Intelligent men turn me on

Do you know someone who consistently refuses to have sex with their partner? I have been that person. It’s time I wrote about it. Three particular guys come to mind.

Inspired to write this by Nero’s latest sharing post that included an article by Mookie.

As a long time reader of Nero’s blog I often have wondered, alongside him, why his wife seems to resist sex so much – on the one hand agreeing that they need to make time for it – but then just going back to her old ways. Mookie tells us about his wife, of many years, saying no and making excuses as diverse as un-tidiness to wanting a new bed.

Here is how I became that woman.

My sex life began with Jim. Reasonably well documented in my posts. Maybe it is the rose-tinted glasses of looking back but I think Jim and I could have really worked together – if I had fancied him! Don’t get me wrong he was a nice looking lad, just not edgy enough for me. Many of us have a type we find attractive, Victoria does, and Jim was just not one of mine. Very intelligent, having chosen to leave school without pursuing A-levels, he got ahead quickly in his chosen field. Another attribute was his loyalty and commitment. He was sexually adventurous too not to mention happy to explore life in general. So many things going for him. A lovely guy I truly wish I had found him sexier.

I liked the look of him when we met and enjoyed having sex in the beginning, to a certain extent, because I was a horny young thing. We were going steady, holidayed and travelled together, but even with his daring nature, I found myself bored because on my part there was no sexual chemistry. I began to make excuses, which was quite easy to do. We both lived with our parents. So suddenly his car was not comfortable or was too cold or someone may see us. We meandered along until I started cheating on him with my best friend Vic.

When I met my children’s dad it was lust at first sight for us both. He was very good looking in that alternative way I find attractive. However, he was extremely vanilla. At first, this seemed to appeal to me. Thinking back on my past I believed he must be a decent guy because of this. In fact, we started off being at it like rabbits.

This tailed off as he really was limited in a number of ways. Intelligent enough but boring in his outlook. Along with lack of adventure, our fate was sealed and even though a couple for many years we ended up creating a sexless relationship. Initially, he tried it on now and then but I really do not think he had a high sex drive.  The children were young and I genuinely was tired so it was easy to make excuses.  He gave up showing any sexual interest in me. Being wrapped up in child rearing I was glad to be left alone. Wanting sex some of the time, but not with him.

The next time this happened was with a guy I met online. We fell in love before we had ever laid eyes on each other. This works for many but for me, it was a disaster. When he moved to my area, so we could be together, I was quite overwhelmed with love that was honestly misplaced. Making the break to be with me was impressive. Looks wise he was not my normal type at all but because I loved him this factor did not matter and we had a good sex life for over three years. The love kept me wanting him even as he put on weight.

However, as time went on I could not deny that we were totally mismatched. Compatibility extremely low and soon it became clear to me that he was punching above his weight – metaphorically speaking 😉

The love began to dwindle. I tried to tell him but he had me in a financial loop which made it difficult to separate. Towards the end, learned helplessness, and the fact I still had one of my children living with us, made me feel as if I had no choice but to stay with him.

Finding excuses for not having sex was difficult as he wanted it so often and would press me continuously. Eventually, I would succumb to get him off my back and let my imagination take me elsewhere during the act. This was soul destroying. Probably for us both.  When I eventually mustered up the courage to leave him it took me a long time to get over how degradining it felt.

Excuses I used so as not to have sex included – heavy period, hip pain, feigning sleep, tomorrow…

To be honest, if it had not been for a successful long-term relationship with Vic (after Jim) I would have thought it was all my fault and that I just needed to try harder when in a relationship. Perhaps I should have compromised more? Isabelle believes this is an important element of a successful relationship. But it does need to involve both parties. Don’t get me wrong the men I have mentioned in this post did not behave unreasonably. For me it was just not really right to begin with. My head was clouded by lust or being in love

As the years have gone on I have learned a little about where I, personally, may have gone wrong in choosing a mate in the past. It is vital to have a lot in common both interest wise and personality. I am more likely to respect him if he’s more intelligent than me. Needs to be daring in all ways and a leader. Then I will follow him and I find this very sexy. For me, it may read as a lonely hearts list, but all these things help to achieve sexual chemistry, which keeps the spark alive. I am stubborn and strong-willed so do need a firm hand in more ways than one. To be similar on the attractiveness scale also puts a couple on a more level footing.

This post is not attempting to answer any questions as to why people end up in the situation where one partner wants sex far more frequently than the other. It is just my experiences on the matter…

15 thoughts on “Intelligent men turn me on”

  1. “Sexless” seems, for many people, to equate to (or be symptomatic of) “loveless” in romantic/intimate relationships.

    For me…

    While it’s true that general likeability/compatibility affects my level of sexual interest, it’s also true that sometimes being in a state of “sexlessness” – wherein there is a pause or stop in shared sexual activity – is the result of managing/accommodating physical pain, mental health, or disability.


    [The below is not an indictment of any kind, just general musings.]

    I know other bloggers (all women) who have been the ones to go without sex for those reasons. Whether because they personally are dealing with the curveballs life has thrown at them or because they are being supportive of a partner, the fact is that women DO end up on the ‘receiving end’ of “no sex.” But it seems like the majority of what gets written about (at least on the blogs I’m reading) is from the POV of Woman Says No To Man — regardless of the sex of the author.


    1. thanks, Feve – I always appreciate your comments and the post was just – as I said – my experience. More importantly my experience of the past. Because now I too live with a man in pain so I do understand the other POV, where the woman is being supportive – and know that there is a reason why. What I was trying to put across above was that, in my younger days, I had no excuse – but used various excuses as I just did not want to go there…

  2. Strangely, my situation with my ex wife was almost the total reverse in that the sex was the last thing to break down. Towards the end, we didn’t socialise together, we didn’t really speak to each other in any great depth, we slept in different rooms. The only thing we really had was the fact that sexually, we were extremely compatible and we loved fucking each other even though we had stopped actually loving each other.


    1. I do understand that situation. Was a bit like that for the guy I refer to as Vic – we carried on with the sex for years after we split. We split because he had habits I could not live with long-term 😉 Proving there are so many different factors that make a relationship work or not…

    1. Ah thanks for reading – I think many of us get that feeling – the chemistry is not right – but many do settle- i think life is too short 😉

  3. The first sign I’d fallen out of love with my first husband (and really out of like too) was when I stopped wanting to have sex with him. I just didn’t realize how important that was at the time. Now I know…if I start making excuses, there are problems. Not always with the other person, but something isn’t right. But, as with anything, that’s just my personal experience.

    1. ditto Kalya – one hopes that lust will turn into being in love and being in love will turn into a genuine LOVE – but that chain can break at any point if the chemistry is not right between you x

  4. I know that my biggest problem is that I do not lust after my husband because he’s gained a ton of weight and all he does is sit around on the internet. He says it is because he is depressed because I do not want him. Talk about a vicious circle. I don’t post about it, though, because he reads my blog and it pissed him off when I say anything about his weight.

    It takes courage to post like this this. Opens us up to both connection and criticism. I think we should all do it more often.

    1. Thanks for your comment Brigit. I am very good at being honest – plenty of shockingly honest posts here on my site – but what I am not good at is getting down to the knuckle and telling you, the reader, exactly how I felt at the time about the post topic. I really like to try and put stuff behind me and move on – but I think it is important to reflect on how something affected you now and then – to educate and learn from it yourself. I think that’s why I am enjoying my newly found love of writing fiction, because I can pretend, not be me and entertain in that way 😉

  5. This is a very honest and balanced post May – glimpses of your past and your retrospective on the compatibility problems makes for instructive reading! I was nodding in parts. I agree – I think the balance of power/intelligence dynamic you have going on with your man sounds likely to keep your interest & respect, which are clearly a very important element for you & your libido! Thanks for sharing.

  6. Thank you for sharing your insight on this particular topic. It so often that we hear about sexless relationships from the male perspective. It was great reading about this from the point of view of a woman. Thanks for sharing.

    1. Thanks for taking the time to comment- At the end of the day we are all different but I think if I had thought a little more in the past about why I was getting involved with someone then I may have had more successful relationship 😉

  7. An interesting look into your life. There are many similarities with mine, but perhaps not always in my shoes. At times you’ve worn mine and at times you’ve worn my wife’s! I have always desired my wife sexually, but the reverse has not always been true. I have made the same mistake I’ve criticised others for: assuming people would react to something the same way you would. Just because I wouldnt be put off by someone’s weight doesn’t mean my wife will be the same, it turns out. Being on a cruise ship for two weeks has been enlightening – all she could do was point to morbidly obese people on the ship and warn me not to get that fat. Diets when we ge home, apparently!

    1. Don’t diet Nero just take speed! No seriously just eat healthily and not too late at night. Do not drink all the diet crap with sweeteners – remember years ago when nothing was processed and when food was good and natural? – that’s what you need to eat

Comments welcome Cancel reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.