celibate

This is a great Wicked Wednesday topic for sex bloggers to write about, and yes I have been celibate for a chunk of my life.

celibate
#348 ~ Celibacy

Some of this tale also lends itself to this week’s Food For Thought Friday theme.

Early Days

When I was a late teen and discovered sex with Jim and then Vic I never thought I would ever be celibate, or have celibacy forced on me. I grew up with these guys and along with them and other peers, we would watch the old fashioned porn movies on video. All laughing and questioning and exploring. Sex seemed very natural and normal.

This was perfect for me. Having suffered abuse as a child I needed sex to flow, to seem part of everyday life. Sometimes I would remove any emotion from the sex act and just enjoy it for what it was – My first boyfriends understood because of our constant open exchange of dialogue. I will always look back on my time with these guys and be thankful.

Lust and Compatibility

When I was in my early twenties I met the man who would become the father of my children, let’s call him Seb. At first, everything seemed OK. We had lust, well I had lust for him but he thought he was in love with me, telling me I was always on his mind and turning up wherever I was as if he couldn’t help himself. At this time sex with him was frequent. But I didn’t realise that most people aren’t lucky enough to have the kind of friends and boyfriends I had when young. The open chats and the exploratory sex of my young adulthood had spoiled me.

Seb was quite black and white in his views. He behaved in a “soppy” manner where I was concerned. Obsessive and immature, and it was always “making love “ not having sex. I found this a little suffocating.

I thought if I treated him like Jim or Vic, openly discussing my needs and kinks then we would gel more. The horror on his face was a picture because he was not able to cope with me being so upfront. He was very vanilla and had problems relating to things of an intimate and sexual nature. By the time I realised how incompatible we actually were, and that this was not going to change, I became pregnant. I knew he was not the right guy to settle down with but thought it was the best thing to do for the sake of our child.

Becoming Celibate

For a while our relationship, in general, seemed to improve but it was not long before we really just became friends, not lovers. I cared for him but was not in-love with him. The sex ceased altogether. I felt unattractive and just threw myself into caring for the children. Any time I tried to discuss our partnership, or kinky stuff with him, his embarrassment was apparent, so I stopped. Because of my past, I always needed to understand sex matters – it helped me to talk about things. He kind of shut down that avenue for me.

Years went by – I don’t know four maybe. No sex! I thought that was it, nobody would ever find me attractive again. A couple of guys came on to me at the sports centre but I didn’t really want to have an affair, particularity with a local person. Vic and I were still friends. He could not understand how I, a sexy and sexual person could cope with not having sex. He remembered how much I had enjoyed it in the past.

Masturbating and Splitting Up

I was masturbating like crazy and having wet dreams constantly. I started making up a daydream which included me and one of Seb’s mates. We were going to have wild sex and disappear into the sunset together. Of course, this was just in my head, though I did find him extremely attractive. Starved of male attention I became involved with the first guy who chatted me up online.  That is a whole other story.

Me and Seb split up. I told him I could not continue in a celibate relationship. I thought he would see that this was a reasonable request and let me go. But he became extremely bitter. He obsessed with making my life a misery. He told me I was a slut because of my kinks and that I would probably pick a paedophile for a partner because I had been abused as a kid. Words like that are more hurtful and harmful than a million slaps in the face.

Misery

In the end, after many years of verbally torturing me, he manipulated our youngest daughter to leave me and her sister to live with him. He had achieved what he craved, I had a broken heart. I wondered if he had ever loved me. Really loving someone – after the addictive feeling of being in-love fades – means you want their happiness, it is an unconditional emotion. Seb wanted me to be miserable.

Thankfully my kids are now young adults and I don’t need to have much to do with him. I disliked him for a long time. Now I just feel sorry for him and would warn others about getting involved with people who can not talk or express themselves sexually, particularity if you enjoy open and frank conversation about your sexual needs.

I don’t want to ever be celibate for a long time again unless it is my choice. I know it suits some people and maybe I will change my mind in many years. But for now, I love having and talking about sex.

 

#F4TFriday celibate love
Obsessive Love #83

15 thoughts on “Being Celibate, Love and Sex

  1. I’ve been thinking about the celibacy side of things too; and the way it differs when it is down to external factors beyond your control, or through your own personal circumstances. Human relationships can be hugely complicated as they are influenced by so many different factors, many of which we have no control over.

  2. I am so sorry you had to go through such bad times, and how horrible he has been to you, but also am happy that you are in a good place today. Thank you for sharing another part of your journey, May.

    Rebel xox

  3. While I’ve been out-of-sync with partners in terms of desire/libido, I’ve never been in a forced celibacy situation. It could easily happen though – to anyone, really – and my general thoughts on the matter are twofold:

    {1} I think a lot of marriages/partnerships end up that way, often because continual hurt(s) lead to increased bitterness, and when our empathy for another person dies as a result, so too does desire.

    {2} I also think that when health concerns and/or caretaking for a partner override all other priorities in a relationship, one of the first things to suffer is sexual availability/compatibility. It’s something I’ve had to be intentionally vigilant about in my own relationships, as I’ve seen the fallout in others’. At best, long-term couples are sexless soul-mates; at worst, they are can-barely-stand-each-other embittered halves of a very broken whole.

  4. Wow he was terrrrible. My working definition of celibacy makes me think too much of priests, but I’ve definitely had long periods without any kind of sex. My libido has been low lately which doesn’t help. Thanks for sharing your story.

  5. ” would warn others about getting involved with people who can not talk or express themselves sexually” So much yes to this, my 1st husband was like this. He found periods icky and he also liked using condoms because it meant it was less messy. When I left him he too was bitter and mean and remains that way to this day.

    Mollyx

    1. Oh my goodness – Seb was like that about condoms – used them with a previous girlfriend even though she was on the pill, to save on the mess! x

  6. Oh wow. Much of reading this was like reading part of my own life story. I am glad that you shared it with us as I have been able to see that I am not alone as I felt I was in terms of what happened to me too. I had not thought of that period of my life as being celibacy but I see that it was. I want to write about it too now lol. It is so painful to have to quash your needs and who you really are. Hugs my friend ❤️

  7. It is fascinating to read how people come to be the people they are. Thank goodness you have come full circle with regards being open and honest about sex. It is difficult for relationships to flourish if such a major element isn’t right. xx

  8. So interesting how these times of celibacy can be “forced” on us even in committed relationships- maybe even especially, when one partner says no, what can we do? I am glad you have been able to move into another safe place of open, happy communication about sex and can enjoy it in your life again! <3

  9. I find it fascinating that your sex life started out to open and honest and that sex seemed so natural. So opposite from my own experience. And I just don’t understand why parents pull their kids into their relationship issues, using them as weapons and leverage. I’m sad your ex did that. And I’m glad you left that situation. So many women (and men) stay in miserable, loveless relationships because they don’t know what else to do. You seem very confident and self-assured in the area of knowing what you want and getting it.

    1. Thanks Brigit – In regards to knowing what I want sexually, I started off well and then the stumbling block – feel back on track now though x

  10. This is food for thought.

    When saw the prompt I wondered how ‘sex writers’ would handle the topic as it’s quite possible to view celibacy as a failure.

    What I find fascinating is the description of the female perspective. I’ve heard variations of it from different females over the years and I find it an area where there are major differences to the male perspective.

    Just like the happy vibrant descriptions of sex, celibacy gets interwoven with the fabric of our lives, yet is often unaddressed because it is associated with times of hardship or misery in those lives.

    Bold and informative, thank you for being so open.

    melody xx

    1. For me it was not a happy time because of the circumstances surrounding it – I wanted to be having sex in a relationship and that was not happening. I do understand that for some people being celibate is a choice and one they make themselves. I think for me the problem was I didn’t choose it – as always thanks for your thoughtful comment x

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