my sex me then and now

Before and After ~ In my Life

When I saw the great prompt of  before and after I really wanted to write something for it that was personal rather than fiction. I applied the phrase to my life and came up with so many events. Life is so often a series of before and after. Choices made affect the future and my life has been alittle strange in places.  I didn’t enter Wicked Wednesday last week but I read some of the entries. The one by Missy sang out to me so I decided to use that format here. Told in a timeline – from childhood to the recent past(7 years ago).

Before and After

The spirit world

Before – My primary school teacher takes me aside to tell me to stop scaring the other children with my persistent ghost stories. The thing is they are real and vivid. The young lady standing by my bed wearing 1940’s style clothes. Her hair set in that fashion too. The continual monologue I hear in my room which keeps me awake at night. The occasional dream I have that comes true. This happens to everyone, doesn’t it? Then that day my favourite Uncle – Tony – coughs. He is better than a father to me. I look up and right before my eyes I see a vision of him dead. I wait three years for the prophecy to pan out – throat cancer.

After – His suffering and my knowledge was too great. I read that if I tell the spirits not to bother me anymore, then that is what they have to do. It is like a rule. I quietly plead with them and hope they will leave me in peace. They do – no more strange sightings or obscure noises.


Before – School has finished and I’m at university. But I flunk out simply because I don’t like it. My life, my decision. I get myself a good job but hate that too. Handing in my notice I leave and travel around Europe and Africa with some peers. Being on the road appeals to me in a way that nothing else has. I’m in love with it’s precarious nature and the freedom it affords. But I’m not financially rich so eventually return home to work.

After – The travelling experience makes me realise I may try and conform in life but I will always be happier living in an alternative universe, whatever that may entail.

Settling Down

Before – My friend insists I go to a party with her. My life is flowing nicely. I understand what I want and how I need to live. At the party I meet the gaze of a guy standing on the other side of the room. I can tell he wants me. I’m right and he does not take no for an answer.

After – Our relationship is extremely volatile. He persists as I fight against the idea of settling down and know in my heart he’s the wrong person for me. I find myself pregnant. Give birth and let go of the independent dreams to nurture my child.


Before – Being adopted means that I always feel alone, not connected, I don’t fit anywhere. I know this may sound almost like a cliche but it is true. An alien, a cuckoo – that kind of thing. As I look down at my first born child the realisation that she is the only blood relation I had ever seen hits me. I feel a bond with her that binds us like glue. I know I will have to find my own kind.

After – As I sit in a room with my birth family – half-siblings – my sister throws her head back and laughs loudly in the same manner as me. My brother talks waving his slim wrists and hands around as I do. Another brother looks at me with my daughters eyes. We all talk about having that “extra sight” a family trait. I’m overwhelmed but retreat, happy in the knowledge they are out there, similar to me, doing their own thing.

Broken Heart

Before – I love my Mum, she didn’t give birth to me but did all the important stuff. The kindest person I ever met. Glamorous too. She dies and a little bit of my world empties into a black hole. I’m embroiled with bringing up my children. I want to do it well. My eldest is very independent. My youngest needs a lot of input so I throw all my energy into her to avoid looking into that black hole.  I’m not with their father any-more. He turned out to be a sociopath. I should have seen it when he stared at me across the room that first time. When we split he became vindictive towards me and though he loves our daughters, he often attempts to manipulate them against me when he has them every other weekend.

My youngest is nearly thirteen when he takes her to live with him. Not even started her periods.

After – My heart is breaking – shattering. If this has ever truly happened to you then you’ll be aware of the pain. The mental pain as you head feels fit to burst but also the physical pain that shoots across your chest and down your arm. I go to bed. I have to get up to be the mother my eldest deserves. She hugs me saying he tried to take her too but wants to stay with me. I’m limp, lifeless. But after a few months, I realise I’m strong. Always have been, always will be, and now, without my youngest at home, I will be free at an earlier date to take to the sky with my man.

Present ~ And as my readers will know, my man and I try to enjoy our life to the full…

The header photo is of me twenty odd years ago and now.

#345 ~ Before and After

24 thoughts on “Before and After ~ In my Life”

  1. I’ve never had a child to lose, but I felt your pain so acutely in this, May. I felt the emotions through the whole thing honestly. Thank you for sharing

  2. This really moved me many times over May. I’m sorry you have endured so many heartaches with dignity and strength, thank you for sharing such powerful and personal memories. I’m sure your daughters are as strong as you are xx

  3. The bit about losing your daughter made me cry. I can’t imagine how fucking painful that must have been for you. (hugs)


  4. I first smiled at your Before and After photos . . . of course!
    But then, reading your words just increased my admiration for you and the strength and resolve in all your writing (not just in this post, but throughout your blog and previous posts I’ve enjoyed and, often, thrilled to.
    Xxx – K

  5. What a journey you have been on and what strength of character you’ve shown throughout your life. The ‘afters’ seem so positive – a good demonstration that, whatever comes before, it is possible to take your life into your own hands and reroute it into so many happy afters.


    (PS, me favourite was Travelling, as it particularly resonated with me!)

  6. I love the vignette format.

    (And I love Missy’s post that you linked, too. I can see why you were inspired.)

  7. Thank you May for more insights into your life. You bring each episode to life so vividly. Pain and suffering, joy and hapoiness and the bits in between. xx

  8. All through your words there is one thing that shone through: your strength. You haven’t had an easy life, and I can’t begin to think how difficult it must be not to have your youngest with you. Thank you for sharing so openly, May.

    Rebel xox

  9. Very strong reflective account of some key aspects of your life May. It throws up so many questions! They say the things that hurt us make us stronger, which in your case is very true!

  10. I’m new here but wanted to say how moved I am by this post. Thank you for sharing your pain and loss as well as your hope for the future. Not sure that my virtual hug will help but I give it to you freely .


    1. Nice to meet you Peter – Have a look around my site – there is some other stuff that is happy or sexy and sometimes both 😉 thanks for your comment

  11. May – what a triumph of a post. I cant say it any better than Missy & Julie have said. Really strong that you can take these introspective and sometimes harrowing moments and use them to instruct yourself (and us) about what you’ve learned. I also have to agree with Nero about the b/w photos – young May could be Brigitte Bardot.

  12. I so loved this May and am truly flattered that my post gave you the idea for your template.

    Your personal reflective writing is so direct and strong and the events you chose to write about really tugged my heart. Your reflection shows the self knowledge you gained and your ability to rise up and make sense of things which seem so hard to accept. I know that erotic writing and story telling is your love and you have a real talent there but your personal writing makes me feel I want to keep reading on and on to find out more about you.

  13. May, your writings are so honest and heartfelt, birthed out of your lifelong journeying and reflection, inviting us to be blessed by your Spirited and Spiritual quest. Blessed be. So be it. Amen Shalom

  14. Oh May, I’m sending you the biggest hugs. I feel for you and your daughters having been with a sociopath myself. But I love reading about the other facets of your life – I hope the travel time is everything you want and need it to be.
    Indie xx

  15. Oh, I do like this style and you write well within it. Such fascinating glimpses into moments and events important in your life and not just the completed ones xx

    1. Missy’s post from last week gave me the idea – i just could not pin “before & after” down to one event in my life x

  16. There is such power in your writing May and all the more so when it comes from the heart and is about you. A poignant, sad but also positive post xx

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