Ramblings ~ I have kept diaries on and off since I was a young teen. I have all my early boyfriends immortalised in handwritten detail. And I suppose my blog is very similar to a diary in places. Retelling past memories and putting present ones into print.
I have a blogger account featuring a few of my 1997 diaries and am gradually bringing them over to this blog – I think it is where they belong.
There are some on here already, earlier than this entry. Let me recap for those of you who want to read this as a stand alone.
I was having a break from Seb – who eventually became the father of my children – and was wasting time over a man called Al. There was a very strong physical attraction between us but I had my suspicions he was more used to having sex with men than women. We had been casually seeing each other when the second time we attempted intercourse he went soft, again. I behaved badly being young and naive. And he abruptly got up and left. Wanting my say I sent him a letter – here is an excerpt of the letter.
Guys have gone soft inside me before, well one actually but not twice, and not with a pre-occupation for anal activity… when this happened last night I was OK and just wanted to talk to you… But no you wouldn’t reassure me you just totally abuse my feelings and hospitality by saying nothing and getting up to go. Woman will always hit you if you behave like that… By getting up and leaving you slapped me harder than I did you.
Now here is the actual diary entry which I wrote a day after sending the letter. It reads very much like the ramblings of a deluded wretch!
July 29th 1997 ~ Ramblings from the diary entry
Still feel a little shell shocked. Spoke to Virginia last night. Well went round and we popped out for a drink. She says I have got nothing to blame myself for and we had a bit of a giggle predicting what Al’s brother would say if he heard that Al couldn’t keep it up with me. His brother still thinks I’m some sort of goddess, and tells me any time he gets the chance.
I suppose we were being a little bitchy but how does Al know I will protect him? I could be telling all his mates. Of course I won’t, but he isn’t to know that.
Really he had no right pursuing me if he is unsure of his sexuality. Now I know why at Hannah’s party he hesitated and said he’d never been out with a girl he liked and he’d never met anyone like me. He hadn’t. I think the reason he said he was attracted to me in the beginning was because I told him he was camp and asked him if he’d slept with men. He never replied but he probably thought – this one can cope with it.
I need some balls
I really just want him to be Ok – not to be confused or worry, yeah I know that’s lame because he made me feel like shit!
Seb has realised something is wrong. He rang Jane last night and said he knew I was upset and some guy must have hurt me. She just told him that I would get over it in a few weeks. Jane – ever the naive optimist. I think I just want to get Hannah’s birthday over with and then I will have to get real and face up to it. Trouble is I do want to see him. I want him even if it’s just as a friend and keep wondering if he has anyone to talk to. I know it sounds silly but I’d like him to know I would be his friend.
After I hit him and he wasn’t too pleased, to say the least, I said,
“I just wanted to be your friend. “
He replied that I’d gone the wrong way about it by hitting him. But in hindsight by doing that I gave him the perfect excuse to just get up and leave quickly. Maybe after a while he would have spoken to me about what happened if I hadn’t of lashed out. It was spontaneous, I couldn’t help myself. Virginia thinks he would have been too embarrassed to talk in depth about it and whether I hit him or not he wouldn’t have rang through his embarrassment.
Analysing – yes more ramblings, wishing and wanting.
I opened one of my condoms last night. The ones he had were much thicker! I’m thinking that gay guys would need thicker condoms for obvious reasons.
Oh Al – why why why? It’s so sad when you are the only guy I’ve met in ages who turns me on sooo bloody much. Will I ever see you again? Not for months I think.
The way I see it there are these options:
He’s been abused as a child, I know his dad was violent, which has led to unusual sexual tastes, like me!
He is just bi sexual or gay anyway.
He was nervous of me.
I’m probably never going to know.
I hope the letter I sent has not made him feel too bad. If he is away because of work he may not have even read it yet.
The point is why does he wear loads of bangles all the way up his arm and then cover them up with long sleeves? He was very defensive about what they actually mean. And why hide the fact he had acquired a new one? I hurt for him because he won’t hurt for me – he may feel embarrassed but he will put it all to the back of his mind and bring out another one of those different personalities as a way of defense. You never know he may even throw the letter away without reading it.
What about tomorrow?
The trouble is I am still young enough to live in hope about seeing him say in five months at a new years or Christmas party but old enough to keep thinking of the start of that evening when he was so fucking horny to me – a bit rough too. I liked it! Was he rough because usually he’s getting down and dirty with men?
The morning after when I rang him he sounded like a spoiled little boy – doesn’t he know I don’t want to hit him? I want to hug him.
One thing I must be careful about is that the phone may have been on loud speaker when I called and was talking to him about hitting him. If it was his brother may already know. So if I hear any comments about the incident I mustn’t automatically blame Al. But If I do have strong evidence he has been gossiping about the slap I will not hesitate to let rip about him. He must realise his reputation with his mates is in my hands – that gives me power. And after all me hitting him is probably a more common thing than what he did (or rather didn’t do) to me.
About two months after I wrote the above this taboo act happened between me and Al.