I have been reading Nero’s blog for quite a few years now and he will be the first to admit that at times the content has become a little repetitive.
His main topic is all about the state of his wife’s libido. Over the years I have laughed along, shaken my head and even chastised him over his posts. Indeed at times I felt like I have been his nagging wife. But all along I still found his writing compelling as it was/is clearly real life. If a massive edit was carried out on his work we would probably discover some vital clues about the libido of a fifty something woman who has been married for twenty odd years.
The topic of libido for Food for Thought was inspired by a twitter reply I saw Nero had added to one of Missy’s. He said,
In general terms I agree with every point you’ve made in this article. I applaud you for your concluding paragraph too. If you allow your libido to wither it will eventually die.
During the lock down my libido has been pretty much non existent. Disease is not sexy. My living circumstances are not sexy. So it is hardly surprising I am not feeling sexy at all. Though I do admit to having the occasional almost primal urge to orgasm. This takes over my disconnected mindset and shouts to be heard. But that is rare.
The above is not surprising as libido refers to the psychological aspect of sexual desire. In which case a person’s changing mindset is bound to have an effect on their libido.
Nero talks Libido
So, I thought I would return to Nero and his determination to long-windedly, record the peaks and troughs of his wife’s libido. And ask the man some questions…
During these strange lockdown times what do you think can be done to raise libido?
This is the optimum time to do it since (obviously) you have a lot more free time, assuming you don’t have children soaking up your energies.
You can read more erotica and discover what themes and genres arouse you most. Literotica is probably the most popular global free site and has both short and long form stories. The quality varies greatly but you’ll soon find the stuff you like and can focus on that. If you have a partner you can try watching porn together. But being a visual medium there is little left to the imagination. A good author can write erotica that allows your imagination to run riot. Whereas porn clips generally do not – it’s all there explicitly on the screen. I’d liken erotic fiction to a bottle of wine you can slowly savour.
Porn clips are more like preloading with a round of shots in the car park before ducking into a party. PornHub is the biggest global player for free online porn clips but bear in mind that all free porn sites are driven by clicks and therefore favour extreme content to grab eyeballs. Their algorithms are more likely to offer you jackhammer penises with a side of choking and spitting than they are romantic story-lines leading to steamy sex. For some this will be more of a turnoff than a libido enhancer. Much like Netflix you can spend a lot of time browsing PornHub before finding something you like. The good news is that every kink is catered for, no matter how obscure, if you know the right search words.
I have read that arousal is not always directly related to libido. What are your thoughts on this?
I’ve always considered libido as brain function and arousal as physical function. Libido is desire and arousal is the manifestation of that desire
In a tweet you mentioned – If you allow your libido to wither it will eventually die. Explain further.
As that song by The Emotions goes, ‘love is a flower, sent from above’. You need to feed your libido or it will die. It dies when you no longer see yourself as a sexual being, and it’s clearly linked to self esteem. For whatever reason (you put on weight, you got rejected sexually, someone laughed or was mean to you)- you think you’re not worthy of sexual attention and so you shun it. We all know the tropes about people who squish their feelings deep down inside and become emotionally damaged – well it’s the same for libido. You can hide it in some dark corner of your psyche but if you push it too far away it’s hard to get it back.
Treat your libido like a house plant. Keep it fed and watered and give it plenty of light and it will thrive. Read those dirty books, flirt with people on social media, and watch whatever excites. Even if you don’t have a partner to share your sexy self with you can take matters into your own hands, so to speak, and fly solo.
If libido is related to the way a person feels mentally perhaps it would be prudent to work on that aspect first?
Definitely true! As I said above, if you don’t feel you’re worthy or deserving of love or physical affection you’re going to find yourself in a self perpetuating loop of enforced celibacy. Some positive self affirmations will do wonders for a flagging libido. Tell yourself you’re a sexy motherfucker before heading out and you’ll find that people will respond differently. This works for partnered folk too. Maybe you haven’t been intimate for a while, but if you think sexy you’ll be sexy. You don’t have to go all Tony Robbins but if you think positive thoughts you’ll be more attractive to your partner. Moody and morose only works for emo bois and goth girls.
The caveat is that yes, by all means work on your mental health, but don’t get bogged down by it. Don’t wallow in self pity, wondering why no one will love you, it’s a waste of time. Assuming you don’t have an emotionally abusive partner, sometimes it’s okay just to have sex even though you might not feel 100% into it. ‘Just do it’ is a motto some sex therapists use, as a means to get you back on the horse and riding again. You might not feel like getting back in the saddle but once you’re there you remember how good it was, and away you go. Yee-ha!