Privacy, Respect and Surveillance

Privacy, Respect and Surveillance

As a child I was taught to respect other people’s privacy. Don’t get me wrong if something fell into my lap I would take a peep – I’m human not a machine but I wouldn’t go looking for it. Surely if you go searching for trouble you may eventually find it?

So what led to me getting up one morning, nearly four years ago, and deliberately picking up my mans mobile phone to check the messages while he was still in bed?

In mitigation – ma lord – I was concerned about a canoeing trip he was about to take with a friend. His Lyme disease had been niggling him so he was not as strong as normal. I took a look at a message regarding the length of the trip first but then I began scrolling through the other texts.

At the time it was clear he was in love with me – what was I expecting to find? I knew I was doing wrong. My man values his personal privacy and I was crossing that line. However, a previous relationship had distorted my view on what was acceptable. From where I was standing my act was no where near as serious as what I’d had to endure in my relationship of a few years earlier.


Going back to that time my then partner Mr A had been concerned regarding my feelings for my man. He ignored that there was over 200 miles between my man and me. Not to mention, even if I crossed the divide, my biological need to mother my children over powered my lust to get down and dirty with him.

During that time Mr A constantly checked my phone. My computer was secretly bugged with a application which took shots of my online activity every few minutes. My conversations with friends were recorded. Plus a GPS device hidden in my car.

I let this all happen to keep the family status quo running smoothly. And after a short while it didn’t seem so aberrant. But of course it was. My privacy had been violated. But the funny thing is, when we accept a situation for long enough, it gradually appears normal to us. In a way that is what happened to me.

After my daughter had gone to University I eventually left Mr A.


The fateful morning when I was caught red handed happened a few years later.  Unbeknown to me my man followed me out of bed. I turned to find him standing behind me looking bemused as I checked his phone. With regards to privacy, in that moment, I was jolted back to some kind of reality.

My man was understandably not happy about the situation but also didn’t rant and rave about catching me at it.  Well not for too long 😉

The thing is if I had asked him about his trip or anything else regarding messages on his phone he probably would have invited me to take a look. It wasn’t even as it he hid the mobile. He constantly left it laying around. So to this day I don’t know what I was expecting to find.

It took a bit more time until I managed to modify my thoughts and understand that what had happened to me regarding surveillance was very wrong. I am not great with trust but my man had never done anything to prove himself untrustworthy where I was concerned. Innocent until proven guilty. Is that what I was hoping to achieve? It is beyond me now. I was a bad girl and he should have given me a good spanking!

If you are not respecting a lover’s privacy, then you are not respecting them as a person.

10 thoughts on “Privacy, Respect and Surveillance

  1. How terribly controlling and untrusting of Mr. A! I understand how that may have distorted your ideas of privacy. I once took a look at my Husband’s texts, but it was at a time I was feeling insecure and didn’t trust Him. I felt guilty, and eventually fessed up. Because you are right…it’s a terribly disrespectful thing to do. We’re human though, and prone to weakness and insecurity.

  2. Interesting May. My man and I are very trusting of each other and I would not normally do that, but occasionally seeing messages flash up on his phone, if I see a name I don’t mention my curiosity is piqued.

    I used to live with someone very jealous, so maybe (like you) suspicion was forced on me rather than it being my default setting.Talking about it is the best way and my OH is always happy to do that, as I am with him.

  3. I really hate you had to go through that kind of relationship with Mr. A! So happy you are in such a good relationship now!! We learn a lot from our past experiences. Thank you for sharing! xx

  4. Sadly, abusers using surveillance tech against their partners is very common. 🙁
    Curiosity is part of the human condition, and when we’ve been fucked with before it can mess with our perceptions of what is and isn’t acceptable behaviour later on. Good for you for not getting defensive but examining your feelings, xxx

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