Desire is a weird thing. The need to have what one desires becomes your focus. Often you can think of little else.
I wrote about my desire for my man here and how it is broken down in to many different factors . Reading this post by Jenna made me realise that over the years the kind of desire – or the way you desire – changes. When I was in my 20s often there didn’t seem to be any control over such a feeling. And yes – because of that, on occasions, feeling desire actually really hurt inside.
I already have some of my diaries from 1997 on my blog and will link to them in this post if relevant. But I will continue the story of Al today as I remember how much the desire I felt for him hurt and also not being able to fathom him out hurt too. Looking back if only I had known that my man was just around the corner and all these confused musings, that seemed so important, would pale in significance. But at the time they felt… oh so real.
Recap – I suppose I was a little obsessed with Al. And unsure of his sexuality. When his cock drooped on me for a second time I behaved very badly when he wouldn’t talk about it and slapped him! We didn’t speak for a month. Then this happened…
Actual Real Diary Entry Aug/Sept 1997
Off on Holiday
I’m off on holiday at the weekend and I don’t want to count my chickens but I think I am almost over it – not Al but just what happened. I am feeling much happier. It’s about a month since the shit hit the fan. A whole month of low self-esteem and confusion in general. Today’s the day I had earmarked to send him a note asking to meet him, but I don’t want to. I don’t want to set myself back four weeks. I’m protecting me, rather than reaching out to him. I did want to help him though. He must have some sort of sex problem. Be it with accepting his sexuality or an erectile dysfunction disorder. But I am willing to walk away now.
I’m up for enjoying myself again. If I try and see it from his point of view then he must have been mortified by what happened. So I can not harbour any malice against him. Of course I still like him I have just stopped thinking so much about how much he turned me on. Or how much just wanting him literally hurt. I’m just not hoping any more. I’ve let go of all that.
I will add, for a few weeks I have been getting funny phone calls where I answer and nobody says anything. Well they’ve stopped now. It was probably him. He’s moved on, and so must I.
Back From Holiday
The holiday was great apart from some creepy middle aged guy who was part of our group. He was so hung up on me he couldn’t stop looking and trying to talk to me. It was very embarrassing as his wife was with him and perfectly lovely.
Anyway that is not what I want to be writing about. I went on holiday to try and get Al out of my system. A change of scenery. The truth is I was still thinking about him – far too much.
Then, what happened when I returned amazed me. On Saturday afternoon I couldn’t resist calling his mobile. I was so certain that the blank calls I had had a few weeks before my holiday were from him. The games people play. Well his mobile rang. It was on. He answered… I immediately put it down. Five minutes later the same thing happened in reverse. I thought this is so silly one of us has to give up. An hour later I was just about to cave in and call him and actually speak, when the phone rang again. I said,
“Hello,” and my number.
There was a pause and then,
“May, it’s Al.”
I nearly fell of the chair with shock. But something had to give and if he wasn’t interested why play the games?
“I just rang to say hi really,” his camp voice resonating in my ear.
“I am glad you did.” I said wanting to reassure him.
We began talking as if we spoke every day. With ease, but the butterflies began to a flutter in my heart and stomach. He had guts to call and I admired that.
After chatting for about forty minutes he asked what I was doing over the weekend.
I replied, “not much.”
I really didn’t have any set plans.
“Do you fancy going for a beer at 8 ish this evening?”
Did I… Did I… Oh my god how long had I waited to hear that.
The Date – better than the holiday
The bell sounded just after eight. I was dreading the moment he walked through the door. How would we both greet each other? What would we say? It was more than fine. He kissed me lightly on the lips in his own camp way.
We took a walk to the local pub. It was extremely quiet for a Saturday night. Sitting with our drinks we were both remarkably relaxed. Very surprising really and no mention of the slapping his face incident. He was quite touchy with me, complimented me in that casual way he has. I had actually made sure I wasn’t very dressed up. Not wanting to be seen as trying too hard. But even though I only had a slight bit of make up on, I was wearing a crop top with my tight brown cords and of course I was brown as a berry from the holiday sun.
He was drinking Guinness and he remembered I like the froth from the top. He put his finger in it and bought it to my lips for me to lick. That was hot, but I participated apprehensively. Every so often I would catch him looking at me, staring really. So difficult to understand him.
He’s had a hair cut and looks even more geeky than previously. But I still find him so sexy.
I didn’t want to spoil the atmosphere and bring the incident up. I was waiting thinking he may venture there. When he was messing around, he hit my arm accidentally and apologised and then said,
“Talking about hitting people…”
I asked, “Is that what you want – to talk about it?”
He replied that was fine and I should ask him anything I wanted.
Seeing this as an open door I apologised for what had happened but explained that he had probably realised that I questioned his sexuality. He said that a lot of other people also wondered. To that I replied,
“Well I don’t think you are heterosexual.”
“If that’s a question, the answer is yes, I am heterosexual. I have slept with one man when I was young, and it was a mistake.”
I answered that I wasn’t sure if I could believe it was only the one and that he preferred women.
He told me he was being honest and that was all he could do. He went on to say that if people question his sexuality it was their problem not his, so he didn’t care what they thought. I jumped on that and accused him of not caring about my thoughts. He immediately said I was now confusing the issue, and just because he didn’t care what people thought of him, didn’t mean that he didn’t care about me!
I wanted to ask him about the anal fixation but didn’t want to pressurise him after we had just had such a deep conversation. But I did ask him about the amount of women he may have slept with and he said he didn’t know.
Not sure what to think but decided I would have to believe him for the moment and we were getting on so damn well. I have known other men who had an early gay experience and then settled with women. He mentioned he thought we had a lot in common. I asked him if that’s why he phoned today. He said it was and that he just wanted to see me. I made a side comment regarding the games people play – telephone. He smiled and replied that he didn’t play games. But as he looked me in the eyes – we both knew. I smiled and mentioned that I wouldn’t put up with all this aggro from everyone, but also thought we were compatible in many ways. Which was why I persevered where he was concerned.
I continued by telling him that I had remembered him paying me the compliment of saying he had never met anyone like me before. I then told him I had never met anyone like him, which was why I was there.. The niceties continued by him telling me that I intrigued him.
Just as we were leaving I bumped into Ant – was so good to see him, has been a while. We are going for a drink next week – will be fun.
Al and I had a giggle going back to mine – he gave me a piggy back.
The sex bit
Back at home we put on some music, got ourselves a bandy to drink, and I changed into some shorts – it was a hot evening (and I have great legs…) After a few minutes of chatting I said,
“Oh my back is still a bit sun dry – you can put some cream on it for me,” and promptly went and got some.
I took my top and bra off and he then gave me a full scale back and front massage!
Then I returned the favour and of course that led to kissing.
I certainly wasn’t going to initiate anything further because of the dreadful incident that happened all those weeks ago. After a short time of making out – remember I have been topless since the massage – we discarded the rest of out clothes.
He was rock hard (phew I thought). Pushing me down onto the floor he started fingering me, quite roughly but I can’t say I didn’t like it. One finger entered me, then two, then three. I was wet as hell. All those weeks of masturbating about him.
We were more than carried away and I kept thinking,
“Thank goodness he’s still hard.”
I touched his cock a bit but didn’t want to put him under any pressure.
Without any to-do he just entered me. No encouragement from me, all his own free-will 😉 He was pumping me very convincingly and asked if he could come in me. My brain just wasn’t able to focus on an answer. I didn’t know what to say. I was enjoying myself so much, I said nothing. We changed positions – I was now on my knees, doggy style. He was holding on to my hips and shafting me like a proper man! Before I had realised it he had cum – no condoms – what was I thinking? I’m not on the pill and don’t really know Al’s sexual history. I’ve no idea how safe he is.
I wondered if using a condom, as we did before, meant the feeling for him was less sensitive. I had it in my head this may have been a factor in him not keeping it up last time and actually think we both knew we weren’t going to use one before we even started making out.
Anyway we had successful intercourse. Happy. Maybe that first time he had been worried about coming too soon or living up to expectations? Who knows. I am not sure what to believe. I’m only a few days into my cycle so it should be OK as far as pregnancy is concerned. Many would call me stupid but it just felt like it was not in my control. The want, the need for it to work, after last time, was stronger than thoughts of safety. I know that was idiotic of me but I think he felt it too. I have never taken such a sexual risk before – ever.
Then we went to bed. He actually slept. I was too fired up. Next morning I was dozing and he woke me by putting his hand on my pussy. It really did not take me long to orgasm. I then gave him a hand-job, and to my delight it worked.
The next day
We got up and had some cereal. It was very relaxed and we arsed around a little. Playing some of my Mum’s old music. It was time for him to go. I asked in a joking fashion,
“So will I see you before the year 2000?”
He replied that he will call me during the week. Smiled, kissed me lightly on the lips and attempted to drive off. His car wouldn’t start so we gave him a jump start from mine.
It was a good date and I want him more than ever. I have only told Virginia and Christine – I can’t face telling the others and then he doesn’t ring. Though I have decided, if for some reason he doesn’t call, I will try and speak to him the following week and tell him he’s a bloody rat bag. But I really did feel we had reached an understanding of some sort – it’s difficult to explain, but I just feel good about it. No more games.
The actual intercourse was quite mediocre, to be honest, but I didn’t care. I want him no matter what. Although I still have loads of questions about things, I just don’t think he will tell me yet, but what can I do? I am hooked, and I hope he rings soon, more than I can say.