WHAT MUST IT FEEL LIKE TO FIND YOURSELF A VIRGIN AT 41 YEARS OLD?
I am always very flattered when I receive mail after someone has read one of my posts. A few weeks ago Rob wrote very candidly to me about his past. With his consent I am now sharing his message with all of you.
Does sex matter? Reckon it does.
I am Rob, a 41-year-old guy and a VIRGIN – yes that’s right still a virgin at 41. There I said it took a little bit, (took some cajones though and mine are like beach balls at the moment).
It’s incredibly frustrating, lonely, crushing – the adjectives are truly endless. I have never been kissed or, touched. Certainly not shagged, how the fuck can you work with that?
This site drew me like a beacon, not because of what you do or are into, more about the CONTEXT, frank discussion without fear of embarrassment.
Imagine having your sexual desires, needs repressed, not explored for 25 + years?
Being a virgin at 41 is fucking painful indeed.
How and why I got to this point in my life is not totally clear but here’s my story.
I was bullied by girls at primary school daily. Lots of merciless taunting, about my size (apparently I was small at that time). If that wasn’t bad enough I was also victimised by a teacher. She was a real nasty piece of work…
On the flipside I did have friends. Within the group I was happy enough. Home was ok too, decent enough early childhood, didn’t want for anything. However, I was a bit of dreamer which made me slightly detached. This type of behaviour caused me problems at secondary school. I remember I was sitting in a particularly boring lesson, daydreaming, staring vacantly into space- a space that just happened to be occupied by a girl who thought I was staring at HER. I wasn’t she just happened to be in the way. It unsettled her, and her mates started bullying me on the back of it, culminating in me getting shoved to the ground and consequently breaking my arm.
At this time there was also another group of girls, the flirtatious types who were just discovering their sexuality. I recall we were on a ferry trip to France, one of them, one of the hotter ones grabbed me and attached her face to mine and said fuck me. I froze, shrunk away and any opportunity that may have arisen with this girl disappeared because of my lack of action. Disparagingly she told me to fuck the post that we leaning against. This, inevitably lead to sexual teasing from her and her clan for the rest of my time at school.
Don’t get me wrong, as I said, I did have mates, some female. We were actually considered a pretty cool gang playing football and hanging out after school. We went out shoplifting to order – for pretty much the whole school, selling them the products. (I was quite the entrepreneur).
Then I discovered phone sex! (14/15 years old) – you know the old 0898 numbers. Not chatting, just listening, and getting off. As you could imagine it was racking up some bills but I was hiding them from my parents until they got the final red letters months later. To say this caused a problem is an understatement. Much embarrassment for me and huge bills for my parents it was not insurmountable, but lasted a year or so.
Started work as a teenager and was sociable enough. I discovered drinking. My mates and I would be out on the piss, nightclubs and all that. I would be the wallflower generally, until the alcohol kicked in. At this point I would try my luck with a girl, get rejected, then get all soppy and emotional, feeling sorry for myself.
I was not having ANY luck with the ladies. In hindsight alcohol and my emotional state totally scuppered any chances.
This pattern continued for the next 10 years until unfortunately I fell in love with my best friends ex-girfriend. We really got on as mates but the love was not reciprocated. I felt desolate and made an attempt at suicide. I attempted to regroup by relocating to the Isles of Scilly for work but island life spat me out and I found myself homeless on the streets of Penzance.
After such disastrous experiences I just switched it all off – any thoughts regarding getting sex, love, or affection disbanded and I simply bummed about in Cornwall feeling lonely and empty. This continued for a good six years. I became resigned to my situation, but I also became comfortable with it. It was safer. I became almost stoic about being a virgin.
However, after all that time I am finally beginning to explore sex , truthfully, within myself. I am a virgin at 41 so obviously I don’t know my sexual identity, therefore I can’t really know ME. I think I know what I am NOT – Gay, transsexual, or transgender, might be bisexual – although the thought of cock does not appeal to me. It appears I am Heterosexual, a deeply unhappy and frustrated heterosexual. I dream of having a loving committed, monogamous relationship with good/great sex, within those confines.
Yes, I masturbate, have done at least once a day for 25+ years, but it’s become more of a bodily function – like going to the loo or blowing your nose. I watch porn, lesbian, and female masturbation generally, nothing too extreme.
A few months ago I changed my lifestyle/domestic situation/ job and I felt maybe it was time to dip my toe into the water. Consequently, I joined a dating site, put a profile up that was probably knowingly underselling myself, and lo and behold not much happened, but I was comfortable with that, was safer again.
I began to feel braver so added a little update with my changes – but not letting on I was a virgin at 41 years old! The messages started trickling in very slowly, but it encouraged me to pay up so I could read them and start exploring.
I got chatting to an amazing woman, she opened me up like no-one else has ever done. She asked for honesty and I gave it to her, it was beautiful. We got talking about all the nice things I seemingly desire. We didn’t talk downright dirty sexy, but it seemed to both of us that the sex would flow naturally within the context of what we were both looking for. She got it, she got me.
Getting to know her was incredible, felt as if maybe I’d found my soulmate – thought I was in love.
I attempted to warn her about my loneliness, the missing link, monkey on my back- without actually telling her, but she still kept on coming back. I was tripping- literally tripping, out of my fucking mind, walking around with x’s in my eyes…
It was a Hollywood moment, but we all know that Hollywood isn’t like that, designer vaginas in the porn sense – like some of the porn I watch, it’s all Fugazi – fairy dust – it’s not fucking real.
I have not got over what happened…
There is a song that goes something like, ‘then you go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like I love you’.
I didn’t say it – I demonstrated it by standing on a fucking seawall with a bunch of roses and photographed it. Think it spooked her!
Then our conversation began to dry up, then eventually died.
I was crestfallen, but like with any good trip, there is a truth, an epiphany moment, and it took me to another dating site.
What a fucking can of worms that opened up, still tripping, confused, slightly angry, I put up the most horrendous profile blurb. Angrily stating that I was a virgin at 41, that I was ravenous to eat some pussy, Blah, blah, blah.
Uncomfortable and embarrassing.
Just as undignified I hawked myself out in a series of private messages to people who caught my eye, some pleading, some graphic, ALL making me look like a little boy lost. Now that’s TRAGIC!
Out of my depth on that site, out of my depth generally.
I am a really nice man, hurting like you would not believe. I am kind, compassionate, potentially loving (perhaps too much, and that’s an area that I need to reign in a bit, work on, my emotional fragility). True piscean. When I take care of myself I scrub up OK. Probably haven’t the biggest cock, but it would probably grow bigger with some use!
The point is it’s obvious I NEED sex, but I can’t even get the protocols right on a sex site. I WANT romance but can’t get the etiquette right with that either.
Being a virgin at 41 is holding me back in all areas of my life, strangling me. I am ambitious, there is a big entrepreneur waiting to get out of me, but it’s all locked up and love, patience and understanding are the keys that will open it all up.
What a bastardy mess!
I would love to make the woman I am in the company of happy. Give her satisfaction and not necessarily by slipping my cock into her, not immediately anyway. If anything that is way down the list.
I would like to stimulate both our MINDS first. The desire in me is for romance, all the nice things before we even get to the bedroom, and the stimulation that builds from that is greater than my need for raw sex.
Then there is actual sexual foreplay and sex acts. Given the opportunity I would happily indulge in such things for hours, and I would probably not shoot my bolt that quickly. Years of wanking has taught me great orgasm control. I can last for a very long time, and choose when to let go, even with the most stimulating in my mind.
Your insight, thoughts would be appreciated or signposting to someone that you think may/could help.
Desperately seeking some advice.
Thanks for listening.
Thoughts and Comments Appreciated
Rob would really appreciate any comments and/or advice you could offer him. Or can you sympathise with him? Are you a virgin at 41 or older?
You can post comments below without leaving your name or other details if that makes you more comfortable. Alternatively you can go to my contact page and email me. Would you like to start a correspondence with him? I will pass any mail on to him.