This is a great Wicked Wednesday topic for sex bloggers to write about, and yes I have been celibate for a chunk of my life.
Some of this tale also lends itself to this week’s Food For Thought Friday theme.
When I was a late teen and discovered sex with Jim and then Vic I never thought I would ever be celibate, or have celibacy forced on me. I grew up with these guys and along with them and other peers, we would watch the old fashioned porn movies on video. All laughing and questioning and exploring. Sex seemed very natural and normal.
This was perfect for me. Having suffered abuse as a child I needed sex to flow, to seem part of everyday life. Sometimes I would remove any emotion from the sex act and just enjoy it for what it was – My first boyfriends understood because of our constant open exchange of dialogue. I will always look back on my time with these guys and be thankful.
Lust and Compatibility
When I was in my early twenties I met the man who would become the father of my children, let’s call him Seb. At first, everything seemed OK. We had lust, well I had lust for him but he thought he was in love with me, telling me I was always on his mind and turning up wherever I was as if he couldn’t help himself. At this time sex with him was frequent. But I didn’t realise that most people aren’t lucky enough to have the kind of friends and boyfriends I had when young. The open chats and the exploratory sex of my young adulthood had spoiled me.
Seb was quite black and white in his views. He behaved in a “soppy” manner where I was concerned. Obsessive and immature, and it was always “making love “ not having sex. I found this a little suffocating.
I thought if I treated him like Jim or Vic, openly discussing my needs and kinks then we would gel more. The horror on his face was a picture because he was not able to cope with me being so upfront. He was very vanilla and had problems relating to things of an intimate and sexual nature. By the time I realised how incompatible we actually were, and that this was not going to change, I became pregnant. I knew he was not the right guy to settle down with but thought it was the best thing to do for the sake of our child.
For a while our relationship, in general, seemed to improve but it was not long before we really just became friends, not lovers. I cared for him but was not in-love with him. The sex ceased altogether. I felt unattractive and just threw myself into caring for the children. Any time I tried to discuss our partnership, or kinky stuff with him, his embarrassment was apparent, so I stopped. Because of my past, I always needed to understand sex matters – it helped me to talk about things. He kind of shut down that avenue for me.
Years went by – I don’t know four maybe. No sex! I thought that was it, nobody would ever find me attractive again. A couple of guys came on to me at the sports centre but I didn’t really want to have an affair, particularity with a local person. Vic and I were still friends. He could not understand how I, a sexy and sexual person could cope with not having sex. He remembered how much I had enjoyed it in the past.
Masturbating and Splitting Up
I was masturbating like crazy and having wet dreams constantly. I started making up a daydream which included me and one of Seb’s mates. We were going to have wild sex and disappear into the sunset together. Of course, this was just in my head, though I did find him extremely attractive. Starved of male attention I became involved with the first guy who chatted me up online. That is a whole other story.
Me and Seb split up. I told him I could not continue in a celibate relationship. I thought he would see that this was a reasonable request and let me go. But he became extremely bitter. He obsessed with making my life a misery. He told me I was a slut because of my kinks and that I would probably pick a paedophile for a partner because I had been abused as a kid. Words like that are more hurtful and harmful than a million slaps in the face.
In the end, after many years of verbally torturing me, he manipulated our youngest daughter to leave me and her sister to live with him. He had achieved what he craved, I had a broken heart. I wondered if he had ever loved me. Really loving someone – after the addictive feeling of being in-love fades – means you want their happiness, it is an unconditional emotion. Seb wanted me to be miserable.
Thankfully my kids are now young adults and I don’t need to have much to do with him. I disliked him for a long time. Now I just feel sorry for him and would warn others about getting involved with people who can not talk or express themselves sexually, particularity if you enjoy open and frank conversation about your sexual needs.
I don’t want to ever be celibate for a long time again unless it is my choice. I know it suits some people and maybe I will change my mind in many years. But for now, I love having and talking about sex.