safe and bound

Safe and Bound

Francesca’s question was extremely thought provoking…

She asked

“If I need to rely on a safe-word, am I playing with the right partner?”

And I would say it does make you wonder.

Trust

Letting another person take control of your body in some way surely means that you trust them.

Therefore, if another person, that you trust, is taking control of your body then they should know you inside out. They should know how your body reacts to certain stimulus and the signs of when you are under stress. Not only that they should be mindful of your welfare.

So if all the above is the case then why would you need a safe-word or safe-sign?

In my world the above applies. I trust my man with my body and also that he has my best interests at heart. He is very vigilant in respect of my behaviours in general and especially sexually. Also before we play we practically always chat about what will be happening and where we both are hoping it will go. Therefore, we know a little of what to expect from the session before it has begun.

Anal

But that is not a fail-safe. Once, about three years ago he was fucking me in the arse and didn’t read the signs – it had become uncomfortable for me. It’s  so important to do anal right. Injuries can happen and if it stops being enjoyable then why carry on?

We don’t have this type of intercourse very often and I think he simply got carried away. I suppose it is a good job it was just anal sex as I have a lot of past experience with it and knew how to relax. I can’t remember what I did or said but he suddenly realised things were no longer right, and stopped. He was extremely apologetic and we spoke about it after. Trying to work out what happened. We both learned a lesson that day and he is now more careful to check with me along the way if he’s at all unsure how I am feeling. But we still didn’t decide to assign a safe word/sign.

No Safe Word

So why not? Maybe one of the reasons is if I use a safe-word I’m effectively saying NO to him. And even though this has been known  to happen  I’d rather not where sex is concerned.

Another reason is our sex play is never really that extreme. We get off on a bit of bondage. Where I’m tied, bound and fucked. Spanking and slapping are often on the menu. As in belting, whipping and the addition of a blindfold. We have tried and enjoyed wax play, and as mentioned above – anal penetration. Sex toys have also made an appearance

So I really see my self as quite lightweight in the BDSM world. I am even naive to a lot of terms. I often have to ask my Twitter friends what something means.

But my man and I enjoy what we do.

I mean why would I need a safe word if I am on my knees under a desk sucking his cock while he is watching porn at the said desk?

Or if we are outdoors taking sexy photos and then after his cock is  hard so we fuck while I hold on to the wooden gate or he ties me to the gate and then face fucks me?

Having read many of your posts by now I think that perhaps the coloured lights system as explained by Steeled Snake may work for us. There have been times when I just wanted to say – “yep, nearly as far as i want to go,” and apparently I could quickly impart this knowledge with the word yellow or amber. I like that idea.

At the end of the day we are simple folk. Into simple pleasures. 😉

And in case you are wondering I get my fair share of being licked or wanked. I just have to ask.

But I do understand many people are involved in far more serious BDSM acts and sometimes have more than one playmate. In either of those cases I can see the need to use a word or sign.

Being Good

As to words that make me feel safe or happy sexually. Good Girl works for me but so does Dirty Bitch… And words that show I am appreciated. We are not great for “I love yous” – so that always packs a happy punch when I hear it.

PS. Do you think that in time everything you do yourself just appears normal?


Updated for Tell Me About Safety…

16 thoughts on “Safe and Bound”

  1. I understand what you are saying here May and fir the same reasons HL and I rarely have to use a safeword during play. I do think it depends though and we have one there if needed. I think if you engage in play where your boundaries are being pushed and your auto response is to say know even though in reality you want to keep going then a safeword can be a good way to indicate things need to stop. It is always an interesting g question though. Missy x

  2. I love your links back from current posts to older. Got here from your beautiful sepia post. And the barn bondage. Kitten and I started our kink with the traffic lights. But as you point out what was once outside the norm is now our nearly weekly occurrence.

    Orange is our key to go no harder/further/but don’t stop the good. But we are becoming more aligned daily as we meditate together and stumble into kore tantric practices. There is power in my control of myself and in the granting of abundant peaks for my Kitten. Bliss.

    You all reinforce that love is love, love is boundless, and shared love only grows. I am so glad you all post and share your lives.
    Thank you.

  3. Yes, I agree. I /we are not what I think of as “hardcore” BDSM (true what you say about our own sexual proclivities becoming “normal”!), and although we have a “loose” agreement to use the traffic light system, it’s never come up. And he can tell pretty quickly if I’m not feeling it anyway. I do think that if I were engaging in kinky play with a partner I didn’t know as well, or if we progressed into other more advanced BDSM, I would want to have a safeword agreed beforehand.
    Really enjoyed this post, I could really relate. ?

  4. Really good post! I’m glad that you return at the end to the words that make you feel safe — good girl is the one that works best for me. Even in a scene that is more intense, checking in, and hearing the ‘good girl’, feels like a reward. It wants me to hear it over and over again.

  5. This makes perfect sense May. As I said in another response, despite my very pro stance on safewords, I actually don’t see that Bakji and I have much of a need for them, but as we began as strangers they were implemented and so they still exist. But his body language often tells me a greater truth than his stated colour would. There have been times I know 100% he would have said he was green to go for an activity (say needleplay for example) but the way he held himself and the tension in his body told me that actually he was very much not ready for it that day.

    As for everything becoming normal eventually, 100%! I think that why many of us embark on adventures to try more and more things, because the once ‘out there’ things we tried as fledgling kinksters has become so normal we are looking for the next hit of ‘oooh this is kinky/dirty/risky’ – at least that’s how it works for me! :p Fabulous post May x

  6. I’m going to answer the last question. I do believe that as we do things they become normal because they are our normal. Spanking just seems like something everyone does anymore so of course it’s normal, right? Right?! Thanks for sharing, May

  7. I feel between consenting “couples” the need for rules . . . and safewords . . . are not so relevant. But in other situations, (such as mine), agreed words and signs, really are essential.
    Like so many others I use the Traffic Light system because that is the most universal and always the most easily remembered when / if emotions run away with themselves.
    Xxx – K

  8. Thoughtful and thought provoking post May. I’m all for safe words and PRICK as I’ve said on other posts but I’m also all for what works best for you personally and as a couple/partnership, whether that be exclusive/poly relationship or play partners only. We tend to only use safe word colours when it comes to pain play as although C can read my responses very accurately now, ‘yellow’ is still very valuable to us for reasons I’ve explained in my post. I’ve never called ‘red’ but we know it’s there and what it means. Thanks for sharing x

  9. I do kind of understand why you would think a safeword isn’t needed, and the traffic light system is a handy tool. MrH doesn’t often use it now although we did in the beginning, and he would ask “what colour are you?” Regularly. We now use the traffic light system as our Safewords.. yellow tells him I need a minute, or its getting a bit much, and he can check in, red is stop now. I’ve only used it once. I have yellowed a few times when we have been pushing impact a little.

  10. You describe a wonderfully easy comfort that exists between the two of you. Reading and knowing each other’s body language down to the almost invisible cues that means any distress is quickly picked up on. It’s a truly great place to be.

    What can be missed regarding safewords is that a relationship that’s arrived at a place where they’re not needed is not ignoring safety and consent. Indeed, it’s most likely that such a relationship is far more observant of such things, even if it’s primarily at an unconscious level.

    I had to smile at your first sentence in this post as I thought “that might be a first” ??

  11. If you feel like you don’t need safewords, then that’s perfect.
    I know I’m an unreliable sub during play, so for us it’s a good way to monitor my well-being. And my husband knows me well enough that I never have to use ‘red’ to stop all play. For us it’s a small tool we use.

  12. For couples who exclusively play together, most times you know the signs and can easily stop when needed. But having a safe word or system is certainly useful when some communication channels are cut off, gags, blindfolds etc.

    The coloured lights system is excellent and what we have used for some time now, but if verbal is not possible we have a simple double-tap that means stop immediately.

    Haven’t run into a situation where someone is completely bound and incapable of communication yet, guess we’re still too vanilla!

Comments welcome

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.