Personal Complexities of Pain and Intimacy

It has to be said I have been a little SAD the last few days. Not very motivated and lacking the inspiration I felt only a month or so ago.

But then I saw all the great meme prompts this week. I’m particularly excited by Violet’s – Big Sexy Words – meme. I love learning new words but because I’m dyslexic I find the only way they stick in my head is if I use then in context soon after I find them. So it seems Violet’s meme is a good educational tool, but has also motivated me into challenging myself to post something each month that include at least 5 of her 9 sexy words for that months prompt.

Pain ~ My Antidote to Intimacy

Here we go. Let’s talk about pain and intimacy because perhaps they are linked. Although for me they are not woven together in the way you may think.

History marks

Having vanilla sex can be great but even before I lost my virginity certain circumstance had already marred my ability to enjoy it. Why? Well I think vanilla sex is intimate and because of the my past the common conception of sex and love going hand in hand became slightly warped to say the least. This resulted in me feeling really dirty, guilty and not very OK mentally once the sex got to that “making love” intimate stage.

When I was a young woman this was really a great problem. Sex with a boyfriend would become a turn off not a turn on and I’d yearn for stranger sex, so I wouldn’t have to face intimacy and all its trappings inside my mind.

Intimate Pleasures

Don’t get me wrong I love intimate things. Having my hair brushed by a lover. Sharing a bubble bath. Walking hand in hand in the snow. Kissing in the rain.  My skin being stroked.

The intimacy I could not/can not cope with incorporate things such as messy snogging during intercourse, missionary position sex, someone starring longingly at me while they take pleasure from my body.

So I was in a bit of a pickle really. Until I discovered kink. Looking back I am not sure what was the actual genesis of my kinks. I simply realised something would have to change because I loved sex but not how the intimacy made me feel. And it is at this point I embraced spanking and pain.

Pain Needs a Purpose

In general I really do think I’m a little jejeune with regards to BDSM matters. I suppose I have only really explored bondage areas which I thought may help my problem. Spanking, whipping, being tied up and used may be intimate acts to some, but in my eyes they are not warm, fuzzy or cozy. Which mean they work for me.

I was reading Francesca’s post today and agreed with her that pain needs a purpose. In my mind that purpose is the enjoyment of the sex. I do not like pain per-se.

I will always remember the first twice I was spanked. They were by two different men within a short space of time. The first was Al and the second my man. (When I had a brief but memorable liaison with him) – back in 1997. We both remember it happening and me turning around and asking,

“How did you know?”

The following day I examined the marks on my arse and else where. Proud that I’d let it happen. Pleased that I may have found something that would lead to me not feeling guilty about sex.

We had only recently become involved and although he had expressed I should be careful around him I was not so sure yet of my own mind to know that spanking was going to be a sexual Saviour to me. Therefore, I hadn’t mentioned my kinks to him. So how did he know? He simply said he could tell by looking in my eyes.

After we talked about it and he realised I wanted to delve in deeper. However, I was at a vulnerable place that year so he decided it would not really be moral to involve me in his web of pain at that time. Of course we made up for it when we finally got together six odd years ago.

Do it with Meaning

But between that time and becoming reacquainted I didn’t really find anyone who wanted to spank me in the way I needed to be spanked. For their pleasure too. I found a partner or two who would give it a go because I wanted it but as it wasn’t their kink I was never convinced it was pleasing them. So it ceased to please me.

When I’m spanked, or whipped, by someone who gets off on administering the pain, I become removed. The sex that follows isn’t intimate at all. It is simply for pleasure, not love and that’s the why I like it.

From the moment I receive that first crack my nipples begin to indurate and goosebumps rise up on my skin. Initially I begin to concentrate to remain in repose and let my focus retreat deep inside my mind. This way the sexual acts delight rather than trigger me. And even though I am receiving the spanking I feel in control of the situation. It is difficult to explain but the pain gives me permission to enjoy the sexual sensations. So much so that after a session has gone well I’m initially ebullient and eventually calm and composed. Centered.

Pain, Intimacy and Marks

Any marks that the bondage session leave become a visual memory which I cherish as a reminder that the sex worked for me. I won…

I used these five Big Sexy Words :

  1. Jejeune – naive simplistic
  2. Repose – calm relaxed
  3. Genesis – origin start
  4. Ebullient – more cheerful
  5. Indurate – harden rigid

And I get a gold star for fitting the post in with so many memes 😉



#397 Motivation


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34 thoughts on “Personal Complexities of Pain and Intimacy”

  1. Oh May’s bottom is on show, there must be a tale to it, or should it be tail? There’s a thought! Great post May, a nice insight into your world and you path with pain.

  2. Plenty of meat on the bone to digest in this post May. Definitely lots of food for thought and I greatly appreciate your candid insights into pain and intimacy. xx

  3. What an interesting read.
    Regarding intimacy, kink and pain, I think we’re quite similar. Neither of them come easily or without cost. Thanks for the post and gratz on combining all the memes?

  4. This is a very interesting post and I want to thank you for sharing with Tell Me About

    I read it a couple of times through as your experience is so very different to mine I wanted to understand your point of view as best as I can.

    I love how we are all so incredibly individual in our needs. I couldn’t contemplate kink or pain without the intimacy I have with MrH. But then I have had sex with people I barely knew and it wasn’t fulfilling at all.

    I need the holy grail, intimacy, love, sex and kink, but they are my needs and I really love hearing other peoples perspectives.

    Thank you again

    Sweetgirl x

    1. Thanks for that comment Sweet. I was just replying to Melody’s post and saying how wonderful it is that we are all so different in our needs where pain is concerned. You have just reiterated that xx

  5. Firstly well done and definitely a gold star re the memes. I checked out the sexy words before it started but was too early so am grateful as your post has reminded me to go and check it again.

    Secondly what a fab post. It was really interesting to read about your connection between intimacy and pain. You have made me contemplate my own which I think is quite different. Real pain, past what I want to take, does destroy the intimacy for me but unlike you I want the intimacy I guess although I didn’t have it in the past ?

  6. It’s so interesting that the pain allows you to enjoy the sexual sensations. This entire post was very interesting and insightful.

    Also I didn’t even realise that you’d use the words. I read them but was like… I have no idea what that means? Maybe it’s because I’m not a native speaker? And then realised when I reached the end of the post haha
    And also I’m impressed how many memes you managed to fit this post into!

    1. I know u live in Scotland – I am there too at the moment, on the boarders, but where do u originate from? U may have mentioned it? x

        1. I think u did tell me that before – I knew u were from “up there” somewhere” 😉 I don’t live here. I have a home in Wales. Lived most of my life in South East England, but work all around the UK – moving every 2 weeks or so- a nomad 😉 x

          1. Haha ?Ah, I’m jealous of you, I love Wales. It’s where I did my undergraduate and it’s the place that captured my heart. Though I guess you don’t spend much time at home then being a nomad! x

  7. Lots of fascinating stuff to digest here. I go part of the way you describe. Intimacy and pain very much related and then I have that brick wall where sex comes into the equation. As a means to make sex pleasurably abstract. That the pain lets you give yourself permission to enjoy the sex is something I can understand.

    Great use of words and meme multi-tasking ??

  8. Loved this May – further insight into your make up. I know what you mean about intimacy – I find many intimate things make me feel very squirmy, unless I initiate them. That’s where my kinks come in – so u struck a chord with me.
    I like the ‘Big Sexy Words’ meme & Youve given a great demo of how to do it! Some of your words were new to me – love that!
    I’m sorry you’ve not been feeling your best – I’m sure your spark will be back soon.
    Thanks for linking Francesca’s post – it supported your sentiments well. I must try to write something for this/ these prompts too! You’ve set the bar high! X

      1. I intended to, but your post spelt out how so well it was easy to follow your lead. I love learning & using new words xx

  9. I loved reading this, to see how pain worked to ‘free your mind’. I also love what you wrote about intimacy, that it doesn’t have to be sex, but it can be so many different things.

    Rebel xox

  10. I love reading other folks thoughts on pain, my approach is I think quite different, in fact while there can be intimacy in my masochism it’s probably the area of kink that I find the least intimate and I often just do it for sport and a good time, so I love reading accounts that are on the flip side of that. Fab post May and great job on the big words, which sounds way more patronising that I intended, lol, I’m leaving it because I’m filled with faith that you know what I mean =D xxx

    1. I don’t like intimacy where sexual acts are concerned at all – be it vanilla or kink. I don’t see BDSM as intimate but the pain I get from it gives me the ability to enjoy the sexual stimulation – it removes me. That is why I like spanking, it enables me to feel more normal about the sex x

  11. So you already know I love spanking. I like it better then sex often because I can focus and I don’t have to worry about what my partner wants from me. It calms me. It’s intimate in a different way that I like because there’s a purpose to it. The guilt thing resonated with me. So much of my inability to enjoy sex is too often tied to guilt around the act from my upbringing.

    Great post as always, May. Thank you for sharing

  12. What can I say? You are not only writing a beautiful, insightful post, you also manage to make me wonder whether words are typos or if they really do exists. Now I know, they do. Thanks for sharing your experience. xox

  13. I love the idea of using the words, I’m going to try that – I could do with expanding my vocabulary. The part about embracing kink because you didn’t want Intimacy struck a bit of a cord in me, I maybe have some thinking to do. Well done on fitting this into so many memes. xx

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