Well, the title says a lot…
Earlier on this week I linked up my post about when I stopped feeling guilty about my kinks. A strong defining moment for me. Or rather, it was a moment when I decided I would not let my past history regarding sex DEFINE ME any longer.
My past sexual history
From a young age I had fought hard and fast not to let my past define me. By the time I got to the defining moment I mention above, I suddenly realised that all the hard mental work had been leading up to that very point. And I could suddenly tell myself and believe…
It was not my fault I was abused as a child. Just because I want to be spanked and used as an adult doesn’t mean I am a bad person. If people can’t cope with my sexual likes then it is their own problem.
Looking back, it was great my man had a hand in helping me reach that mindset.
Not wanting to be a victim
Not letting your past or other peoples opinions define you is an important element of growing up. Throwing away the “I am a victim,” mentality. Sometimes it can be challenging for sure.
I have dyslexia. It wasn’t really something that was identified when I was at school. Instead, you were accused of being a lazy speller. Or forgetful. Luckily I was a hard worker and achieved despite this problem. Finally, I was diagnosed at University. And even though I hate labels I was quietly pleased to know that my lack of ability to spell correctly – and my leaning towards malapropism – had a reason behind it.
And indeed as I got older I sought out ways to challenge my dyslexia and overcome it as far as possible. This blog has certainly helped me do that. I would say I have become a reasonably proficient writer in general. I also write fiction in the first or second person relatively well. This is because I am a people watcher. I manage to create and take over the main character in my stories. The other players in the tale bounce off the strength from the lead.
Writing in the third person is tricky for me as the writer has to stand outside and look in on the characters actions. Rather than become the character.
To challenge yourself is healthy
So I would say all the above is quite healthy. I try to not let problems define me.
Instead I want to be defined by the need to grow and improve.
With this in mind I challenge myself with my writing. I won’t be defeated. Won’t let my past dictate the way I feel about sex. All good. But… over the lockdown I did some deep thinking and while recognising my achievements regarding guilty sex and dyslexia, I still find something niggling at the very heart of me.
I disconnect. And this is not a good thing. I thought it may be due to having been sexually abused as a child. And indeed this could be partly true. But having thoroughly turned over that bit of my past I actually believe I have succeeded in not letting it define me. So why do I have a problem with attachment and commitment and feel myself physically and mentally disconnecting from people and situations?
This has gone on my whole life. Luckily I have a good sense of responsibility and because of this my children, although grown, will always be my priority. But as far as many other things in my world are concerned – if I don’t keep myself in check – the way I behave and how my mind simply disconnects are a concern. So much so – I think to a certain extent – I have let it define me.
I suppose maybe discovering this, or rather coming to terms with it so late makes me wonder if I will be able to do anything about it. Naturally being me I am giving it a lot of thought. 😉 And I have come to the conclusion this trait may be due to my adoption. Not the actual adoption but the fact that for the first year of my life I had multiple carers rather than one consistent person. Once my mum chose me I then had a constant influence. But I am wondering if the first 9 months/year of my life – that I have no memory of – could have influenced and still be defining the person I am today?
You can rest assured when I have delved deeper into this issue I’ll be back!