The Power Exchange

The Power Exchange

Before I began my blog I thought I was submissive. I like my man to tie me up, whip, fuck and use me sexually for his pleasure.

Then as a blogger, I began to read so much about lifestyle submissives. Incorporating being a sub and a Dom into your everyday life.  I realised, in that context,  I am not really a submissive at all.

Sexually Submissive

But it got me thinking about why I enjoy being a sexual sub. I came to the conclusion that in everyday matters I often take control and make the decisions. So when it comes to sex I just want someone else to do that for me…

You decide what you want from me. Take your pleasure and I will get mine from your domination. And please hurt me along the way a bit too – because I really need to feel the release from filtering out the pain – it helps me forget that I am an adult who takes responsibility for everything I do.


Then I started to wonder if I would like some of the control taken away from me on a daily basis. Or tasks that I need to learn or do for our partnership. With the premise that if I got stuff wrong or stepped out of line I would be punished. Such a regime may actually do me good, setting boundaries. In fact I do sometimes say to my man,

Give me a good spanking tonight, it will bring me back to reality.

I believe it too. Sometimes I  get too big for my boots in our relationship.

So what conditions do I need met to consider a D’s lifestyle ? To take the s out of the bedroom into every day life. Well, it’s complicated.


I’m bright and to keep me in line I need someone with a higher IQ.  Initially I was attracted to my man because he is extremely intelligent.  I ‘m also attracted by risk takers. However, such people are often not very good with money. Naturally, my man is a risk taker. He thinks life is for living and learning and as a consequence almost appears to have a personality glitch where money is concerned. He does not overly care about financial security, he also does little to secure it.


The thing is even though I don’t find men that are fussed and concerned about money particularly attractive there was a time in our relationship when because of certain talents he was earning quite a bit and I wasn’t. For that duration, I found it easy to behave a little like a lifestyle submissive. Often I  dressed sexily and was ready with a cocktail when he came home.  And to be honest I would quite happily have taken his shoes and socks off to wash his feet. I admire him greatly anyhow, but when he was providing for us, taking that concern away from me, I bowed to him. Respected his ability to put bread on the table, so to speak. I see that everything in life is transactional in some way. It’s a power exchange.

Power Exchange

For a while, I have been the one with money in the bank and actively finding ways of earning more. My man has some intellectual and artistic projects he has worked very hard on. However, they don’t bring in money. But the horizon is looking brighter. The job we do together is expanding. This is a positive thing as we have recently landed a few higher paying clients because of his skills, not mine. I recognise that and am feeling more positive about our financial future. And this does have a knock-on effect for me. It is at these times I am more likely to exhibit more of a submissive nature on a daily basis.

Probably how I feel has evolutionary roots. The provider and protector fulfills the need in me to be looked after.  And yes, please let me be seen as an independent woman too.

Future Power Exchange & Triggers

I very much want to be protected and directed. It’s  in my nature. But for me to allow it, as discussed already, there would have to be a certain set of circumstance. I read about many bloggers who have turned to this way of life after years of being with the same person and it has almost given their relationship a new lease of life.

My man and me have only been together for 5 years – so still fresh.  We appear well suited until the subject of money is raised. Working together 24/7 means we need some light relief. This is why we arrange date nights. I am also not averse to some submissive role-play. That is as long as it does not entail being a little. I can’t even read stories about the man being called “daddy.”  I expect I am triggered by such posts because of my past, so the connotations make me squirm. But that is my problem. I am not judging others – some of my favourite bloggers enjoy this dynamic and that’s fine by me. Two consenting adults can play out whatever they wish.


Well first I do not really like labels as I think they are restrictive. So, I use the term submissive just as a definition rather then a tag. But I do think that a submissive lifestyle would suit my man and me to a certain extent. It works for me that he is intelligent and adventurous. And on his part he thrives when I am attentive and adores being a man. He takes good care of my sexual and food needs and surpasses me on most levels, intellectual. So I would just have to work out the money/power dynamic, in my head or in real life, for this to actually work.

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18 thoughts on “The Power Exchange

  1. Late to the party because of being out of town, but I love this post. Labels can be something that gives us an identity or restricts us. The way that you defined your views and feelings made so much sense to me. Snake, in similar ways, isn’t submissive. He submits to me and that isn’t the same thing at all. Lovely post!

  2. Nodding along to your post May, I see some of me in what you discuss, and I like the way readers’ comments have clarfied further about the difference in the dynamic between a slave and a submissive.

    My labelling from reading experience only (if I had to use labels, which you don’t really like) would be that you’re a bratty submissive.

    Tasks – perhaps he could make the financial side of things one of your tasks? I don’t know much about the D/s lifestyle, but it seems that people like 5ubmissy and Molly are quite an organisational, driving force outside the bedroom but submissive once things get intimate. You seem to describe a similar situation.

    I shall enjoy reading further discussions.

  3. Why do you not see yourself as being in a submissive lifestyle?
    I mean, it is what I call myself, but it doesn’t influence all my actions. I’m still the one who decides when we go out, whether we should undertake certain life events (like moving to the other side of the country ?) etc etc.
    I answer to my Dominant, I feel his, but I make plenty of decisions without him as well.
    What makes it different for you? What else do you feel you would need to do?

  4. I really enjoyed this post May and it has generated some interesting discussion. I think that there is a lot of time spent trying to define things when really each relationship is as different as the people within it. Any agreed power exchange would only cover the aspects that the couple wanted to include. You give or take as much power in as many or as few areas as suits you. That can be sexually only if that suits.

    I also think that the line between submissive and slave is blurred. Again, it depends what the couple identify as and what that means to them. It will look different to everyone and there is no rule book that I have found yet. I know that I would make a terrible slave as I am not ready to give what I would need to but also sometimes I make a terrible sub.

    I definitely have strong opinions and voice them. I will always do that but I do try to do it in a respectful way. If it is important to me then I am confident HL will take it into account as he has committed to meeting my needs as much as I have to meeting his. And for us, finances tend to be my domain as I am better with them, although we do discuss decisions regarding them so that it becomes a joint process with no hard feelings on either side. Not sure if any of that helps at all ?

    1. I know we have spoken about this before and I am certainly never going to veer towards slave territory 😉 That said there are times when all I want to do is please him. But then the next day I am a contrary madam! Humans huh! All individuals so all the partnerships are too x

  5. I think sometimes – especially in the age of Internet Wisdom – it’s easy to get the idea that certain preferences or behaviors mean You Are __________.

    I don’t find that to be true.

    The types of activities we enjoy – as individuals, within a relationship – sexually or otherwise – are not always indicative of Who We Are.

    Activity versus Identity.

    I’m a fan of doing what feels right according to the situation, and taking on the role{s} that suit regardless of Title-ist expectations.

    Which is a very long way of saying, “You do YOU.” 🙂

    (And try not to worry over much about the fine print. 😉 )

    1. I so agree Feve. I was knocking on that door in my last para when I said labels were too restrictive. Mainly what I do with my man, and the way we work things out seems to propel us forward – and that’s the main thing – many thanks for your comment x

  6. There’s much here I found myself nodding to.

    Being a submissive is a state of being. However, the expression of it is unique to the individual, especially when it comes to the interaction with a dominant.

    Although I would welcome the opportunity to explore power exchange, I have reservations about some of the boundaries and divisions you write here. My reservations tend to be couched as my perception of the difference between a submissive and slave and I see an echo of that here.

    I will gladly read future posts to see how this evolves. xx

    1. ah interesting Melody – as you know by my comments on your blog I am quite naive to many things within our sex blogging world – what I mean is I do what I do and don’t really look at weather it falls into a category or under a label – more than happy for you to expand here or via dm. I would not hold your breath on me becoming a lifestyle submissive 😉 x

      1. In brief, my view, and it’s a personal one, is that a submissive is one who has the ability for independent thought and action within the D/s dynamic. They will argue, provide input, even take on roles (maybe temporarily) that are not normally theirs within the relationship because they are the best placed to make the decision. The assertion of power exchange with a submissive is a reset, it may just be “that look”

        On the other hand the slave within a power exchange has little or no latitude for independent thought or action. It’s all down to the dominant to express their instructions.

        As a submissive I can enjoy the interplay of power dynamics and accept that moment when the discussion is deemed to be over. As a slave, I’d be bored rigid.

        Hope that gives a flavour. I may have to consider a fresh post on what some consider to be a semantic quibble because they use submissive and slave as interchangeable terms.

        1. Ah – TY – I would not make a good slave!
          I argue and disagree and I thought that was a problem and that submissives are not supposed t do that!
          Please do write about the this…

          1. It’s probably time I re-wrote some old stuff on that topic.

            And I could never see you as a slave, all nicely docile ??

    1. I didn’t learn this about me for years – but relationships were often failing because I knew I could out smart them – and for me that was not what I wanted x

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