Francesca’s question was extremely thought provoking…
“If I need to rely on a safe-word, am I playing with the right partner?”
And I would say it does make you wonder.
Letting another person take control of your body in some way surely means that you trust them.
Therefore, if another person, that you trust, is taking control of your body then they should know you inside out. They should know how your body reacts to certain stimulus and the signs of when you are under stress. Not only that they should be mindful of your welfare.
So if all the above is the case then why would you need a safe-word or safe-sign?
In my world the above applies. I trust my man with my body and also that he has my best interests at heart. He is very vigilant in respect of my behaviours in general and especially sexually. Also before we play we practically always chat about what will be happening and where we both are hoping it will go. Therefore, we know a little of what to expect from the session before it has begun.
But that is not a fail-safe. Once, about three years ago he was fucking me in the arse and didn’t read the signs – it had become uncomfortable for me. It’s so important to do anal right. Injuries can happen and if it stops being enjoyable then why carry on?
We don’t have this type of intercourse very often and I think he simply got carried away. I suppose it is a good job it was just anal sex as I have a lot of past experience with it and knew how to relax. I can’t remember what I did or said but he suddenly realised things were no longer right, and stopped. He was extremely apologetic and we spoke about it after. Trying to work out what happened. We both learned a lesson that day and he is now more careful to check with me along the way if he’s at all unsure how I am feeling. But we still didn’t decide to assign a safe word/sign.
No Safe Word
So why not? Maybe one of the reasons is if I use a safe-word I’m effectively saying NO to him. And even though this has been known to happen I’d rather not where sex is concerned.
Another reason is our sex play is never really that extreme. We get off on a bit of bondage. Where I’m tied, bound and fucked. Spanking and slapping are often on the menu. As in belting, whipping and the addition of a blindfold. We have tried and enjoyed wax play, and as mentioned above – anal penetration. Sex toys have also made an appearance
So I really see my self as quite lightweight in the BDSM world. I am even naive to a lot of terms. I often have to ask my Twitter friends what something means.
But my man and I enjoy what we do.
I mean why would I need a safe word if I am on my knees under a desk sucking his cock while he is watching porn at the said desk?
Having read many of your posts by now I think that perhaps the coloured lights system as explained by Steeled Snake may work for us. There have been times when I just wanted to say – “yep, nearly as far as i want to go,” and apparently I could quickly impart this knowledge with the word yellow or amber. I like that idea.
At the end of the day we are simple folk. Into simple pleasures. 😉
And in case you are wondering I get my fair share of being licked or wanked. I just have to ask.
But I do understand many people are involved in far more serious BDSM acts and sometimes have more than one playmate. In either of those cases I can see the need to use a word or sign.
As to words that make me feel safe or happy sexually. Good Girl works for me but so does Dirty Bitch… And words that show I am appreciated. We are not great for “I love yous” – so that always packs a happy punch when I hear it.
PS. Do you think that in time everything you do yourself just appears normal?
Updated for Tell Me About Safety…