What a very challenging round to the Blogable Fiction Marathon. I think the writers did brilliantly. I feel that the shorter the assignment the harder it is to nail it.
Feedback for Round One BFM
If I had been in the competition, Marie would have thrown me out as I help with the admin so it would have been a conflict of interests 😉 But I did do the assignment anyway and here’s my chat up line:
I was wondering if I have seen you before, or perhaps it was your twin sister I fucked last week.
Yes, I know, filled with my usual charm and finesse!
Round One Assignment
Write an original pickup line
Only ONE sentence, no dialogue
20-50 words, with a title of maximum 2 words
It is surprising how often one of the writers commented they didn’t do/like/use pick up lines. And that’s good as this is a fiction writing competition. And whereas I do often feel that a little bit of reality in fiction works really well, delving deep into your imagination is also the order of the day. You can find the voting page with other comments/feedback on round one here…
What I was looking for when giving feedback for round one:
Everyone looks for different things when reading through a list of entries like this. I am a very visual writer. As in when I write a story I am just putting into words the images I see in my head. So in this round I was looking for a picture, conveyed in a scene or setting. I wanted the sentence to flow without being too concerned as to whether the writer used 20 or 50 words. Also, for the characters to behave like people. Not easy to do in such a few words. And I enjoy a little wit too. I am not particularly interested in anything too cliched, and although I think I’m not keen on romance, if written well then I kind of love it! There you go. So here is my feedback.
When reading feedback for your round one entry please remember that what we personally like to read is very subjective. I pull from my own experiences in life and writing when commenting on other’s words but that does not mean I know better than anybody else. The judges might not all agree, and similarly there will be a wide range across readers votes. What I am trying to say is do not take things too much to heart in regards to feedback. Simply try and take something constructive from it through to the next round.
My Feedback for Round One
1. Naughty Nun
You look like just the sort of man the sisters who taught us in our How to keep our vows of celibacy classes at the convent warned us about; I really hope looks aren’t deceiving.
I liked this. It made me smile and I could picture the characters really well. But with a few minor tweaks it could have flowed better. Get rid of “just”.
2. No Regrets
You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen and I knew that if I did not come over to introduce myself and ask you for a date, I would forever regret it.
I enjoyed the sentiment but a little cliched. It would flow better and sound like chat if “did not” was replaced with “didn’t”.
3. Travel Fun
Maybe, I could try book a hotel room, much more comfortable, safer and may I suggest more rewarding than this.
I like where the sentence is going. However, the flow could be improved by adding “to” before “book a hotel”.
4. An Application
Mistress Mia, in regard to the instruction on your Fetlife profile, here is my submission – I would be honored to serve as your humble slave, dutifully completing all tasks assigned to me and enhancing your pleasure as you see fit.
I am impressed, you are being brave here by picking a different scenario but it is a little niche and a pick up line is spontaneous, whereas an application is not.
5. Let’s Go
So shall we go to your place or mine—the furthest stretch of your imagination or the furthest stretch of mine?
I really liked this. It works well as a pick up line – the places and the imagination. Sounds exciting. I like the double use of “your” and “mine”. It does sound like two sentences though.
6. Brie Yourself
Allow me to explain my fondness for cheese: it’s delicious, it’s welcome at every occasion, and if you’re lucky, the beautiful woman at the end of the bar appreciates its use as a conversation starter.
Great sentence. It’s very visual and quite clever. This is one of my favourites. I can only think it did not get past the jury because the conquest(woman) is referred to in the 3rd person.
7. Unjust Infringement
What do you think about [[cough cough]] leaving this crowded bar and finding somewhere a bit more private where we can compare COVID-19 vaccination conspiracy theories, actually see what’s under these masks, and [[cough cough]] talk about this unjust infringement on our civil rights?
Nothing wrong construction wise with the sentence(except don’t like the “coughs”). But I am just not wanting to read about Covid. It is not attractive.
8. Thin Ice
I don’t use pick-up lines, because that’s how an insecure man would open a conversation with a woman whose beauty intimidated him and I prefer to break the ice by smashing it with my huge penis.
Well, I chuckled when I read this and it reminded me of an old lover who would have used a similar line. Title is brilliant for the line. The only criticism is I am not fond of huge cocks 😉
9. Sincerity Rulz
I beg your pardon; I’m so sorry, but when you went and smiled I completely lost my train of thought.
I like the idea of this. In my head I can image the character looking intently at the other. I would lose “went and” replacing them elsewhere with another two to keep you within the word restriction.
10. Friday Night
Do you realise, you’ve been tantalising the olive in that empty Martini glass for roughly fifteen minutes straight now, permit me to rectify that?
Yes. Like this. I want a Martini. And I like olives with mine and am keen on the word tantalising too! I would get rid of “straight now”.
11. Mom’s Advice
My mom warned me not to invite strangers into my house, but she also said that I should take risks, so why don’t you buy me a drink and get to know me a little better so I don’t feel guilty when I risk taking you home tonight.
This was another entry to make me smile. And can see the potential in their evening. It sounds like more than one sentence when read out loud.
12. The Guess
I am sitting here in exquisite suspense, wondering if your name is Oscar because you sure are making me Wilde!
Another favourite… Clever, Witty. It simply works. And I am a fan of Oscar too. Not sure that is the best title.
13. Bloody Mary
Hi, will the fact that I accidentally tried to kill you today, keep you from having a drink with me now?
Love that this even has a plot, and great title. But I feel I’ve missed out. I want more!
14. S’punk, innit
Excuse me, young man – I don’t know your name so I’m going to call you ‘Spike’ – I’m awfully sorry to bother you but you looked like the sort of man most likely to have a safety pin about his person and I have a troublesome situation with my brassière.
Very witty and works for me because of the visuals. Probably would have shortened it slightly. Perhaps, “I have a brassière malfunction.”
15. Naughty Girl
I hear Good Girls go to heaven and Naughty Girls get a firm spanking; I am not sure I have been a naughty enough girl today, do you think you could help me?
This sentence works really well as a chat up line. But I would like to know where or who they are.
16. Gotta Fever
Hey, baby, have you been tested for Covid, because I’d really love to take you home and probe you tonight.
This is an amusing one liner and very current. But as I said earlier I don’t want to read about Covid, or probes really 😉
17. Soaring High
Hey baby, you must be part dragon, because whenever I see you I feel like I’m flying, and you set my heart on fire.
This is very cute. I like dragons and also the flying and fire work well in the sentence. Not keen on “Hey baby.” I would leave the room if someone said those words to me.
18. First Contact
Across the wide expanse of the cosmos, past bright stars and through vast, glimmering nebulae, we have sent our consciousness, searching at the speed of thought and with the patience of eons, seeking the optimal companion; now we have found you: ideal, perfect, flawless in your brilliance; be with us!
When I started reading this I began to sing – “Across the crowded disco room…” But that’s my problem 😉 It is a brave sentence and that is a positive. However, it reads a little like a formal speech.
19. Good Things
I think you’ve dealt with a lot of bullshit in your life when you only deserve good things, so I hope you’ll let me be one of them.
Love the sentiment in the line. However, are they just guessing about the bullshit? Or have we missed something?
20. Tie Me
These sure look well stuffed and ready for a good roasting; would you tie me like one of your pork joints please?
Kinky and smart . Quite a lot conveyed for such a short sentence. I like the reference to pork – amusing but perhaps not sexy.
21. Future Adventures
I’m so lucky to have just bought a new journal and pen so I can fill it with the pictures, stories and adventures of our journey, antics and life.
I liked the optimism in this sentence and was sorry not to see it go through to the public vote. I think the beginning bit “I’m so lucky to have just” would be better with “How shrewd of me to have” – or similar.
22. Sweet Chance
Please forgive my imposition, but should I miss the chance to speak to you, to know your name perhaps, my mind would forever wonder, whether I had been a fool.
Oh, so romantic but very well put. I could not help but like this sentence and it flows nicely. A little more scene setting may have worked well.
A wise person once told me that everything is predetermined by destiny, so my question is, should we simply fall in love now, or should I take you to dinner first?
A really good sentence. You have told them something and then ask the question. And what a question. I think the first “should” may be better as “shall”.
24. Seeing You
When I look at you it makes me feel like I am under a ceiling fan with flashing lights and it leaves me speechless, trembling like a seizure patient.
Interesting and sounds a little crazy as you read it but I know I have felt like this before. I’m just not keen on the “Seizure bit”.
For a long time, I buried my heart’s light beneath layers of pain and anger, but somehow you’ve managed to find a way past my defenses with the simple charm of your brilliant smile and the innocent twinkle of your cerulean eyes.
Very intense and gives the reader the feel for the character. I am not sure if I want to know all about your pain when you are chatting me up. Also would cut the “simple”.
26. Times Two
Hmm, that Macallan 12 you’re sipping on is pretty good, but my roommate Carmen and I are willing to bet you’d enjoy an entirely more elusive treat — plus a generous pour of their rare Double Cask 18 that we keep back at our apartment.
Neat sentence. This would have persuaded me. I’m already out of my seat. And looks like the “treat” may be a threesome, with a whiskey for afters. Never heard of Macallan 12.
27. Forgive Me…
I know you want to be left alone because you’ve rejected four guys in twenty minutes, but I can’t help myself because your voice is music to my soul and I’m utterly captivated by your smile; if you don’t respond I’ll leave, but I’ll miss you forever.
Goodness they are coming on strong. The wayward romantic in me loves the, “miss you forever.” I keep thinking the other person must have been talking very loudly for their voice to be heard.
28. Luscious Laundry
Excuse me, but how many pegs do you think I will need to hang you on my pick up line?
Sharp, smart line. But I feel I may be hung out to dry if I were to agree 😉
29. Book ‘em
I once saw a book whose cover intrigued me such, that my fingers itched to caress its bindings, my nose to scent its leaves, and to devote my undivided attention into plumbing its depths … so I’d like to ask: do you like to read?
There are things I really like about this sentence. The imagery for one and the question at the end. But I don’t like the use of the word “plumbing” – makes me think of bathrooms.
30. On Fire
Here you are on fire and I have to ask if you have health coverage, because you are giving me a fever!
I like the sentiment here. And I get that the other person is so hot -they may also burn- then both of them would need health coverage. However, I think you could have started the line a little stronger. “I can’t believe you’re on fire.” Or, “Did you realise you’re on fire” – that kind of thing, rather than with “Here”.
Well done to all of you… And good luck.