Do you know someone who consistently refuses to have sex with their partner? I have been that person. It’s time I wrote about it. Three particular guys come to mind.
Inspired to write this by Nero’s latest sharing post that included an article by Mookie.
As a long time reader of Nero’s blog I often have wondered, alongside him, why his wife seems to resist sex so much – on the one hand agreeing that they need to make time for it – but then just going back to her old ways. Mookie tells us about his wife, of many years, saying no and making excuses as diverse as un-tidiness to wanting a new bed.
Here is how I became that woman.
My sex life began with Jim. Reasonably well documented in my posts. Maybe it is the rose-tinted glasses of looking back but I think Jim and I could have really worked together – if I had fancied him! Don’t get me wrong he was a nice looking lad, just not edgy enough for me. Many of us have a type we find attractive, Victoria does, and Jim was just not one of mine. Very intelligent, having chosen to leave school without pursuing A-levels, he got ahead quickly in his chosen field. Another attribute was his loyalty and commitment. He was sexually adventurous too not to mention happy to explore life in general. So many things going for him. A lovely guy I truly wish I had found him sexier.
I liked the look of him when we met and enjoyed having sex in the beginning, to a certain extent, because I was a horny young thing. We were going steady, holidayed and travelled together, but even with his daring nature, I found myself bored because on my part there was no sexual chemistry. I began to make excuses, which was quite easy to do. We both lived with our parents. So suddenly his car was not comfortable or was too cold or someone may see us. We meandered along until I started cheating on him with my best friend Vic.
When I met my children’s dad it was lust at first sight for us both. He was very good looking in that alternative way I find attractive. However, he was extremely vanilla. At first, this seemed to appeal to me. Thinking back on my past I believed he must be a decent guy because of this. In fact, we started off being at it like rabbits.
This tailed off as he really was limited in a number of ways. Intelligent enough but boring in his outlook. Along with lack of adventure, our fate was sealed and even though a couple for many years we ended up creating a sexless relationship. Initially, he tried it on now and then but I really do not think he had a high sex drive. The children were young and I genuinely was tired so it was easy to make excuses. He gave up showing any sexual interest in me. Being wrapped up in child rearing I was glad to be left alone. Wanting sex some of the time, but not with him.
The next time this happened was with a guy I met online. We fell in love before we had ever laid eyes on each other. This works for many but for me, it was a disaster. When he moved to my area, so we could be together, I was quite overwhelmed with love that was honestly misplaced. Making the break to be with me was impressive. Looks wise he was not my normal type at all but because I loved him this factor did not matter and we had a good sex life for over three years. The love kept me wanting him even as he put on weight.
However, as time went on I could not deny that we were totally mismatched. Compatibility extremely low and soon it became clear to me that he was punching above his weight – metaphorically speaking 😉
The love began to dwindle. I tried to tell him but he had me in a financial loop which made it difficult to separate. Towards the end, learned helplessness, and the fact I still had one of my children living with us, made me feel as if I had no choice but to stay with him.
Finding excuses for not having sex was difficult as he wanted it so often and would press me continuously. Eventually, I would succumb to get him off my back and let my imagination take me elsewhere during the act. This was soul destroying. Probably for us both. When I eventually mustered up the courage to leave him it took me a long time to get over how degradining it felt.
Excuses I used so as not to have sex included – heavy period, hip pain, feigning sleep, tomorrow…
To be honest, if it had not been for a successful long-term relationship with Vic (after Jim) I would have thought it was all my fault and that I just needed to try harder when in a relationship. Perhaps I should have compromised more? Isabelle believes this is an important element of a successful relationship. But it does need to involve both parties. Don’t get me wrong the men I have mentioned in this post did not behave unreasonably. For me it was just not really right to begin with. My head was clouded by lust or being in love
As the years have gone on I have learned a little about where I, personally, may have gone wrong in choosing a mate in the past. It is vital to have a lot in common both interest wise and personality. I am more likely to respect him if he’s more intelligent than me. Needs to be daring in all ways and a leader. Then I will follow him and I find this very sexy. For me, it may read as a lonely hearts list, but all these things help to achieve sexual chemistry, which keeps the spark alive. I am stubborn and strong-willed so do need a firm hand in more ways than one. To be similar on the attractiveness scale also puts a couple on a more level footing.
This post is not attempting to answer any questions as to why people end up in the situation where one partner wants sex far more frequently than the other. It is just my experiences on the matter…