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Taking Care to get it right before and after play

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There’s a lot to be said for scheduling sex nights. My man and I call them date nights as the end result does not have to be intercourse. The aim is to enjoy the type of interaction we don’t always have time for – exploring our kinks. But at first we didn’t realise how much care should be taken before and after the sexy action.

We started these evenings at the beginning of our partnership out of a desire to take us to a more intense level. He cooks an excellent meal, plans the setting, indulges me with compliments and wine. Our bond is strengthened. I feel valued and appreciated. These encounters reaffirm why we are together. For him, I submit because in my mind he deserves me to.

But what should you do if a date night goes wrong? It’s quite possible for an intense situation to escalate out of control and to end in tears and emotional confusion, instead of what you had hoped and expected. It happened to us a few years ago.

True Life Tale

The evening began with an agreeable chat, good food and wine. I wore makeup, killer heels, hold-ups, black lace top, gloves, plus some body jewellery. We moved into the living area with our drinks where he’d dotted the room with numerous candles. Ropes hung from the beam and two whips lay on a chair.

The scene was set.

My pulse began to race.

Sitting in the armchair he asked me to stand by the fireplace. Sipped his wine he stared at me as we exchanged carnal banter. I became even more energised, anticipating what was about to happen.

“Take your top off.”

I did.

“Good bitch.”

He led me over to where the ropes hung from the beam and I raised my hands as he tied each wrist, really stretching my body taut. Removing my panties his knee jerked my legs apart. I was standing in a sort of star shape, wearing shoes and hold-ups.

I asked him, in a whisper, to whip me. My breathing quickened.

Taking up the horsewhip he flogged my back several times in quick succession, stopped and looked at me. I knew he was waiting for me to request more. We had discussed likely scenarios the previous day. He said I was to be a good girl and beg for my beatings. Turning my head sideways I looked him in the eyes and courteously invited him to thrash me. Without hesitation, the whip made heavy contact with my arse – repeatedly. The pain was excruciating and my brain took control – zoning out – so the intensity was masked.

Suddenly he was in front of me, gently kissing and telling me I was a good girl. I felt electric and full of desire. Untying my wrists he pulled me to the floor, spread my legs and slowly licked my cunt. My senses were too magnified to reach orgasm. Undoing his fly he briefly thrust his cock into my mouth. But instead of face fucking me he stopped, refilled our glasses and sat down. I kneeled in front of him with my drink. He told me how the body jewellery made me appear even more exposed and invited me to sit with him.

On my part, I should have interpreted his change of temperament and realised we needed to unwind cuddling on the sofa. However, we’d discussed possible activities to incorporate and I wanted more.

He had other ideas:

Stop.

Talk.

Contemplate.

Still elevated I could not respond in a thoughtful manner. As far as I was concerned this was the wrong moment to bring sombre concerns into play. I behaved badly.

“Ah, what now?” I exploded.

I didn’t consider that for him to raise an issue at this time was a measure of its importance. Instead, it seemed I’d been discarded and let down.

I wasn’t behaving in a caring, supportive manner. At that moment I was still his dirty slut who in frustration could only think of wanting more from the date night. I don’t take drugs but I think the experience may be likened to coming down from an extreme high at a fast speed.

After tears, confusion and emotional justifications, we finally saw each other’s point of view. As a couple, we generally communicate well, which is vital in a relationship like ours. Thankfully we ended the mentally and physically exhausting evening in bed, our bodies entwined.

Reflecting on the Evening

Reflecting on the events, we were both to blame. There needed to be more before and after care in play.

My man should have recognised earlier he had things on his mind that may affect our play. And I should have thought before voicing my disappointment.

So once more it comes down to communication and remembering that both of you need to care about the other during highly charged interaction.

The following day we discussed what had happened. He’d suspected he may not have been in the right head space to go through with a date night but hadn’t wanted to disappoint me. Of course, by not telling me earlier, that is exactly what happened. But I should have been less volatile and perhaps taken a few moments to calm down. He was there with his arms out and wanting to give me the care I needed, but I was not ready for the fun to be over.

Fail-safes

Moving on from that night we put into place a few fail-safes to try and make sure it doesn’t happen again.

Here’s what we decided:

  • Not to discuss what may happen on a date night. I dress appropriately and he sets the scene. After all, I am submitting to him so this works. The problem arose as I was expecting more.

  • During the day of the date night we check in to make sure all is good and both of us are mentally and physically happy to go ahead with the evening’s entertainment. If not it’s postponed and another date is set. Instead, we have dinner and maybe watch a movie together.

  • We do not air serious issues in conversation during a date night. But rather wait for a more appropriate time.

Most importantly for us, we know that date night does not necessarily end with any kind of intercourse. After all, there is so much other kinky pleasure to be had.

Before and After Care
Play and Care #445

18 thoughts on “Taking Care to get it right before and after play”

  1. Sometimes the best plans have the worst outcomes. The road to hell being paved with good intentions and all that. I prefer to let things come as they do, but you know, life and all that, often gets it’s due 🙁

  2. Greetings! Very useful advice in this particular article! It is the little changes that produce the greatest changes. Thanks for sharing! Nola Cross

  3. Wonderful post May … and nodding along in agreement with so many of your words.
    We also “date nights” (hotel nights away from the family home) … though sadly it’s not been possible to arrange as often as we used to.
    But yes, have been in similar situations where, perhaps from trying too hard, or over-planning, things haven’t gone as well as one or the other had hoped. But usually waking up the next morning tends to put the disappointments right.
    Xxx – K

  4. Thanks for sharing this May – it’s a very helpful post. Reading it, I was reminded of some disappointments we have had, and discussions we should have had afterwards, but instead one or other of us was left feeling hurt or confused until the next day when we did talk things through.

  5. I loved this and what you say is so true. Being in the headspace before a scene is as imortant as aftercare. But we have all been there, scenes that didn’t work for whatever reason, feelings of hurt and rejection and so on. And this is where communication is so important. BUt I think you are right that good scenes cannot work from scripts, and the sub has to place themself in the hands of the dom/me and go with the flow. Which in turn requires the dom/me to think on their feet, be flexible, and be attentive to the submissive and their reactions. These things are not easy and all of us are constantly learning in the context of r own D/S relationships x

  6. It’s good that you share your experience. Reading the posts, everyone finds something new for themselves or confirmation of their thoughts. Thanks for sharing.

  7. This was so fascinating to read May. More than anything your open communication and your both wanting to heal the damage and move on was really important.

    When we recognize that our intimate time together is important and schedule time for it, of course we want to give it our best, and the planning and expectations were natural. But with that I guess the potential for things not to go according to plan arises.

    I remember sometimes Simon was sometimes a lot rougher with me than I was expecting (he could be very sweet, charming and affectionate, but other times he could throw me around the bedroom and totally use me) and I quickly had to adapt to the way he was. I adored Simon, and I wanted to let him…I wanted to cooperate with him, even when I was a littlie frightened. I trusted him, I was just intimidated by anything that seemed like aggression. But a couple of times he stopped himself. I think he realized there was something wrong with his head space. At the time, I thought there was something wrong with me, and I felt bad after his sudden halt. But later I understood that was not the case at all. In fact Simon told me that never had I ever done anything to make him angry. I was sweet as spring flowers always, I cooked, I cleaned, I gardened, I decorated, I shopped, I baked, I ironed and I just wanted to give always to him. But sometimes he would be wound up by something going on at work, or stressed, or annoyed by something I was unaware of. When he brought that anger into the bedroom, it was sometimes bewildering to me to know what was going on. But I loved him. I wanted to be perfect for him. I was probably too young and inexperienced in some ways – at the time all I felt was love so I did not question what was happening and we did not communicate at a deep enough level about sex.

    The first year Ben and I were together, we were socializing a lot with friends. We would often be out late in London Friday, Saturday and Sunday evenings before driving home. So when we did get back home, we were shattered. So we also decided that we needed to schedule time together properly. That was how our dress-up roleplay games began. There was a little planning ahead, because we would agree a theme and prepare for it by picking what to wear etc and any toys/props that might be fun in our playtime. But on the night they were mostly spontaneous. Over time we have both become more creative and enthusiastic with our roleplay games.

    Ben and I can and do communicate about sex and we understand each other’s emotional make-up. I think I learnt a lot from my relationship with Simon that has helped me. I still adore Simon, but I am in a happier healthier relationship with Ben, and sex is great.

  8. I can see where something can go totally wrong when you discuss beforehand, set expectations and then it doesn’t happen. I think I might’ve reacted the same way you did, and it’s good you have put fail-safes in place. Thanks for sharing your experience, May, as it’s always good to read examples and learn from them 🙂
    ~ Marie xox

  9. If you always got it “right”, then you wouldn’t be normal. Good post though showing how you corrected a situation. In the vanilla world that might have festered and become worse over time. Many vanilla couples don’t communicate well.

  10. Real-life examples like this are so helpful, I think. So often, the way “scenes” are written just does.not.compute when compared to real, personal experience.

    Having clear expectations is important. I’ve had mismatches with mood and with what we each individually thought was going to happen on “date” so I can relate.

    1. So true which is why i put pen to paper with this one – best intentions can go awry – and even thou this happened and we talked and set down some guidelines – we still dont always get it right. x

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