my sex me then and now

Warning ~ In this post I talk about sexual abuse in quite a matter of fact manner and the effect it has had on my life and relationships. Over the years I have not searched for sympathy but rather how to move forward and away from what happened to me as a child.

This post came into my mind a long time ago when I wrote Time. But at that point I simply wanted to outline that incest/pedophilia is a fungus that operates from the inside.

Now I want to elaborate –

the fungus puts out spores that never quite leave you.

Putting out a post like that is a nerve-racking experience as the article is more for my benefit, a way of processing, than for the reader. So I honestly won’t be offended if you choose not to read it…


Thinking about Threesomes and Things

The other day I saw a twitter thread asking which other sex bloggers would you love to include in a threesome. I have to say it was quite an amusing read and more importantly it got me thinking. I fantasise about threesomes a lot but doubt I will ever participate. Not because I think such things are too kinky for me. Come on, I let a guy piss on me in the park. But rather I’d worry the activity/extra person would simply not do it for me.

Because of my past sexual history many people in my life eventually leave me feeling cold and unresponsive – sexually and often emotionally too.  Frigid – because of their lack of understanding as to the person I am or what I need.

Each time it happened I felt like a failure as a person and a partner – and maybe the sensation of being slightly removed from a lover contributed to me behaving badly at times.

Sexualised as a child

When I was about seven I was sexually abused by the man who adopted me. Could have been younger. Not raped but I was fiddled with and coerced to do the same in return. He told me he loved me.

I recall it as an embarrassing experience. There is no point in saying much more. I wasn’t hurt, it was just all very uncomfortable and wet. Not very childlike. The abuse would happen when the rest of my family were at church. Perhaps that is why to this day I have an odd liking for Jesus. Irrationally I wondered if I’d chosen to go to mass maybe he would have saved me?

I didn’t tell anyone what was going on but my behavior changed radically. Exhibiting regression was one thing – acting like a toddler. Also I retreated into my own head. I am not sure if I have yet come out from that space!

Thankfully my dad left us and I never saw him again. Bigamy actually, and then died

It is good to talk

When I met my man he took the time right at the start to talk to me about the past. He didn’t ignore the fact it had happened to me like some men I have been involved with. Or tell me I would be an abuser because I had been abused. He spoke to me sanely and at length. Not only that we investigated why some kinds of thing work for me while others leave me cold. He gave me time and it actually felt like an eureka moment to me.

This means I trust him with me sexually like I have no other. Being abused as a child leaves several marks that mar your relationships with all kinds of people. And of course awareness is the first step to understanding.

However, you can’t turn back the clocks. I was a sexualised child. I knew it. From then onward, even though I didn’t really know what sex was, I understood it was important. I was sure going to try and take that forward.

Nine

Aged nine I tried with the boy who sat next to me at primary school. Asking him to meet so we could touch each other. He bailed out. Chicken, I thought.

Apparently I attempted a similar thing with several of the boys from the neighborhood too.

Then during that period I met David. My mum was looking after him and his brother over the summer holidays. He was about three years older than me and we formed an intense relationship that to this day I have not forgotten. So young yet we seemed to have a genuine connection. And we began to touch each other. My mum found out and I didn’t see him for a long time. I pined and felt lost.

Uncle Tony (my mums cousin) was a great man. Later I learned he had suffered abuse at the hands of his brother, who was my dad’s friend. He took me under his wing, nurturing. When I stayed at his house for the weekends I thought surely he would want to do something to me. But of course not everyone abuses kids. He enjoyed  my company without needing anything from me. But at night I would lie in my little bed and almost wish he would come in. I loved him with a passion. And once sexualised you can’t erase those thoughts. After all, sex and love go together. Don’t they?

Growing up

I erected an invisible shield as body armour and plundered along into teenage life. Luckily I mixed with a very nice set of kids so didn’t get involved in anything I shouldn’t. Looking back it could all have been very different though.

 I wasn’t particularly impressed when I started having sexual relationships. It seemed as if the lads just wanted to take what they could get and after a short while my body and mind would become cold and not respond. Things worked a little better with Vic as we were best friends so there was so much more than just sex to our relationship and often I’d take the lead. Making me feel like I had more control. I was doing the taking and not the other way round. But what I really wanted was a guy to relieve me of that overriding need to be in control. I wanted to relax, enjoy sex and not be the instigator. But every time I want down this road it eventually felt wrong. Dirty, and not in a good way.

Masturbation would also leave me feeling strange and unclean.

It’s all in the mind

Then I had my kids. What horrors lurk in the mind of a previously sexually abused woman with a child?. Every man is seen as a potential abuser and the constant, overriding need to keep an eye on the child when any guys, even family members, are around is exhausting. One evening I was eaten up inside by concern when a friend let her ten year old daughter wear a short skirt at an adult gathering. Mine had jeans on.

All of this and still trying to be the best mother I could.

I truly believe now is my time to heal and in a way my man has helped me to take back my sex. The sex taken from me as a child. His attitude means I am not so scared to let go and be myself – the person you know as May More.

Whether someone can  fully recover from the repercussions and pain of abuse, I don’t know. Blogging helps me.  Writing about it feels like an Exorcism

I am taking back my sex but that threesome may just have to wait a while  😉

frigid #381
#381 Frigid – Taking back my sex
pain and recovery
#36 Getting through the pain of sexual abuse

27 thoughts on “Taking back my Sex

  1. thanks for sharing ,it’s nice to here someone else’s prospective I have been struggle with abuse for a long time . My wife was abused as a very young child ,for a long time ( years) . She discovered it when she was going after her nursing degree at the age of 36 it’s been 9 years . It’s still a struggle sometimes . It never really goes away . Right now I feel like we have lost the communication we used to have . Trying to get it back . I have read many books on the subject
    to help me understand and be supportive . There is a lot of good info out there
    Thanks again for telling and teaching . Thrive !

    1. Thank you so much for reading and commenting. I do hope you get the connection back. I think the main thing is you need to be yourself.
      Am happy to talk about this any time with you.
      May x

  2. Very honest post May, brave and putting a positive spin on some of most people’s worst nightmares.
    I grow to know more of you with almost everything you share, and I’m always in awe of your strength and resilience.
    Thank you for spilling your guts in this post and helping others either relate or better understand some very tough topics. I can easily see how the abuses you suffered made scars and twists in your ‘take’ on certain topics. Your description of being a parent after abuse touched me in particular – what a challenge that must have been.
    Thank goodness you found someone who listens and explores you past with a view to healing and moving on – once again I admire what a wonderful guy your man is.
    xoxo

  3. Thank you for sharing such a sensitive topic with us May, and trusting us with it. I can imagine it’s not easy by a long stretch to open up about this, especially so matter-of-factly, but it shows the strength you have. I’m happy that you’re moving forward. Keep going, we’ve got you xxx

    1. Violet thank you so much for taking time to read and comment. I have several mentions of incest/child abuse on my blog but this time I really wanted to go into detail about how a persons behaviour can be affected by abuse as they grow older. A difficult topic but I am glad it in out there now xx

  4. I’m so thankful to you for sharing this, May. It’s so important not only for your own catharsis and processing of everything that happened, but to others who suffered abuse to know that they don’t have to hide or feel shame. I’m glad your man is so supportive and trustworthy. ??

  5. Posts like this are so important and feel that so many people can connect with parts of what you write, even if not in the same way. I am sure that it was difficult to wrote something so personal but feel the same as you in that being able to blog about feelings helps to sort them out. Thank you f9r sharing something so personal ?

  6. I’m glad you’re taking back your sex. One bit that stood out for me was this

    “Irrationally I wondered if I’d chosen to go to mass maybe he would have saved me?”

    I just want to say that the Jesus I know doesn’t punish people for not going to church, bad things happen to wonderfully good people. It’s most assuredly nothing personal. I don’t begin to assume to speak for the almighty, but the ordained minister in me wants to just reassure you that yes, that is indeed an irrational thought but very much understandable. <3

    1. I remember a short while ago reading something about Jesus on your blog. I recognise the same Jesus as u describe here. TY so much for this comment Victoria – it has touched me x

  7. Wow. Very personal. I know sometimes the topics for SB4MH can be tough to write about however you knew that’s its for you and not the reader that you are writing for. I really hope that sharing this this helped you. Thanks so much for sharing this with us.

  8. I always say I don’t have a trauma from the things that happened in my childhood, and I do believe I don’t, but I also believe that it has changed the way I view sex, and the fact that for many years I thought sex and love was the same thing, definitely was one of the consequences of childhood abuse. We need to speak up about the thoughts and feelings nestled in our minds because of the abuse, which is why I want to thank you for sharing this post. I am glad you have taken back your sex!

    Rebel xox

    1. Thanks for reading Marie. I read your post some time ago and in a way understood what you meant – as I say here – i was not hurt in any way but yes it changed the way I viewed sex and relationships, and that messed up a lot of things in my life. The sex and love thing has been such a problem for me. I only hinted at it here. I wrote this for me, but if it helps others in any way then I have done a good job xx

  9. I sometimes think that childhood is a series of experiences that cause us to erect barriers and that it takes the rest of our lives to learn how to dismantle them – if we’re lucky.

    Writing this post is one thing and hitting ‘publish’ very nerve wracking. Thank you for writing and being prepared to put it out there. The support of your man is so clear it brought to mind these Cohen lyrics “There is a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in.”

    Take care and keep healing. xx

    1. thank u Melody – I agree about childhood. We ALL bring through experiences that mark us in some way – it is recognising this that matters. And we can tell that my man didn’t edit this “nerve-racking” post 😉 lol xx

  10. Thank you for sharing such a sensitive topic May. I’m sure it was difficult to write but like you said also cathartic. I’m happy you found someone who helps you heal. ❤️

    1. Very cathartic – to have such an outlet as this to express myself is amazing – I am blessed to have this blog – TY for reading J.Lynn x

  11. Many thanks for writing this May. Especially when it comes to that complicated feeling between sex and love. But I love your positive attitude, nothing can stand in your way!

  12. An amazing post May. You write so eloquently about your life and experiences. I’m so grateful to be able to read this. Thank you x x love to you

  13. Thank you for sharing this – the insights into the damage that abuse does are so powerful and help someone like me who was fortunate and never had to go through that understand better – when I started dating 50 years ago it was never mentioned and I look back and wonder if it might explain what happened to some of my friends and partners.
    Mike

  14. This must have been incredibly difficult to write, and get off your chest.
    I applaud your courage in taking such a proactive approach to taking back your sex, and your life. Kudos to your man as well for being who he is.
    Much love to you both.

    1. Thanks Cal – I have touched on it in a few posts but not how it left me cold about many aspects of sex for many years – I am not sure I even put the two together for a long time…

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