Have you ever been in a situation where you find yourself fighting hard to sustain a relationship even though initially the feelings between you seemed strong? It may be because of the lack of emotional compatibility between you. This can create a void as you stop receiving stimulation from the relationship.
Some time ago I seriously thought Mr A and I had the makings of a meaningful partnership so I was happy to invest time, encouragement and most of all love into it. My mind waved away any doubts, convinced I was doing the right thing, with the right person. And maybe for a short time I was, but what happened next confused me because it really was unexpected. It crept up and hit me like a slap in the face.
I loved Mr A, but I did also think he was very lucky to have me loving him, believing in myself and what I could achieve. After a flying start, when affection and time were lavished on me, an empty vacuum opened up. I became bewildered as to why this had happened.
He still smiled at me in that way, wanted to make love every night but now he also began to check my phone.
I worried, knowing something was not right, something was missing. Bustling around him, I placated him, trying to make sure his needs were met. He didn’t seem to give much in return. Behaving as if nothing had changed he carried on shoving his cock in me as if this was all the stimulation I required from a relationship.
In retrospect, it is plain to see he thought he had me in the bag. I was in his life, in his bed and on his mind. What more did he need to do? I was his. He needed sex but required less stimulation than me in other ways, so assumed, wrongly, that sex was the only stimulus I needed.
It wasn’t and isn’t.
I’m a vibrant, intelligent, thoughtful woman. What on earth possessed him to think his work was done?
Too embroiled in the relationship, I found it difficult to see the wood for the trees.
It was easier to blame myself.
I must be inadequate in some way.
Ungrateful in some way.
Spoiled in some way.
In short, I began to believe it was my fault. After all, how could my perception of this man have been so out of kilter at the start?
I came to the decision that the only thing to do was accept our relationship as the norm and throw time and effort into other activities, work, the children, friends.
But naturally, my feelings for him began to lose their intensity, questioning the decision I made in the first place regarding the relationship. Looking around and without thinking of the consequences I became involved with a new love. Recapturing feelings of excitement and exhilaration.
Guilty, knowing I shouldn’t be doing that.
The relationship was supposed to last.
I had been doing everything in my power to make it last.
Where did it all go wrong?
I began to feel caged in and suffocated. My emotional and intellectual needs were being neglected. Compatibility was low. Mr A acted like a child. It dawned on me that he was not as evolved in any area of being as me. He lacked the vision to realise that a bond needs consistent time and attention spent on it and indeed the fortitude to look at the relationship as a whole and explore what may be missing.
He didn’t perceive a change in me until it was too late. Another man had captivated me and I was now moving away in my head as well as my heart. Everything he then attempted only pushed me further away and opened my eyes to the unequal footing we had been on from the start. We had never truly engaged with each other.
Engaging with someone fully is when you find many areas of common ground where you can laugh, understand, feel absorbed or just comfortable. We engage at different levels with different people. As two people fall in love they permeate towards each other so often feel they have a higher engagement level than actually exists. This definitely happened with Mr A and me – time passed and I realised genuine common ground between us was hard to find.
Emotional Compatibility & Engagement
Emotional compatibility has a lot to do with engagement. Initially, being in love gives you the illusion of compatibility. In an ideal world, we would observe how fully we engage with a person before we fall in love with them. I was fortunate to do that with my current man but not with Mr A. Truly engaging with a person stimulates your senses, you are alive and optimistic.
These days people are constantly alert to instant stimulation by allowing a phone or tablet notification to prod them into action. This is fake. Real stimulation contains many things that are found in personal interaction: communication; conversation; expression; absorption; emotional compatibility and concord. Two people watching television together and being prompted every time their phone bleeps, are not engaging.
Putting on my Witches Hat
How does the image prompt fit in with this sad tale? I literally was at a loss to know what to do. Thinking I was trapped, learned helplessness kicked in. Mr A had put a tracking device in my car and was taping my phone conversations. How I allowed this to happen seems strange to me now but when this type of domestic abuse occurs, no violence, it becomes easy to just view it as the way things are.
Deciding that maybe there was a higher place I could appeal to I tried praying for the strength to leave. When that didn’t succeed I started to research spells.
I consider my self sane and do understand circumstance lead me to that place.
I found a few appropriate ones.
Organising the components needed I put my witches hat on, (metaphorically speaking), and followed the necessary instructions to carry out the spells.
What happened? Well, I didn’t get what I asked for specifically but I did finally muster up the courage to walk out. Had to leave everything though. I don’t expect this was down to the spells but it is interesting the things a person will look into or do when desperate.
Mr A blamed the failure of the relationship on me. Many times I tried to explain what had happened. His ears and eyes were closed. He lacked the depth to be able to understand me or to delve inside himself to enhance our relationship. He worked on the principle that his behaviour had been good enough in past relationships so naturally, it would suffice now.
When I threw myself headlong into the relationship with Mr A I was in a vulnerable place in life. This state of mind distorted my view of the relationship in the early days. Looking back all the warning signs were there (such as phone checking), but I chose to ignore them. In retrospect, I can see that he did nothing to enhance the state of the relationship but I was always a moving object.