This is Me
Feel sexy whatever your age
Feeling Sexy Matters
As a woman gets older its not always easy to feel sexy. However, I often found it difficult to feel sexy as a younger wo-man. Now i feel far more sexually confident than I did in my 20's or 30's. I have finally reached the place where I understand that to feel sexy is all about understanding your desires & not being scared to express them with the person you love. I haven't always been this way, Its taken me many years to get here.
Who am I?
So who am I? Certainly a question I have reviewed countless times over the years. I feel like I have been many differing people within different lives. As a child I habitually felt I did not fit in with those around me & the world in general. In hindsight I can see why this was. There were a couple of testing issues I had to face at a very young age which would have undoubtedly contributed to these feelings of irregularity.
At about the age of eight I cajoled a friend who lived opposite to run away with me. I had absolutely no idea where we would go but at that moment it felt like the imperative thing to do. It was quite a farcical scene. I led her deeper into the suburban maze that was our neighbourhood. Attempting at each turn to find a road I didn’t recognise. Believing that once this happened I would be in the realms of unknown territory where people wouldn't pay us any attention. This was difficult as I was reasonably streetwise and knew all the roads for miles around. It began to get dark and my friend began to whine, informing me she was scared. I felt she was being tiresome and realised I should have attempted this venture alone.
This feeling has stayed with me through most of my life. I have constantly struggled to find someone who can match my desire for adventure and the unknown. As a consequence, I have tended to delve into the world inside my head, eventually shutting others out.
To finish the running away episode – a passing police car picked us up and drove us home. My friend, and all those back at our homes were in floods of tears. I found it difficult to feign the look of indifference on my face, but so as not to hurt my mother’s feelings I informed her we had simply got lost. I never quite understood why I felt so unemotional in this regard. As the years pass I am beginning to understand myself more and shall explore that within this blog.
I tiptoed into my teenage years. A cute looking child soon to become an attractive adult - but my early teens were hampered with gangly and awkward looks. As a result, when the lanky limbs turned into long legs and boys began to notice me I was slightly bemused by the attention. I knew what I wanted to do but my religious upbringing meant my moral conscience would never allow it.
I started masturbating at about 13 years by accident really. Rubbing myself on the binding of a book whilst pretending I was having intercourse. When I achieved orgasm I couldn’t believe my luck. All that pleasure to be had and it was free! It became a regular part of my week and I never told a soul. I always fantasised while masturbating and indeed a big part of the life inside my head was devoted to different sexual fantasies. Not very polite scenarios featured heavily.
By the time I was fifteen I was one of the main girls at the local disco to attract male attention. Most of the boys didn’t hold my interest for long. Kissing seemed to be far too wet and most did not seem to be graced with wit or insight. On the whole they struck me as drips, without strength of character.
However, my first experience with a so called alpha male occurred at this time. I was at the local youth club disco chatting with some friends. A slow number came on and I was dancing with a friend’s brother when a boy came over and literally took my hand and led me away so he could dance with me himself. Immediately he was telling me how gorgeous I was and found my breasts just as quickly. I was shocked and exhilarated. This boy knew exactly what he wanted and was confident and assured enough to get it.
About a year later I started seeing my first steady boyfriend. For me he was a catch as I had coveted him for about a year. He also portrayed traits of an alpha male, he made me feel sexy and I became elevated and excited being around him. I should have made a mental note at this point that I was attracted to self-possessed males but decided instead to end the relationship and began to see an intelligent yet much tamer lad. I knew he was a secure bet as the other guy scared me with the feelings his behaviour induced.
So my life trundled along, fortunate in some way to be involved with a few guys I had attended school with, allowing for very open sexual encounters, although I found I was often leading the way. This was not the type of sexual expression I was searching for, although I remained unsure exactly what that was. My head was still filled with sexually fantasies I wouldn’t have publically admitted to and indeed I found it difficult coming to terms with the knowledge that such deviant sexual behaviour turned me on. Still not realising exactly what an alpha male was- or indeed that I needed one- I stumbled from one sexually inept relationship to another.
Finally, a dominant male collided with me and I began to realise what exactly I wanted and that it was indeed attainable without the ever nagging guilt that surrounded my sexual make-believe. Although this man made me feel sexy; was outrageously cool sexually; intelligent in many ways and alternative; there was a problem as far as i was concerned, he was incapable of following through emotionally.
My biological clock was silently ticking. I found myself pregnant, settled down and started a family with the most sexually inhibited guy to date. There I stayed for too many years but the business of raising my children -a job I took very seriously- became paramount and my own wants and needs faded into the shadows.
Sex with the father of my children diminished until it was nonexistent. Naturally I didn't feel sexy about myself. Wet dreams and frequent masturbation took over. I had a few offers but never took any on board until I met someone via the internet. I was ripe for the taking having been in a sexual desert. The less said about that relationship here the better. Incompatibility was high on most levels, but what could I expect, having met him online. Both he and the father of my children shared the same flaw. To secure me as their own, they pretended to enjoy the things I liked and to hold the same priorities and viewpoints as me. Once I had been ensnared their true personalities became apparent and I was left feeling duped.
Thankfully not too long passed before my man- an alpha male I had known some years from afar- decided he wanted me. And as we all know, true alpha males are very charming and charismatic so usually get what they want. It was a great relief to leave all the pretense behind me. (Skip straight to my blog retelling our first bondage session in a hayloft - Bondage in the Hayloft
Since I had become aware of what kind of sex and relationship I desired I had always been frank with a new partner. Until now I had not got the response I required to lead a healthy sex life. This, I think, is paramount for a “marriage” to work. It has to be said that a few partners tried but lacked the intensity that comes from the heart of someone who genuinely enjoys dominating. In fact, at the end of one of my relationships the guy informed me he thought I was perverse and immoral by wanting to take part in such unconventional sexual behaviour. This type of remark left me feeling grubby, incensed and alone. What right did he have to judge my honour based on my sexual preference, which ultimately would be carried out by two consenting adults?
It has been a long journey to reach the point. I feel that nobody has the right to disapprove of any sexual activities I may undertake which are not harming anyone else. Indeed I sense actually aid in my well-being, health and general positive outlook on life. I feel sexy and I am happy!
(On my site I use the phrase “Alpha Male” merely to depict a man who is not afraid of his masculinity and opinions. Usually because of these traits he is also confident and poised. It is often said that if a man boasts he is an “Alpha Male” then he most certainly is not.)
Find out a little more about me here
Read the answers to questions some of my readers have asked me - here