the road not taken

As I start this post I still do not really know exactly what I’m going to write for the F4T prompt The Road Not Taken.

The background

When I decided to use this prompt for the meme I knew it would be a challenging theme. I’d just read this post by Swirly and could really relate to the moment when she felt the road that she was about to embark on would not, lets say, lead to heaven!

It got me thinking. Sliding Doors and that kind of stuff. Are there many parallel mes who opened the other door? Chose the other path? Sometimes I can feel their existence.

But which junction to write about? There have been a few. But one kept coming back as the moment my life changed – one of two moments when I went ahead almost knowing that I was about to embark along a distinctly different route that would change my life and all those around me forever.

But how to know what that “other me” would be doing now?

Well luckily for my blog post I have had a really shit time recently and “the me that could have been” was thrown up in my face, along with a lot of rubbish that has led the real me to feel like a pretty worthless human who perhaps should have paid more attention back at the cross roads of her life.

But I a waffling. For sure. And it is not even that I think I made the wrong decision. But what my choice did was alter many other peoples lives.

Relationship Decisions

I’m a woman. Most men have seemed to think I am difficult to please, but that’s not true. I need two things – to be loved and to be appreciated.

I really thought that Seb, who eventually fathered my children, did both. Until this happened. But I still loved him so even after meeting Mr More the first time around I still chose to get back with Seb. Quickly I became pregnant and we went on to become a family and have another child – Mona.

But then our relationship just morphed into a friendship where I didn’t feel loved or appreciated. The sex died and anything I said was ignored or misinterpreted.

So, I found another – Mr A

We met online before meeting online was a done thing. Lived hundreds of miles apart. But then one day decided to meet. I had strong feelings for him already. Anyone who has been involved with someone online over 10 years ago will appreciate the intensity of the interaction and will understand every little thing becomes magnified until suddenly it is only you two who exist. Both truly believe it must be fate to have found each other across the 0 and 1’s

Before we stood face to face Mr A already said that he loved me.

But the moment I saw him across the garage forecourt my gut screamed out – NO.

I ignored it. He held me and my destiny moved us forward.

Families were broken.

Lives turned upside down.

Attempting to leave the devastation behind us Mr A and I tried to make it work but at the end of the day our relationship failed. However, he was a great father figure to my kids while their own dad screwed me out of thousands and thousands of pounds. Money that I can never get back. He was certainly good at that type of fucking.

The Road Not Taken

What if on that day in the garage forecourt I had listened to my gut?

Now and then I have wondered, but never more so than the other day when Mona had her 21st birthday. My man and I celebrated with her but then she went back to her dad’s where a dinner party was held in the 5 bed room house that I found for our family many years ago.  Back then I actually sold my own property so we had enough for a down payment.

It seemed everyone was at the party including Mr A and my old neighbourhood best friend. My brother – who never bothered to help me in my financial or legal fight and has not bothered to speak to me for years – also attended. Wonderful for my daughter but in my eyes they are all Judases

Years ago they wanted nothing to do with Seb because they could see he was a mean psychopath who could not settle until he took my money and broke my heart.

STOP… all this embittered talk will get me no where. He has a partner, who moved in two weeks after I moved out, and was the hostess for Mona’s party.  This women has actually heavily contributed to my daughter’s mental health issues so for the purpose of the remainder of this post we will eradicate her and go back to that moment when I saw Mr A across the forecourt. Like I said earlier – what if I had listened to my gut?

Rewind – The other me…

My gut says no…

I get into my car and drive away. After all the man is a stranger – I’ve only chatted to him online – our relationship is not real.

Thinking about my kids I remember their welfare is paramount and what does it matter if I don’t have a sexual relationship with their father? I get plenty of offers from guys I meet. Maybe I can fit in an affair?

And indeed, in my parallel universe,  that is what the other me does. A nice guy from the gym. He doesn’t want to be found out either so we have a short, yet passionate affair. Hurting no one.

Or even better, Seb can see that it is cruel for me to be denied intimacy and agrees I can play with others. This helps me carry on and the years pass by.

I am not duped out of all my money and my kids grow up in a secure environment. My youngest does not develop the problems she has now because of  Seb and the step mother’s manipulation – and my eldest doesn’t suffer in  a car accident.

The day of the birthday dinner arrives and I welcome the guests and we pose for photos. As Seb puts his arm around my shoulders, and we smile, I feel nothing. But is that not a small price to pay for security?

That is my other me story…

Would I be different. Better. Less stressed? Perhaps I’d be less weary from working so hard and having little money? Would my kids be more sane and secure?

Questions no one can answer… But one thing I do recognise is –

the choices I made are my responsibility.

And after all, some people only ever live one life. Already I have lived many.

***



If you like my legs and want to hear my reflection on this post (a few days after) then take a look


The Road Not Taken For F4Thought & Wicked Wednesday

F4Thought Road not taken

 

road not taken
#386 Road Not Taken – Relationship
sb4mh
The Road Not Taken #41

34 thoughts on “The Road Not Taken

  1. i feel so much of this as well. I too look back sometimes at the father of my daughter. While we are friends and manage a decent relationship now, he has announced he is getting married. It will be the first time in 20 years another woman has lived in the house I found and funished. I don’t regret leaving him because I wouldn’t be who I am now, but I do wonder what the “other me” would look like. She would also, I am sure, be numb and not in a happy marraige but her daughter would be in a family where there aren’t so many branches. She tells me she is glad I left because neither of us would be happy and I hold on to that. Regret is a tough one and I have a lot of it but also feel I have to remember I wouldn’t be me.

    1. TY for this comment – and I can see that you do understand how I got to write this post. Your last sentence resonates with me so much

  2. Just catching up with my reading May. Some lovely comments here already.
    on your heart wrenching post. So much food for thought. Like Floss I’ll give you a heartfelt hug for the time being. xx

  3. So much to unpack here May, despite being familiar with many elements you refer to, as I visit your blog regularly and we chat.
    Looking back is often a way to torture ourselves! We deal with the ‘cards’ we have to hand at the time, (particularly with parenting) and who knows, you may have dodged other, worse outcomes, by choosing the path you did.
    Hugs galore to assist you toughing out the shit you’re dealing with at the moment – and big dollops of strength for your daughter too. Kudos for writing this post.

  4. I didn’t write for this prompt because to me honest it is all a bit raw right now but like you I could have made a very similar decision all those years ago when I left my 1st husband but I have never regretted that decision once. Leaving was the best move I made

    Mollyx

    1. I am very much with you on the not regretting leaving. Like I say here – in the story where I didn’t leave – I feel nothing -because I think that is how I would have turned out if I stayed, soulless.it was just my daughter having her 21st , got me thinking. Writing is cathartic, and as soon as I had got it off my chest I felt better x

  5. This was a really thought-provoking. Who knows where exactly the road not taken would lead, and I found the way that you discuss the other possible outcome of the Mr A meeting really intriguing.

  6. I did the online thing back then too. Ended up meeting in real life and stayed together for about a year. It is so easy to get caught up in it all. We are actually still friends though.

    This must of been a hard post to write. I’m not up to the task. Too many roads not taken to choose from. All of which could be potentially gut wrenching to write about.

  7. Damn girl this is some good reading 🙂
    I totally enjoyed reading it and could relate to some of the stuff you spoke about. Especially the ex, the kids ..ugh. I loved how you included the “other” story, a happily ever after 🙂

  8. Thank you for sharing another really personal part of your life, past and present. That past decisions keep coming to the fore through our children is painful and brings you up short. I know that has happened to me too. But the choices we make are always for a reason and then we have to make the most of them.

    1. Thanks for reading Julie – I do agree that there is usually a reason behind all that happens and I am also a firm believer in Karma xx

  9. “Some people only ever live one life. Already I have lived many.” . . . amazing post May. Moving and really, really inspirational in so many ways,
    Reading your words . . . and also so many others from the “Relationships” and “Road Not Taken” themes . . . makes one realise that there are so many others who have had to make far more difficult choices on their journeys . . . and have come out stronger and better people, for themselves and for those around them.
    You truly are amazing !!!
    Xxx – K

    1. I so love you picked that particular quote from my post Modesty. Because even though I have written about “nasty” life things I ended with – “Some people only ever live one life. Already I have lived many.” – as that is the message I want to convey – and it is OK to do that xx

  10. I found this really moving May, and it made me think of my own mum and the impacts experienced from both not doing things, and doing them. I always think though that people generally do the best they can with what they have at the time and you can never predict the outcomes and potential fallouts. Too much is out of our control and we can only really control our own actions and responses, little else. As missy said, living an unhappy and unfulfilled life would have had its whole entire own set of fallouts and ripples and I don’t think it would be as simple as you think it may have been in your narrative. Be kind to you, you certainly deserve it xx

  11. I admire your honesty and reflection. Like you I have made choices about roads taken which have affected other people. Some of that was for me but also some of it was what I hoped would be better for them. A better me makes for a better mum but now that I look back there are things that I didn’t anticipate.

    I don’t think you can underestimate the significance of living a life where you are unhappy either and the impact of that can also have an unknown effect on others. I sometimes feel like it was a no win. The initial decision was made and the cards began to fall accordingly. I prefer not to over think it and, as you point out, we have lived many lives as a result.

    Sending hugs and hope that you don’t beat yourself up over what was the right decision at the time and just one of many, some of which were completely behind your control.

    missy x

    1. Ah, I am nothing if not honest Missy 😉 In general I don’t dwell on all of that but because of the birthday and feeling a bit low it just got in my head more than normal x

  12. This made me think of who I would have been had I not made some choices in my life, had I taken a different road. This post must’ve been difficult to write, May, as it’s a difficult one to read. The things you have gone through, the price you had to pay… some of it seems so unfair. Like you said, the choices you made are your responsibility, but sometimes it seems life lets you pay too high a price for that.

    Rebel xox

  13. Its lovely to be considered a good inspirational catalyst for writing instead of peer groups mocking/blocking/bullying/ridicule etc

  14. Echoing what the others have said, this wasn’t an easy post to read. For what it’s worth, you can’t blame yourself for what others have done. Even if you had changed your mind certain events may have happened anyway. We can only deal head on with what’s in front of us. I wish you healing and peace xxx

    1. Violet, Thank you for your words and I do agree we have to deal with the hand we are dealt and thankfully sometimes my cards have been “tops” x

  15. That moment on the forecourt sure was a sliding door experience for you. Like the other responses, your post has touched me too. Similar to Floss I’ve attempted several different replies. As a parent too , I empathise with how looking back how our choices have shaped our children can be painful. I wish you strength and peace for your journey ahead.

    1. Thank u Mr S – I do start each day with the knowledge it is indeed a new start and am thankful for so many things in my life – including my gorgeous daughters and my health 😉

  16. I’ve written three comments and deleted them, your post touched me in a way I’m not sure I can explain, I read it as a daughter I think and it makes me want to give you a big hug. I think perhaps this is the most succinct and appropriate response I have at this time should I manage to formulate the rest of my thoughts into something more coherent I shall return xxx

  17. Tough to read, but very well told.

    Swirly’s post that you link to is also tough to read and the editing process wasn’t easy. Between these two posts it gives me a bit of an idea as to what you saw in her post that resonated.

    There’s a lot to unpack here and opportunity for recriminations and then you wrote that last bit “the choices I made are my responsibility” – good for you – I smiled.

    I do hope you get out of the deep trough of crap quickly and get to where you want to be.

    melody ??

    1. I am happy to say my daughter seems to have improved this last week – she is sitting next to me as I write this reply 😉
      Now just need to win the lottery lol
      Thanks for commenting Melody – I almost shut comments off on this one but thought of you and how I would miss your words on my post x

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