I have combined the prompt for Food for Thought Friday and Wicked Wednesday in this post. It is all about how betrayal has been linked with bad communication at different times in my life.
Dirty Rotten Scoundrels
My first boyfriend Jim was perfect for that job. I was never going to go off the rails or get involved with the wrong crowd while we were together. And as many of you know he was an adventurous lover too. If anyone did the betraying in that relationship it was me. My best friend Vic was also a friend of Jim’s. When Vic and I began seeing each other behind Jim’s back we were both behaving like dirty rotten scoundrels!
Vic and I had spent most of our teen years as friends so really felt that our needs came before anyone else’s trust in us. Looking back I don’t even remember feeling bad about it. I definitely didn’t communicate with Jim about the fact I was seeing someone else. And finally when I dumped Jim, I lied about the reasons.
In mitigation I will offer you the fact that I was genuinely concerned if I told Jim about the affair he would be even more hurt.
So then Vic and I became an item. And I ain’t gonna lie – I loved that guy. We knew each other inside out mentally and set about knowing the same amount in bed. We were loved up and for a while nobody could have got between us. As to communicating; we did that pretty well. Probably because we’d been friends for so long we felt we could tackle most topics. That was until Nate came along.
When did the communication break down? I didn’t see it happen but suddenly I was being fucked by this guy with an enormous cock and for a week or so thought everything would remain fine with Vic, because I loved him so.
Breakdown in Communication
Nate was a flash in the pan and maybe when I realised that I should have put my communication skills to good use and sat down with Vic to tell him what an untrustworthy whore I’d been. But I didn’t. I cried knowing I’d have to leave Vic because I’d betrayed him. I was not to be relied upon.
Vic cried too. Even my friends cried. It was a sad day when I walked out the flat he and I shared. But on the plus side, we remained friends and now can literally talk to each other about anything under the sun. Indeed, many years later I told him about Nate. He replied, “May, how could you do that to us?”
For a along time I wondered the same thing. And I’d be lying if I said we never had sex again. We did. Both of, once again, betraying others by doing just that.
Trying my best
Seb, who eventually became the father of my kids, was obsessed with me right from the start. By this time I’d learned quite a lot about myself so informed him straight away – ‘you can’t trust me. I may want to play today and be gone tomorrow.’
He decided to take his chances and we had a rocky and volatile relationship. (He cheated on me at one point). It was during a time we were “on a break” that I first met my man. Anyway, I did honestly try and communicate all the time with Seb but he was easily shocked sexually and not very open regarding things I wanted to try. So gradually my attempts got fewer until any line of reasonable communication closed down. Our relationship as sexual partners just faded away. I had offers from other guys but didn’t want to cheat and betray again. So kept myself to myself.
That was until I met a guy online who pretended to be something he wasn’t. I thought we were communicating brilliantly. We typed reams to each other. Sharing our past, secrets, wants and needs. All online. I didn’t want to make another mistake so I was overparticular in some of the things I asked him. I needed to make sure. And when we met it seemed all the hours of typing had been worth it.
When I tried to communicate my feelings about anything he simply behaved like a child. It really did feel like I had three children to care for, not two. So many things began to fall a part.
My man to the rescue
By now my man was back in my life, by an amazing coincidence, and was hovering in the wings. But after the initial few meetings I refused to see him. I had the important job of providing a home for one of my children. But I knew, clear as day follows night, I wanted him. Like Vic he was one of the people in the world who understood communication was key and would not skirt around or shy away from it.
He waited for me, and during that time we spoke for hours on the phone. Wrote letters and emails. By the time we finally got together neither of us were in any doubt what we wanted from the relationship.
We have our ups and downs, argue and shout but I know when we crawl into bed at the end of the day – he is one of my kind.
Header image by Pixabay