The biggest struggle I face with my mental health is trust.
Mental Health Monday #1
Trust Issues can grow with us
At primary school, I had a best friend who I loved dearly. We became inseparable and quite isolated. She was shy and because my home life was not what a child should tolerate, I threw everything into my relationship with her. She reciprocated. We would pass notes under the table saying I love you, except that is not what it read. We had developed out own coded text so others would not be able to understand what we were saying to each other.
So, for me life at school was bliss. I had Clare. This continued for a few years then I think the nuns noticed that perhaps our friendship was a little unhealthy, stifling. They separated us. Except it was me that suffered. At ten years old I was taken out of the class of children I had been with since I was five, and put in on with older children who I didn’t know.
In my head, my world broke down. Now my school life had become compromised too. I wept. Then I hardened up. Since then I really do not think I have totally trusted anyone. Clare and I went to different secondary schools and we drifted apart.
I never chose to have a best friend again, and still don’t. Indeed I can be a bit of a loner. I prefer many good mates to one special friend.
The father of my children told me that he felt I actively tried on a regular basis to sabotage our relationship. Creating arguments etc. I recognised this was true. I simply got scared when things seemed to be going well. Thinking it could not last. He certainly didn’t help my trust issues when he went off and had an affair.
My Man and Me and Trust.
My man had a bit of a, shall we say, colourful past in all aspects of his life. Over our time together I know I have done damage to our relationship by indicating that I do not trust him entirely. I am getting better. He says to me I should see by the things that he does for me that he is worthy of my trust. So I keep my eyes open and recite this when I get a little shaky. I trust him to shave my cunt and whip me – but these are physical things, it is the mental stuff I find harder.
I also think I have an issue with the fact that I, myself, have not always been a trustworthy person. Why would others want to be true to me when I have not always behaved in an upstanding manner?
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