As I start this post I still do not really know exactly what I’m going to write for the F4T prompt The Road Not Taken.
When I decided to use this prompt for the meme I knew it would be a challenging theme. I’d just read this post by Swirly and could really relate to the moment when she felt the road that she was about to embark on would not, lets say, lead to heaven!
It got me thinking. Sliding Doors and that kind of stuff. Are there many parallel mes who opened the other door? Chose the other path? Sometimes I can feel their existence.
But which junction to write about? There have been a few. But one kept coming back as the moment my life changed – one of two moments when I went ahead almost knowing that I was about to embark along a distinctly different route that would change my life and all those around me forever.
But how to know what that “other me” would be doing now?
Well luckily for my blog post I have had a really shit time recently and “the me that could have been” was thrown up in my face, along with a lot of rubbish that has led the real me to feel like a pretty worthless human who perhaps should have paid more attention back at the cross roads of her life.
But I a waffling. For sure. And it is not even that I think I made the wrong decision. But what my choice did was alter many other peoples lives.
I’m a woman. Most men have seemed to think I am difficult to please, but that’s not true. I need two things – to be loved and to be appreciated.
I really thought that Seb, who eventually fathered my children, did both. Until this happened. But I still loved him so even after meeting Mr More the first time around I still chose to get back with Seb. Quickly I became pregnant and we went on to become a family and have another child – Mona.
But then our relationship just morphed into a friendship where I didn’t feel loved or appreciated. The sex died and anything I said was ignored or misinterpreted.
So, I found another – Mr A
We met online before meeting online was a done thing. Lived hundreds of miles apart. But then one day decided to meet. I had strong feelings for him already. Anyone who has been involved with someone online over 10 years ago will appreciate the intensity of the interaction and will understand every little thing becomes magnified until suddenly it is only you two who exist. Both truly believe it must be fate to have found each other across the 0 and 1’s
Before we stood face to face Mr A already said that he loved me.
But the moment I saw him across the garage forecourt my gut screamed out – NO.
I ignored it. He held me and my destiny moved us forward.
Families were broken.
Lives turned upside down.
Attempting to leave the devastation behind us Mr A and I tried to make it work but at the end of the day our relationship failed. However, he was a great father figure to my kids while their own dad screwed me out of thousands and thousands of pounds. Money that I can never get back. He was certainly good at that type of fucking.
The Road Not Taken
What if on that day in the garage forecourt I had listened to my gut?
Now and then I have wondered, but never more so than the other day when Mona had her 21st birthday. My man and I celebrated with her but then she went back to her dad’s where a dinner party was held in the 5 bed room house that I found for our family many years ago. Back then I actually sold my own property so we had enough for a down payment.
It seemed everyone was at the party including Mr A and my old neighbourhood best friend. My brother – who never bothered to help me in my financial or legal fight and has not bothered to speak to me for years – also attended. Wonderful for my daughter but in my eyes they are all Judases
Years ago they wanted nothing to do with Seb because they could see he was a mean psychopath who could not settle until he took my money and broke my heart.
STOP… all this embittered talk will get me no where. He has a partner, who moved in two weeks after I moved out, and was the hostess for Mona’s party. This women has actually heavily contributed to my daughter’s mental health issues so for the purpose of the remainder of this post we will eradicate her and go back to that moment when I saw Mr A across the forecourt. Like I said earlier – what if I had listened to my gut?
Rewind – The other me…
My gut says no…
I get into my car and drive away. After all the man is a stranger – I’ve only chatted to him online – our relationship is not real.
Thinking about my kids I remember their welfare is paramount and what does it matter if I don’t have a sexual relationship with their father? I get plenty of offers from guys I meet. Maybe I can fit in an affair?
And indeed, in my parallel universe, that is what the other me does. A nice guy from the gym. He doesn’t want to be found out either so we have a short, yet passionate affair. Hurting no one.
Or even better, Seb can see that it is cruel for me to be denied intimacy and agrees I can play with others. This helps me carry on and the years pass by.
I am not duped out of all my money and my kids grow up in a secure environment. My youngest does not develop the problems she has now because of Seb and the step mother’s manipulation – and my eldest doesn’t suffer in a car accident.
The day of the birthday dinner arrives and I welcome the guests and we pose for photos. As Seb puts his arm around my shoulders, and we smile, I feel nothing. But is that not a small price to pay for security?
That is my other me story…
Would I be different. Better. Less stressed? Perhaps I’d be less weary from working so hard and having little money? Would my kids be more sane and secure?
Questions no one can answer… But one thing I do recognise is –
the choices I made are my responsibility.
And after all, some people only ever live one life. Already I have lived many.
If you like my legs and want to hear my reflection on this post (a few days after) then take a look…
The Road Not Taken For F4Thought & Wicked Wednesday