My past should remind me but not define me

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Mrs K’s prompt of Defining Moment has got many of us thinking.

Defining Moment

Earlier on this week I linked up my post about when I stopped feeling guilty about my kinks. A strong defining moment for me. Or rather, it was a moment when I decided I would not let my past history regarding sex DEFINE ME any longer.

My past sexual history

From a young age I had fought hard and fast not to let my past define me. By the time I got to the defining moment I mention above, I suddenly realised that all the hard mental work had been leading up to that very point. And I could suddenly tell myself and believe…

It was not my fault I was abused as a child. Just because I want to be spanked and used as an adult doesn’t mean I am a bad person. If people can’t cope with my sexual likes then it is their own problem.

Looking back, it was great my man had a hand in helping me reach that mindset.

Not wanting to be a victim

Not letting your past or other peoples opinions define you is an important element of growing up. Throwing away the “I am a victim,” mentality. Sometimes it can be challenging for sure.

Dyslexia

I have dyslexia. It wasn’t really something that was identified when I was at school. Instead, you were accused of being a lazy speller. Or forgetful. Luckily I was a hard worker and achieved despite this problem. Finally, I was diagnosed at University. And even though I hate labels I was quietly pleased to know that my lack of ability to spell correctly – and my leaning towards malapropism – had a reason behind it. 

And indeed as I got older I sought out ways to challenge my dyslexia and overcome it as far as possible. This blog has certainly helped me do that. I would say I have become a reasonably proficient writer in general. I also write fiction in the first or second person relatively well.  This is because I am a people watcher. I manage to create and take over the main character in my stories. The other players in the tale bounce off the strength from the lead.

Coming Soon ~ Clive

When I realised I could do this I felt extremely proud. Once again I was not letting something define me. But always on the look out for a challenge I try every now and then to write in the third person. Attempting a short story like this works OK. But I have started a series about Clive and taken it down until I can work out how to make it shine in the way some of my first person fiction appears to do.

Writing in the third person is tricky for me as the writer has to stand outside and look in on the characters actions. Rather than become the character. My new series about Clive is intricate and will need a certain amount of pacing. I want to create an intense atmosphere too. I find these things relatively straight forward when writing in the first person but as I said I like to challenge myself so am – walking and thinking – about ways I can bring this series to life and still use some third person narrative. Fingers crossed I will get there.

To challenge yourself is healthy

So I would say all the above is quite healthy. I try to not let problems define me.

Instead I want to be defined by the need to grow and improve.

With this in mind I challenge myself with my writing. I won’t be defeated. Won’t let my past dictate the way I feel about sex. All good. But… over the lockdown I did some deep thinking and while recognising my achievements regarding guilty sex and dyslexia, I still find something niggling at the very heart of me.

Disconnecting

I disconnect. And this is not a good thing. I thought it may be due to having been sexually abused as a child. And indeed this could be partly true. But having thoroughly turned over that bit of my past I actually believe I have succeeded in not letting it define me. So why do I have a problem with attachment and commitment and feel myself physically and mentally disconnecting from people and situations?

This has gone on my whole life. Luckily I have a good sense of responsibility and because of this my children, although grown, will always be my priority. But as far as many other things in my world are concerned – if I don’t keep myself in check – the way I behave and how my mind simply disconnects are a concern. So much so – I think to a certain extent – I have let it define me.

Concluding

I suppose maybe discovering this, or rather coming to terms with it so late makes me wonder if I will be able to do anything about it. Naturally being me I am giving it a lot of thought. πŸ˜‰ And I have come to the conclusion this trait may be due to my adoption. Not the actual adoption but the fact that for the first year of my life I had multiple carers rather than one consistent person. Once my mum chose me I then had a constant influence. But I am wondering if the first 9 months/year of my life – that I have no memory of – could have influenced and still be defining the person I am today?

You can rest assured when I have delved deeper into this issue I’ll be back!

define me

Memoirs define me

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12 thoughts on “My past should remind me but not define me

  1. You have come so far, and self analysis is tough but you seem to have tackled it well. This was a really interesting post, building more of a picture of you as a person.

  2. May a beautiful essay on self discovery. Inspiring.
    Some deep thoughts are being prompted by you. Now to just write and share!

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts so honestly.

    1. Always happy to see you on my blog πŸ˜‰
      I will be writing more about all of this – it is in my head and must come out lol

  3. Great post, May, and some interesting things to read here, such as the victim mentality, but also the disconnect and your thoughts that it might come from those first nine months. They say the first 7 years of a life are very important, but I think those first months of bonding might be even more important than that.
    ~ Marie xox

  4. Hmmmmm
    I was recently thinking about whether I had “victim” status or whether I’d started to move forwards πŸ€”

    Parts of your blog are Very interesting (not in a mawkish way),

  5. Infant connections – or the lack thereof – trigger certain emotional responses (or lack thereof) and make an impact on people’s lives for decades into the future. When there is a disconnect on a deep psychological level during formative years, it can manifest later as BPD or ODD on the more severe end of the spectrum, or as basic dissociative/disconnective responses as ‘typical’ adaptations. So I think you might be onto something there.

    1. Thank you so much Feve. These are the things I was thinking of looking into but am also careful not to over indulge myself lol
      What u say makes sense though

  6. I love that you no longer have the “I am a victim” mentality. It’s a hard thing to get past and I also went through this. I’ve learned that I am a survivor, and I very much see that in you.
    You’re right, the past doesn’t define us, it just brings us to where we need to be. Not all our days are wonderful, but the bad ones makes us stronger and help us grow.
    My son has dyslexia as well and I understand the struggle that must bring. You’ve done a wonderful job of overcoming it!!!
    Bravo!

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