Round four feedback ~ Smut Marathon 2020

round five feedback

Specification for round four– Write a story that features dancing.

Last year I very much admired how Charlie Powell delivered her feedback – a positive point and a recommendation. I have been attempted that style through the competition and will continue. If you have any questions regarding the feedback for your entry, or if I have not commented on your entry, then feel free to email me.

When reading feedback for your round four entry please remember that what we personally like to read is very subjective. The judges may not all agree, and similarly there will be a wide range across readers votes. That is a positive thing. What I am trying to say is do not take things too much to heart in regards to feedback. Try and keep things in perspective and enjoy the competition.

Process

I read through all the round four entries once. Then on my second read through I made a cut. I took through those stories that left some kind of impression on me. At this point I was not looking at the style of writing or any errors made. Simply looking for some good story telling.

This time I came out with 25 stories after my first cut. On further inspection I whittled it down to 20 entries. Now I read them all out loud and looked deeper into how they were written. It is then that I awarded my points.

Here you will find feed back for all those 20 stories from round four that made my second cut – which include the nine that received my points…

FeedBack for Round Four in number order…

3) SLOW DANCE

Smart and funny tale I liked it – was real and pulled me along. I was that young woman who asked the men to dance, so it resonated with me.

A great title would be teenage kicks.

The sentence which includes “I felt” twice, may work better with out them. You are all ready telling us how it felt really well – “My body tensed up as my member rubbed against her thigh in time with the slow, sensuous rhythm. I cleared my throat. Through our clothes her soft, warm body gently ground against mine.” – Reads better.

4) ON A SQUARE METER

I like this. The narrative is written like a dance. The words are like music, playing as the story unfolds. This line is great- “telling me about his life and the promise of his love without a word.”

I think the second to last paragraph could be improved. Perhaps take away the first occurrence of, “my legs” and replace with I.

I am a little confused early on when you mention “ignoring him” – then immediately he is holding her.

6) DANCE OF THE WARRIORS – 8 points

This tale really picked me up and swept me along. Very well written and even though I anticipated the ending I like how you closed the story. Well done for a unique plot too. The first paragraph gives us some background and along with your last line this narrative is changed from being just a scene into a story. Good job

7) THE PRINCIPAL

I found this scene extremely intense and erotic. You also paint a fabulous picture of the male dancer.

I do want to know more about the whys 😉 Also – “I know his smell; I know what it feels like to have his damp, sculpted torso glide across my naked breasts. I ache for him. I ache to taste, touch” – The second I know may read better as “know”. The same with the second I ache – simply, “Ache”

13) SMUTTY DANCING – 6 Points

Enjoyed this – the spareness of the writing and the flow of the tale. Not only that it was witty. I so enjoy humour alongside smut. It can be tricky but I think you did a good job here. Taking something as simple as the okey kokey and managing to link that up with sex.

I think the writing may be improved in a couple of places but you entertained me.

14) TEMPTATION IN TULLE

No sex yet a very sensual tale. I like how you concentrate on the dancers feet. I also think you put across the guys innocence well.

Some of the sentences are a little lengthy. I only noticed this when I put it through my read out loud test.

17) THE GREAT RITE – 7 Points

Unique very well written tale. Well done. Loving the name. “horned God” and the style of the writing worked perfectly with the plot. Wonderful line- “ lays the Goddess down on a bed of moss and moonlight.” Fabulous end too.

21) A VERY PERSONAL PERFORMANCE

I like how this is all one paragraph. It works as this is a scene that unfolds well – great descriptive writing.

I would like to know a little of their history. Incorrect spelling of auditorium.

22) FRIDAY NIGHT IN DAHAB

Interesting take – I like that you went in a different direction with your story. This is a great line- “ he smiles like a pirate on vacation.” And it certainly made me smile like a smut marathon judge enjoying her reading 😉 Then just as quickly this became semi-serious and made me think.

I would have stated the scene with her name rather than “she”. The longer paragraph read slightly clunky in places.

24) ALL BY MYSELF – 5 Points

I commend the difference of this piece. Really happy with the spareness of the writing and could feel the urgency as the story unfolds. And just when I think it isn’t very erotic you throw in a hot and sexy ending. Good work. Great title too – reminded me of the well known song.

“Taste my own agency” – good use of agency. Very creative.

Maybe less use of italics.

27) DANSE MACABRE – 10 Points

Loved this the moment I began to read. You quickly created a strong scene and wrote a complete flash story – excellent – that pulled me in. When it had finished I felt a sense of loss that they never met again. I wanted more for the couple. Your writing made me invest in them brilliant job.

“I never did dance with Rosie again. Swept away by war, I never returned to England.” – Wondering about the second never. Maybe you wanted it like that?

33) DINNER DANCE

I took this relatively normal scene through in my cut as for me it worked. It was hot but also I liked all the detail you included. Things like knowing what song they were listening to – which by the way I love the one you chose.

Beware of making an event read like a list.

36) THE BALLERINA’S CORRUPTION – 9 Points

I had to read this more than a few times to appreciate what you have done with the shifts in the piece. The dance and the sex. I loved the dirtiness of the sex scene. And I don’t just mean hot I mean not clean as well. It worked for me. And you ended giving a very strong image of the girl. Very good writing.

I am not sure this will be everyone’s cup of tea. But I like coffee.

41) OUR LAST KLUBNACHT

This is electric! I became a light in the darkened room and watched the hot scene as it unfolded. This line, “ I sense every time his dick swells in your throat by the way you clench tight.” – explains so much to the reader. I am not into chemical drugs or the club scene but I was into this story.

A few lines to the end of the narrative may be improved.

42) THE CLOSING DANCE – 3 Points

I took this through in my first cut without commenting at all. I couldn’t. It is a very sad story and my eyes welled up while reading. It came through my second cut as I commend you for running with death – a taboo idea when wrapped up in sex. And for creating so much emotion in me. The dance of love, life and sex. Well written too.

One niggle – when he happened upon then – coughing was not being discrete 😉

43) WIR WERDEN FICKEN

This is a visually strong scene and your main character is well defined. I have met people like her during my time in Munich. Not fucked them though 😉

I think your first sentence is a little too long. I noticed when reading out loud.

48) THUNDERSTRUCK VS THE NUTCRACKER – 4 Points

Pulled me in immediately and quite an original plot. I was not expecting the ending which I loved. I think the story worked well. And because you provided us with some history it felt like a complete story too. I was immediately reminded of the film Billy Elliott.

Less fucks in the last paragraph 😉

49) DREAM, DREAM, DREAM, DREAM…

I really liked this. The individual voice you have kept up through out the story. You enabled the reader to go along with character on her journey.

There are bits that can be improved upon. This sentence for one “Your mouth is on mine and I’m as hungry for your tongue as you are for mine.”

52) BLOOD BLESSING – 2 Points

I couldn’t ignore this scene. It leapt out of the page. When I read it out loud the words flowed nicely. The vision of the bloody fuck was very strong and I like the style of writing you have used too.

Would have like to know of a little more background

57) A CELEBRATION OF SALVATION

This is a great idea for a story as survival makes for raw and urgent sex scenes. As you depicted here well. I loved the imagery of fucking in the life saving rain. “Chests heaving in the aftermath, we stare into each others eyes as the rain continues to pour down on us.” Great visuals

A few improvement could be made writing wise. Too many “lips” – which noticed when I did my obligatory read out loud.

I enjoyed all of the above stories and wish you luck…


Here is a flash I wrote recently about a dance of sorts.

Round Four 2018 – When I was in the smut marathon 2 years ago I tried my hand at a little bit of science fiction for my round four story. It didn’t do great but I liked it.

And I will leave you with that thought. The most important thing is that YOU like what you write. That matters most…

Header from Pixabay

smut marathon round four feedback
Round Four Feedback

3 thoughts on “Round four feedback ~ Smut Marathon 2020

  1. Hi May. Thank you for such positive feedback and the 10 points, I’m so pleased it worked for you. I really appreciate you taking the time to review and thoughts. As to that last double never. I had played around with a couple of ways to finish it, and I couldn’t find a better way (in the time) to not use never again. I must remember to use the reading out loud more often to check more carefully for those type of issues. Thanks again.

  2. I am full of admiration for you. To read all the stories not once but at least twice before narrowing things down and reading that shorter list again. It’s impressive. I couldn’t be part of this as I just don’t have that time. But in fairness you need to be able to do this. Well done!

Comments are closed.

Follow on Twitter

Get an email when I post

Recent on Sex Matters

%d bloggers like this: