Trust has always been an Issue for me

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The biggest struggle I face with my mental health is trust.

Mental Health Monday #1

Trusting has always been an issue for me. I am not sure if it dates back to shit that happened when I was a child or whether it is just part of who I am.

Trust Issues can grow with us

At primary school, I had a best friend who I loved dearly. We became inseparable and quite isolated. She was shy and because my home life was not what a child should tolerate, I threw everything into my relationship with her. She reciprocated. We would pass notes under the table saying I love you, except that is not what it read. We had developed out own coded text so others would not be able to understand what we were saying to each other.

So, for me life at school was bliss. I had Clare. This continued for a few years then I think the nuns noticed that perhaps our friendship was a little unhealthy, stifling. They separated us. Except it was me that suffered. At ten years old I was taken out of the class of children I had been with since I was five, and put in on with older children who I didn’t know.

In my head, my world broke down. Now my school life had become compromised too. I wept. Then I hardened up. Since then I really do not think I have totally trusted anyone. Clare and I went to different secondary schools and we drifted apart.

Stopped Trusting

I never chose to have a best friend again, and still don’t. Indeed I can be a bit of a loner. I prefer many good mates to one special friend.

The father of my children told me that he felt I actively tried on a regular basis to sabotage our relationship. Creating arguments etc. I recognised this was true.  I simply got scared when things seemed to be going well. Thinking it could not last.  He certainly didn’t help my trust issues when he went off and had an affair.

My Man and Me and Trust.

My man had a bit of a, shall we say, colourful past in all aspects of his life. Over our time together I know I have done damage to our relationship by indicating that I do not trust him entirely. I am getting better. He says to me I should see by the things that he does for me that he is worthy of my trust. So I keep my eyes open and recite this when I get a little shaky. I trust him to shave my cunt and whip me – but these are physical things, it is the mental stuff I find harder.

I also think I have an issue with the fact that I, myself, have not always been a trustworthy person. Why would others want to be true to me when I have not always behaved in an upstanding manner?


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#1 Trust Issues

12 thoughts on “Trust has always been an Issue for me

  1. It’s weird how something in our young lives can have such a profound effect on our future selves. For some of us at least. Some kids just let everything fly right by them and carry on obvious. I prefer the former, I was old from a very young age.

  2. This was very refreshing. It reminded me of a time when I had severe trust issues and sabotaged many relationships. It wasn’t until recently with my husband I’ve been able to let go and trust.

  3. I found this really moving May, and it helped me think more about my own trust issues and the places they stem, including trusting my own feelings, thoughts and beliefs about the world and others. My very best friend at school betrayed me and whilst it was only one breach of trust amongst many, it was profound. Thank you for sharing and I’m glad you are learning how to trust more now. It’s not easy. X

  4. You’re fast!
    I think trust is a huge struggle for most, I am included in that. It’s a relaxing & secure feeling knowing that you have that ONE person that you trust above & beyond everyone else. Never having to feel afraid, taken advantage of and safe & secure with your man. You’re lucky (blessed) to have him.
    Thanks for this May!

    1. Well i am not quite there with him yet – but am trying – and I don’t need to trust anyone else as I am a bit of a loner TBH x

  5. Fascinating.

    I was ripped out of the circle of friends I took for granted when at the age of 8 we moved 200 miles away. You describe it well, my world broke down. I had no trust throughout my subsequent school years. There were class mates, aquaintances, but no friends.

    To realise that isolation and how you became stoical in handling it is terrible because you see how detrimental an effect it had on later life.

    I can see so much of what you say and tick it off in a mental box.

    I’m really happy that you’ve reached a point where you know you have to try to trust. Often the physical is easier to cope with and there can be a terror of trusting in the mental side.

    I hope that trust gets easier and stronger.

    melody xx

    1. Melody – we have so much in common – I am trying every day to trust him – I have blips now and then for sure, but try and get back on track x

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