It has to be said I have been a little SAD the last few days. Not very motivated and lacking the inspiration I felt only a month or so ago.
But then I saw all the great meme prompts this week. I’m particularly excited by Violet’s – Big Sexy Words – meme. I love learning new words but because I’m dyslexic I find the only way they stick in my head is if I use then in context soon after I find them. So it seems Violet’s meme is a good educational tool, but has also motivated me into challenging myself to post something each month that include at least 5 of her 9 sexy words for that months prompt.
Pain ~ My Antidote to Intimacy
Here we go. Let’s talk about pain and intimacy because perhaps they are linked. Although for me they are not woven together in the way you may think.
Having vanilla sex can be great but even before I lost my virginity certain circumstance had already marred my ability to enjoy it. Why? Well I think vanilla sex is intimate and because of the my past the common conception of sex and love going hand in hand became slightly warped to say the least. This resulted in me feeling really dirty, guilty and not very OK mentally once the sex got to that “making love” intimate stage.
When I was a young woman this was really a great problem. Sex with a boyfriend would become a turn off not a turn on and I’d yearn for stranger sex, so I wouldn’t have to face intimacy and all its trappings inside my mind.
Don’t get me wrong I love intimate things. Having my hair brushed by a lover. Sharing a bubble bath. Walking hand in hand in the snow. Kissing in the rain. My skin being stroked.
The intimacy I could not/can not cope with incorporate things such as messy snogging during intercourse, missionary position sex, someone starring longingly at me while they take pleasure from my body.
So I was in a bit of a pickle really. Until I discovered kink. Looking back I am not sure what was the actual genesis of my kinks. I simply realised something would have to change because I loved sex but not how the intimacy made me feel. And it is at this point I embraced spanking and pain.
Pain Needs a Purpose
In general I really do think I’m a little jejeune with regards to BDSM matters. I suppose I have only really explored bondage areas which I thought may help my problem. Spanking, whipping, being tied up and used may be intimate acts to some, but in my eyes they are not warm, fuzzy or cozy. Which mean they work for me.
I was reading Francesca’s post today and agreed with her that pain needs a purpose. In my mind that purpose is the enjoyment of the sex. I do not like pain per-se.
I will always remember the first twice I was spanked. They were by two different men within a short space of time. The first was Al and the second my man. (When I had a brief but memorable liaison with him) – back in 1997. We both remember it happening and me turning around and asking,
“How did you know?”
The following day I examined the marks on my arse and else where. Proud that I’d let it happen. Pleased that I may have found something that would lead to me not feeling guilty about sex.
We had only recently become involved and although he had expressed I should be careful around him I was not so sure yet of my own mind to know that spanking was going to be a sexual Saviour to me. Therefore, I hadn’t mentioned my kinks to him. So how did he know? He simply said he could tell by looking in my eyes.
After we talked about it and he realised I wanted to delve in deeper. However, I was at a vulnerable place that year so he decided it would not really be moral to involve me in his web of pain at that time. Of course we made up for it when we finally got together six odd years ago.
Do it with Meaning
But between that time and becoming reacquainted I didn’t really find anyone who wanted to spank me in the way I needed to be spanked. For their pleasure too. I found a partner or two who would give it a go because I wanted it but as it wasn’t their kink I was never convinced it was pleasing them. So it ceased to please me.
When I’m spanked, or whipped, by someone who gets off on administering the pain, I become removed. The sex that follows isn’t intimate at all. It is simply for pleasure, not love and that’s the why I like it.
From the moment I receive that first crack my nipples begin to indurate and goosebumps rise up on my skin. Initially I begin to concentrate to remain in repose and let my focus retreat deep inside my mind. This way the sexual acts delight rather than trigger me. And even though I am receiving the spanking I feel in control of the situation. It is difficult to explain but the pain gives me permission to enjoy the sexual sensations. So much so that after a session has gone well I’m initially ebullient and eventually calm and composed. Centered.
Any marks that the bondage session leave become a visual memory which I cherish as a reminder that the sex worked for me. I won…
I used these five Big Sexy Words :
- Jejeune – naive simplistic
- Repose – calm relaxed
- Genesis – origin start
- Ebullient – more cheerful
- Indurate – harden rigid
And I get a gold star for fitting the post in with so many memes 😉