I had some really interesting comments – here and on Twitter – in response to part one of this saga from my past life. The first part was just a snap shot of the situation – so here is part two. Right or wrong, you will find out more about me and my decision in the following post – Games.
I have kept extensive diaries over the years so have chosen to write this in the present tense – even though it’s from memories rather than diaries, and it occurred over 20 years ago.
This happened in Part One –
“Hi, am I talking to May?”
“Yes, who’s calling?”
“You don’t know me but your husband’s been sleeping with my wife, Susan. I thought you should know.”
Games after the coffee – Part Two
I can’t sleep – it’s five in the morning and it feels like a black cloud has engulfed my soul. I get a notepad out of my bag and begin to write this diary about what I am feeling. The shock, the pain, the devastation. I want to ring Seb but I know its too early in more than one sense of that word.
I feel compelled, a strong, obsessive need to tell everyone he is close to about what he has done. I leave my friend’s house early and head over to his best mates flat. Ben lets me in and makes me coffee. He looks at me open-mouthed exclaiming,
“Why – when he has you?”
I feel vindicated.
Moving on I drive round to his family’s place. Informing his mum and Aunt that he has cheated on me – the golden girl. The one who was accepted like a daughter into the bosom of their family fold. They comfort me and tell me to stay as long as I need. But the games are not over, there is one more waiting to be played out.
I know he will not be at home so I go over to our house. Stroking the cat on the way through to the living room. I flick on my stereo and set our song to repeat. I feel a slight bit of deranged contentment in knowing that when he comes home it will be playing over and over – he’ll take a moment to realise I have been there, and think about what he has lost.
It’s new year’s eve, I wonder can I cope with a party? But whilst at the house, I grab a few more clothes and head over to Hannah’s place. She is hosting the new year’s eve bash and I can’t just wallow in my own misery. I will not be his victim.
Applying make-up we chat and I try not to make an issue out of what has just happened. A crowd of us head for the local pub before the party and Debbie’s boyfriend is all over me, asking where Seb is. I explain we are not tied at the hip and are spending this night apart. He is very complimentary –
“Wish Debbie and I could be like that,” whilst staring at my tits.
Yes, he always was flaky, she can do better.
Back at the party, I attempt to enjoy myself, but my heart sinks each time a song is played that is poignant to Seb and me. I wonder where he is and what he is doing.
I want to dance. Hannah joins me and suddenly someone is banging into the back of me. Her boyfriend’s arse hole mates are pushing Al my way. We look at each other and apologise. Even in my angst, I recognise there is something about him that attracts me. He reminds me of the guy from college I had that raunchy dream about. He’s camp and hot in a really geeky way.
Once again I can’t sleep – it may be all the coffee I am consuming but I have a million questions spinning around my head. I decide to call him. He answers sleepily, muttering a greeting before I shoot a barrage of questions his way.
He explains he never shagged her in our house – they used to go out after work in his camper van. It had only only lasted about a month, now it was over – he wished it had never happened.
After the call I lie on Hannah’s couch, the smell of last nights party lingering in the air, torturing my self with graphic images of the pair of them kissing, touching, having sex in the van.
Later, I find my self back at Seb’s Aunts place, and take a look at the local newspaper. I need to get myself a bedsit to be near work. All my friends live too far out for me to stay with them.
I arrange a couple of viewings.
I feel very bleak as I am shown the rooms. I can’t picture myself living in them at all. To me they seem dark, dingy and lonely.
Back at his Aunt’s the phone rings – it’s him. Apologising, begging and making promises. I agree to go for a drink .
Sitting opposite he implores me to forgive him, to not waste all we have worked towards. He tells me it will never happen again. I want to believe him. He was never one to play games. I almost start feeling sorry for him when he explains how he never knew if I was committed to our relationship, and how he wondered if I still had feelings for Vic. He implies what has happened is my fault for not sharing my feelings.
Rather than retaliating I ponder over events in my mind. There are things Seb does not know about. The most important one being that he was right to feel my distance, I do periodically sleep with Vic. The connection between us has always remained strong. I certainly am not the lily white victim I’m portraying. I consider for a moment telling him. To even out the blame. But no, I cannot see how that will improve anything and I don’t want to be seen as a cheat, I am too righteous for that!
Once more I have been awake most of the night thinking. I feel it’s for the best to get back with him. I am sure I still love him and he feels the same. He just made a mistake. We all do. I drive round and he is in the kitchen making breakfast. He looks up sheepishly. When I tell him my decision he hugs me. We start kissing fumbling for each other’s buttons like teenagers. Falling on the couch he asks me if I am sure. I reply by straddling him. His cock slides deep inside me. I want to fuck until I can erase the other women. I grind down stimulating my clit with every movement. We both cum and I feel insecure.
Back to work today. I couldn’t stop thinking about if he was going to see her. In a moment of weakness, I ring her husband. I kept the number from when he called me. He is happy to chat and says he’s certain it is over. During the conversation, I realise I have to let it go or it will eat me alive. I can not spend every moment worrying that he could be with her or someone else. At that moment I make a pact with my self to leave it in the past, for my own sanity.
Once home I need to have sex again. The funny thing is, in the early days once the initial lust had worn off, we never really had much sex. Seb is very vanilla and I had a very open first boyfriend and do get bored with the same old sexual routines. But now it feels as if we are back at the start of our relationship. I am hurt and vulnerable. I need reassurance that comes from fucking. Also, there is a slight twist going on in my head. I almost find it sexy that he fucked with someone else.
Yesterday we sold the camper van.
This post – Games to play when the coffee is cold – ends about a year or so before my actual diaries begin on my other site.