Have you ever been in a situation where you find yourself fighting hard to get a relationship off the ground? Is it because of the lack of emotional compatibility?
Emotional Compatibility Matters
Stimulation is so important within a relationship
Ok, have you ever been in a situation where you find yourself fighting hard to get a relationship off the ground? You are sure it has the makings of a meaningful partnership so you invest time, encouragement and most of all love in the person concerned. Your mind is set and any doubts that flutter past are waved away because you are convinced you are doing the right thing with the right person. And maybe for a short while you are, but what happens next confuses you because it is unexpected, it creeps up, slaps you in the face.
As even though in your heart you feel you love this man, you also know he is very lucky to have you loving him, because you believe in yourself and your capabilities. So, after a flying start – where affection and time are lavished on you – an empty vacuum opens up, you become bewildered as to why this could possibly happen. He still smiles at you in that way, wants to make love to you every night and checks your phone!
A Void Appears
But you feel something is missing. You search for what had been, bustle around him, placating him and trying to make sure his needs are met – but he doesn’t seem to give much in the way of return. He behaves as if nothing has changed and carries on shoving his cock in you as if this is all the stimulation you need from a relationship.
In retrospect it is plain to see what is going on: he feels he has you in the bag. You are in his life, in his bed and on his mind. He doesn’t need to do anything more. You are his. He needs sex, but requires less stimulation than you, so he wrongly feels that sex is the main stimulus you need too.
It is not. You are a vibrant, intelligent, thoughtful woman. What on earth would possess him to feel his work is done?
Who is to Blame?
A scenario which happened to me and I am sure you too. However, at the time it is taking place, you are often so embroiled in the relationship it is difficult to see the wood for the trees. It becomes easier to blame yourself. You must be inadequate in some way; ungrateful in some way; spoilt in some way. In short you begin to believe it must be your fault. After all, how could your perception of this man have been so out of kilter? The only thing to do is accept that this is the norm and throw your time and effort into other activities, work, the children, friends.
Your feelings for him begin to lose their intensity and you begin to question the decision you made in the first place regarding the relationship. You start to look around you and without thinking of the consequences become involved with a new love. Recapturing the feelings of excitement and exhilaration. You feel guilty. You should not be doing this. The relationship was supposed to last. You were doing everything in your power to make it last. Where did it all go wrong?
When this happened to me a few years ago with Mr A, I began to feel caged in and suffocated. My emotional and intellectual needs were being neglected, compatibility was low. With regards to Mr A I felt I was dealing with a child. It dawned on me that he was not as evolved in any area of being as me. He lacked the vision to realise that a bond needs consistent time and attention spent on it- and indeed the fortitude to look at the relationship as a whole and explore what may be missing.
He didn’t perceive a change in me until it was too late. Another man had captivated me and I was now moving away in my head as well as my heart. Everything he then attempted only pushed me further away and opened my eyes to what unequal footing we had been on from the start. We had never truly engaged with each other.
When you engage with someone fully you find many areas of common ground where you can laugh, understand, feel absorbed or just comfortable. We engage at different levels with different people. As two people fall in love they permeate towards each other so often feel they have a higher engagement level than actually exists. Time passes and they find that genuine common ground between them is fairly hard to find.
Emotional compatibility has a lot to do with engagement. Initially, being in love gives you the illusion of compatibility. In an ideal world we would observe how fully we engage with a person before we fall in love with them. I was fortunate to do that with my current man but not with Mr A. When you truly engage with a person this stimulates your senses. You feel alive and optimistic. These days people are constantly alert to instant stimulation – being prodded by their phone or tablet notification.
This is fake. Real stimulation contains many things that are found in personal interaction: communication; conversation; expression; absorption; emotional compatibility and concord. A couple who are sitting next to each other, watching television and being prompted into action every time their phone bleeps, are not engaging.
Emotional and Intellectual Compatibility
After much soul searching I left the Mr A. He never understood why. He blamed the failure of the relationship on me. Many times I tried to explain what had happened. His ears and eyes were closed. He lacked the depth to be able to understand me or to delve inside himself to enhance our relationship. He worked on the principle that his behaviour had been good enough in past relationships so naturally it would suffice now.
What should we look for in a lover before we begin a relationship? We should certainly try and be objective with regards to genuine emotional compatibility and be on a similar intellectual plane. Once a couple fall in love their view of this is often obscured and it becomes easy to dive headlong into a partnership that lacks durability because there is too little common ground.
When I threw myself headlong into the relationship with Mr A I was in a vulnerable place in life. This state of mind distorted my view of the relationship in the early days. Looking back all the warning signs were there (such as phone checking), but I chose to ignore them. In retrospect I can see that he did nothing to enhance the state of the relationship. I was always a moving object.
Read more about me here.
Published article about this topic here.