Responsibly enjoying BDSM with or without Sex

Responsibly enjoying BDSM with or without Sex

BDSM and SEX – To some people, these two concepts are indistinguishable and deeply connected. While to others, this may not be the case at all.

There are quite a few posts on my blog where I discuss  BDSM or sex. Sometimes involving a date night retelling, at others my personal musings. As I have meandered along my own BDSM and sexuality journey, I have often thought that on occasions I just want the pain. Not the sex.

Adding BDSM Practices to my life

bdsm sex

I was a long time coming to terms with what I thought was a taboo need in me. And before I realised pain and pleasure did exist in the kink world side by side, I would frequently masturbate about really racy, sometimes violent and often non-consensual scenes I found online. I believe the fact I was not fulfilled sexually led me to look for things that would overstimulate my mind. That changed once I was able to incorporate  kinks into my life.

At the beginning of my BDSM journey any kind of bondage seemed to cause me to feel horny as hell. I think part of that was down to the absolute hotness I felt about finally getting the type of sex I had yearned for. Not only that, the anticipation of the impending pain, wrapped up in the desire of being with someone I was extremely sexually attracted to, never failed to make me wet. So of course I wanted to end the session with sex of some sort and an orgasm for both.

To Come or not to Come

But, often my body was so hyped that when it came down to it, I could not climax. But this didn’t take away any of the enjoyment I felt from the play. So much, so it was usual for me to run the event through my head the following day. Then, masturbate with these thoughts vividly in my mind.

As my man and I became more used to each other, I began to achieve the often needed release at the end of a  BDSM activity. And I must say that worked well for both of us. A warm satisfaction would settle over my body. Not to mention, my mind felt clear and content.


Recently I was reading a post I thoroughly recommend by Teresa Wymore A Primer for the Pro-social Sadist and Her Sub. Before I look more closely at the article, here is a little bit about her and what she writes on Medium.

I crave authenticity in erotic fiction, and as a woman with no shame, I’m happy to speak when others are silent. All in the name of truth, of course. And better sex.

If you’re curious for more details about my kind of sadism, you can read my Lesdom Lessons series at Tantalizing Tales. The caning is real. The fiction is I was never so suave.

Within the post, Teresa backs up her points with studies. Here I am just going to focus on a few ideas she raised that I may have grazed over in the past.

BDSM and Consent

Teresa explores sadomasochism for the mainstream and begins by saying:

I get judgy with some representations, such as fiction that creates a kink relationship and gets the ethics wrong, makes some activity seem safe that isn’t, or casts a legal and ethical relationship as a moral failing.

Of course, Teresa is not talking about what I would class as fantasy erotic fiction. Perhaps involving aliens or tentacle porn 🙂 – but rather writers who misrepresent the intricacies of a BDSM relationship or imply it is an unhealthy sexual activity.

I don’t believe that you have to have been personally involved in something to write about it. BUT, if you have not had experience regarding the topic of your story, then please research and speak to those who have.

One thing I was glad she included was the difference between sadists. Teresa explains:

Sadism is taking pleasure in the act of causing pain, suffering, or humiliation. Everyday sadists can take pleasure in non-consensual acts, so they are antisocial (but not necessarily pathological like de Sade). Think of your average internet troll. On the other hand, pro-social sadists take pleasure only in consensual acts.

This may be where some people who have no idea about BDSM practices get confused. If you don’t have the urge to give pain or to feel pain, then consent would be a difficult concept to understand in such a setting. But it is one of the mainstays of a real BDSM partnership. However, sometimes in a long term relationship consent will surly be implied? Teresa looks at that question:

Does that mean you have to ask permission for every damn move? Because that can get pretty unsexy.

No, you don’t, but you should discuss limits before you play and after you spend some time getting to know each other. You need to discuss soft limits (things you’ll consider) and hard limits (things you won’t consider).

Personality Rules!

I have thought for a long time that people who are willing to explore their sexual limits may also generally be more adventurous and, in my opinion, intelligent too. So I was interested to read what Teresa had to say on this matter:

A study from 2013 reported that BDSM practitioners are less neurotic, more extraverted, more open to new experiences, more conscientious, less rejection sensitive, and have higher subjective well-being.

Sex on the Menu?

To finish, I return to my earlier thought. That I enjoy, and would like more of the pain without the need for the climax. What does my friend Teresa say about this?

S&M and sex don’t always go together. The amount of overlap is your choice. But it’s not just the sex and sensation that’s the draw. It’s the altered mental state.

You’ll find parts of yourself you likely never knew existed.

I agree – so often it is my head state that provides me with equilibrium


Thank you to Teresa Wymore – find her at the above links and also on Twitter.

Header image copyright – May More

bondage bdsm practices sex
mmm sex bdsm
Mmm Mondays: BDSM, Sex and Ethics

My initial thoughts about this topic were published in 2020. This has been updated for 2022.

25 thoughts on “Responsibly enjoying BDSM with or without Sex

  1. I can relate to this. After an intense impact session I’m left feeling totally, and thoroughly, fucked in all ways. Mr E will almost always have his ‘happy ending’ . Sometimes after a cuddle and snooze I get mine but it’s not a necessity at that point.
    Also, after your last comment, it good to hear you haven’t murdered anyone IRL (yet😬)
    lilly x

  2. I must admit that even at the beginning of my BDSM journey, I thought the two were one unit. It didn’t take long for me to discover that yes, for some, BDSM and sex are interconnected, but others (like me) can enjoy each separate. And use each for different parts of life.

    I think being a BDSM practitioner creates emotional intelligence, which is sorely lacking in many outside this world. With limits and discussion, you often discover things you didn’t know or may have prevented from surfacing. It’s a journey of partners as much as it is one solo.

    Great post, May. I know I read the original, and was shocked I hadn’t commented 🙂

  3. For me, a spanking is often just a spanking. It starts and stops at that. Likewise, bondage is just bondage. I play with rope and make some knots and then I’m done. So I totally get the whole “sex is separate” thing, because in my world, you’re being an assumptive ass if you think one is automatically going to lead to the other.

    What I find people have a hard time understanding is that one can enjoy D/s and elements of BDSM without pain. “I tie him up” seems to automatically equate to “I beat him senseless” when people try to smack the “Domme” label on me. And that’s just not true. But I’ve given up trying to explain.

    As for authenticity — I, too, crave authenticity in erotic fiction. The fact that in 99.7% of erotic fiction, authenticity doesn’t exist… Well, people often ask me why I don’t get into “erotica” or read fictional erotic stories. And that’s why. Give me a dose of Real Life any day. I’ll take an imperfect rendering of a true story over an unbelievable bit of made-up “sexy” stuff.

    1. I have to say I use a lot of my real life bondage experience in my BDSM erotic fiction I write – I don’t write loads of it but i can often tell when someone is writing about a scenario and has had no experience of such a scene ever. Although I sometimes write about murder, but I must say I have never murdered anyone to date 😀 – Perhaps there is a murderer reading my story! TY for commenting – May x

  4. I’m only reading this now, late as ever…I’m on your side with pain. I think it can totally stand on its own. It does feel good to have made it through a session, like coming in from the cold. If he needs sex afterwards, nobody is holding him back. 😉

  5. Some of the sexual connotations of behaviour within BDSM are related to the effect of the connection between us and our own unique response to the stimulus and effect on our minds and bodies. The BDSM experience for me doesn’t have to be with someone who I am sexually attracted too. Sometimes not being attracted to that person amplifies my own power imbalance and I submit more readily or I may be more humiliated by being undressed or objectified by another. My attraction to that partner can be more powerful than one that is predicted on a sexual attraction.

    It may be that I become sexually stimulated by the encounter but it’s equally possible that I might be given peace and complete escape.

  6. You have raised some interesting points May and I can agree about the feeling after a spanking. Sometimes it is nice to do something without sex as the outcome and for me it is often the e optional connection, that could an emotional release too, that I a, seeking ?

  7. It’s interesting that you often couldn’t climax because your body was so hyped! I find that it makes me so much easier to climax.

    It’s also interesting that you might want to have a go at featuring BDSM as a form of discipline. In fact, it makes me all excited for you. Experimentation can be wonderful in my experience. I love the freedom that comes along with it, just having fun even if it turns out it’s not your thing. Also lol at it being such a turn on for him haha.

    Would it help if the mindset is that it’s for him and not about your sexual pleasure?

    1. Ah yes experimentation – I have done a lot as the years have gone by but usually wanting the result of a climax. I don’t find it difficult to come as a general thing – but when all my nerve endings are on edge from play, and my head is in a space of it’s own – I am feeling like I am teetering on the edge and just can’t slip over.
      xx

      1. It would be very interesting to see how this would develop, once you don’t get the climax anymore or it will depend on when he’d allow you one. But omg, it must be so frustrating teetering on the edge but being unable to slip over! So interesting. x

  8. excellent post. I enjoy the evolution and realization that your desires were not as taboo but more a desire you felt deep inside THank you for sharing this wonderful post

  9. Fascinating. I personally couldn’t imagine not having sex afterwards but this is based on the assumption my dick would be aroused after a bdsm session. Hard cock = orgasm required, in my book.
    But this is all theoretical since I have not indulged in any bdsm play with my wife.
    Despite her enjoyment of the genre when it comes to her erotic library, she insists she has no desire to try it in real life. Which brings me to your comment “I would frequently masturbate about really racy, sometimes violent and often non consensual scenes I found on line. I believe the fact I was not fulfilled sexually led me to look for things that would over stimulate my mind.”
    Thanks, you’ve kinda confirmed what I’ve long been fearing: that my wife is not sexually fulfilled and that I’m not the one to satisfy her. Whilst that is personally depressing its also kind of a relief too. Its like on TV when Dr House can finally identify the disease thats been causing all the pain for the previous 50 minutes. Unfortunately as we know from that show, identifying the disease doesn’t always guarantee a cure.

  10. I get why your man wants a release afterwards. It is all visual arousal spanking someone while you get all the physical sensations and endorphins. An orgasm seems not really necessary for the spankee.

  11. That is the nicest feeling, being spanked and then feeling so relaxed afterwards. There definitely is something to be said for BDSM without the sex 🙂
    ~ Marie xox

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