virgin at 41

Virgin at 41 – can YOU imagine what it must feel like?


True Story

I am always very flattered when I receive mail after someone has read one of my posts. A few weeks ago Rob wrote very candidly to me about his past. With his consent I am now sharing his message with all of you.

Does sex matter? Reckon it does.

I am Rob, a 41-year-old guy and a VIRGIN – yes that’s right still a virgin at 41. There I said it took a little bit, (took some cajones though and mine are like beach balls at the moment).

It’s incredibly frustrating, lonely, crushing – the adjectives are truly endless. I have never been kissed or, touched. Certainly not shagged, how the fuck can you work with that?

This site drew me like a beacon, not because of what you do or are into, more about the CONTEXT, frank discussion without fear of embarrassment.

Imagine having your sexual desires, needs repressed, not explored for 25 + years?

Being a virgin at 41 is fucking painful indeed.

How and why I got to this point in my life is not totally clear but here’s my story.

I was bullied by girls at primary school daily. Lots of merciless taunting, about my size (apparently I was small at that time). If that wasn’t bad enough I was also victimised by a teacher. She was a real nasty piece of work…

On the flipside I did have friends. Within the group I was happy enough. Home was ok too, decent enough early childhood, didn’t want for anything. However, I was a bit of dreamer which made me slightly detached. This type of behaviour caused me problems at secondary school. I remember I was sitting in a particularly boring lesson, daydreaming, staring vacantly into space- a space that just happened to be occupied by a girl who thought I was staring at HER. I wasn’t she just happened to be in the way. It unsettled her, and her mates started bullying me on the back of it, culminating in me getting shoved to the ground and consequently breaking my arm.

At this time there was also another group of girls, the flirtatious types who were just discovering their sexuality. I recall we were on a ferry trip to France, one of them, one of the hotter ones grabbed me and attached her face to mine and said fuck me. I froze, shrunk away and any opportunity  that may have arisen with this girl disappeared because of my lack of action. Disparagingly she told me to fuck the post that we leaning against. This, inevitably lead to sexual teasing from her and her clan for the rest of my time at school.

Don’t get me wrong, as I said, I did have mates, some female. We were actually considered a pretty cool gang playing football and hanging out after school. We went out shoplifting to order – for pretty much the whole school, selling them the products. (I was quite the entrepreneur).

Then I discovered phone sex! (14/15 years old) – you know the old 0898 numbers. Not chatting,  just listening, and getting off. As you could imagine it was racking up some bills but I was hiding them from my parents until they got the final red letters months later. To say this caused a problem is an understatement. Much embarrassment for me and huge bills for my parents it was not insurmountable, but lasted a year or so.

Started work as a teenager and was sociable enough. I discovered drinking. My mates and I would be out on the piss, nightclubs and all that. I would be the wallflower generally, until the alcohol kicked in. At this point I would try my luck with a girl, get rejected, then get all soppy and emotional, feeling sorry for myself.

I was not having ANY luck with the ladies. In hindsight alcohol and my emotional state totally scuppered any chances.

This pattern continued for the next 10 years until unfortunately I fell in love with my best friends ex-girfriend. We really got on as mates but the love was not reciprocated. I felt desolate and made an attempt at suicide. I attempted to regroup by relocating to the Isles of Scilly for work but island life spat me out and I found myself homeless on the streets of Penzance.

After such disastrous experiences I just switched it all off – any thoughts regarding getting sex, love, or affection disbanded and I simply bummed about in Cornwall feeling lonely and empty. This continued for a good six years. I became resigned to my situation, but I also became comfortable with it. It was safer. I became almost stoic about being a virgin.

However, after all that time I am finally beginning to explore sex , truthfully, within myself. I am a virgin at 41 so obviously I don’t know my sexual identity, therefore I can’t really know ME. I think I know what I am NOT – Gay, transsexual, or transgender, might be bisexual – although the thought of cock does not appeal to me. It appears I am Heterosexual, a deeply unhappy and frustrated heterosexual. I dream of having a loving committed, monogamous relationship with good/great sex, within those confines.

Yes, I masturbate, have done at least once a day for 25+ years, but it’s become more of a bodily function – like going to the loo or blowing your nose. I watch porn, lesbian, and female masturbation generally, nothing too extreme.

A few months ago I changed my lifestyle/domestic situation/ job and I felt maybe it was time to dip my toe into the water. Consequently, I joined a dating site, put a profile up that was probably knowingly underselling myself, and lo and behold not much happened, but I was comfortable with that, was safer again.

I began to feel braver so added a little update with my changes – but not letting on I  was a virgin at 41 years old!  The messages started trickling in very slowly, but it encouraged me to pay up so I could read them and start exploring.

I got chatting to an amazing woman, she opened me up like no-one else has ever done. She asked for honesty and I gave it to her, it was beautiful. We got talking about all the nice things I seemingly desire. We didn’t talk downright dirty sexy, but it seemed to both of us that the sex would flow naturally within the context of what we were both looking for. She got it, she got me.

Getting to know her was incredible, felt as if maybe I’d found my soulmate – thought I was in love.

I attempted to warn her about my loneliness, the missing link, monkey on my back- without actually telling her, but she still kept on coming back. I was tripping- literally tripping, out of my fucking mind, walking around with x’s in my eyes…

It was a Hollywood moment, but we all know that Hollywood isn’t like that, designer vaginas in the porn sense – like some of the porn I watch, it’s all Fugazi – fairy dust – it’s not fucking real.

I have not got over what happened…

There is a song that goes something like, ‘then you go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like I love you’.

I didn’t say it – I demonstrated it by standing on a fucking seawall with a bunch of roses and photographed it. Think it spooked her!

Then our conversation began to dry up, then eventually died.

I was crestfallen, but like with any good trip, there is a truth, an epiphany moment, and it took me to another dating site.

What a fucking can of worms that opened up, still tripping, confused, slightly angry, I put up the most horrendous profile blurb. Angrily stating that I was a virgin at 41, that I was ravenous to eat some pussy, Blah, blah, blah. 

Uncomfortable and embarrassing.

Just as undignified I hawked myself out in a series of private messages to people who caught my eye, some pleading, some graphic, ALL making me look like a little boy lost. Now that’s TRAGIC!

 Out of my depth on that site, out of my depth generally.

I am a really nice man, hurting like you would not believe. I am kind, compassionate, potentially loving (perhaps too much, and that’s an area that I need to reign in a bit, work on, my emotional fragility). True piscean. When I take care of myself I scrub up OK. Probably haven’t the biggest cock, but it would probably grow bigger with some use!

The point is it’s obvious I NEED sex, but I can’t even get the protocols right on a sex site. I WANT romance but can’t get the etiquette right with that either.

Being a virgin at 41 is holding me back in all areas of my life, strangling me. I am ambitious, there is a big entrepreneur waiting to get out of me, but it’s all locked up and love, patience and understanding are the keys that will open it all up.

What a bastardy mess!  

I would love to make the woman I am in the company of happy. Give her satisfaction and not necessarily by slipping my cock into her, not immediately anyway. If anything that is way down the list.

I would like to stimulate both our MINDS first. The desire in me is for romance, all the nice things before we even get to the bedroom, and the stimulation that builds from that is greater than my need for raw sex.

Then there is actual sexual foreplay and sex acts. Given the opportunity I would happily indulge in such things for hours, and I would probably not shoot my bolt that quickly. Years of wanking has taught me great orgasm control. I can last for a very long time, and choose when to let go, even with the most stimulating in my mind. 

Your insight, thoughts would be appreciated or signposting to someone that you think may/could help. 

Desperately seeking some advice.

Thanks for listening.

Thoughts and Comments Appreciated

Rob would really appreciate any comments and/or advice you could offer him. Or can you sympathise with him? Are you a virgin at 41 or older?

You can post comments below without leaving your name or other details if that makes you more comfortable. Alternatively you can go to my contact page and email me. Would you like to start a correspondence with him? I will pass any mail on to him.

Read how I lost my virginity

10 thoughts on “Virgin at 41 – can YOU imagine what it must feel like?”

  1. This is such a nice great website with lots of good information. Please come join our new free social site like Facebook. We have groups, friends, classifieds, dating site play games for free all at

  2. Yes, so we have a dialogue going- great! She’s very sweet on me.
    But It transpires that I am going away for a week, then when I get back, she goes away on her hols, ah well that’s that for a couple of weeks then.

    How’s that for timing? Is the holiday season though I suppose.


  3. So.. the ‘game’ ? Honesty straight away is not always the best policy?

    This woman would serve a purpose, a means to an end, can’t see my self being in her company all the time, she’s alright and would get job done- she’s definitely a sexual being(aren’t we all exept me? haha) but not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree, but I suppose i’m not in it for her mind at this moment, but if I tell her I just want sex , then I probably won’t get it.

    So what do I do?just be me – not the gruff grouchy one, but he good one, and say nothing, and hope she doesn’t go getting grandiose ideas?


  4. Might as well make this “Rob’s sexual (mis)adventures diary”

    Dear diary,

    That elusive shag has been right on my doorstep, under my nose for a good few months now. Right here in my village!

    Things are looking up!

    Upto me now , and I probably wouldn’t even has to ask nicely- if at all.

    AGGHHHHHH *kicks the imaginary cat!

    ROB nite all x

    1. That’s great Rob. Keep us updated. Its your time now. We all reach that pinnacle at different ages. You need to grab your moment and enjoy…

  5. Rob here 😉

    Thanks for the comments- there is some sound advice there. Just going to have to get on out there and get that mofo monkey gone.
    Still not immediately though, going to exercise a little more patience for a few weeks at least-kinda used to practicing that now, much as I get frustrated, certainly lately as I have started to confront this behemoth.
    Had some game changing family news lately, this has/IS wakening me up, forcing me to stop pissing about wasting my life- lifes a precious thing and i’m only just realising it!

    So yes I am just going to have to go ‘laid’ soon(ish)., any port or whatever…
    But I am stimulated(not just sexually) ,my mind is opening up(shut it down for quite along time!)

    I am taking daily steps to feel comfortable in my own skin, and this is having a snowball effect, giving me more thoughts and initiatives to work on,’s going to change me socially, then something good will come along when i’m not even looking!

    Also going to have to learn the rules of the game, as you have both said.
    What are they again? haha

    Looking forward to sharing good news,positive experiences and some exciting ventures on the twittersphere soon… watch this space.

    Rob x

    Keep the comments rolling, lets get a discussion going.

  6. It seems to me that you had a few unfortunate things happen when you were young that may have affected the way you view yourself and the love game. What should have counteracted your feelings to these events at that time was the fact you hung out in a group that others viewed as cool. The mere fact that the hot babe came onto you on the ferry trip shows your opinion of yourself was maybe a little hasty.
    Fast forward to falling in love with your best mates ex. Just another situation where you have worn your heart on your sleeve. Being too honest or maybe not playing the “games” we all need to play to ensnare someone we want. I have a great partner but they certainly didn’t just fall in my lap. At the start I had to work at being a little less emotional and a little more confident than I actually am. When you meet someone you need to take a step back and enjoy the moment, the present. Enjoy what you are feeling and experiencing rather than looking back or forward. It can be difficult to live in the present but there are rewards.
    Naturally with the monkey on your back it may be difficult to be as you wish to be with a new love. At your age they have probably had lots of “loves”. If only you could lose your virginity to any woman and just get it over with. It’s not a big deal. There are plenty of drunk 40 somethings down the city pub on a Saturday night that wouldn’t know it you were the most experienced guy around. That may sound harsh but I think you need to ditch your virginity anywhere to move on. Once that’s done you can use dating sites if you wish but remember that you are just as good as anyone on there.

    1. Thanks for your comment.
      I certainly agree that Rob needs to wise up regarding “game play” at the start of a relationship. I know sometimes you just want to let that person know exactly what you are feeling but its usually wiser to wait. When my man and me were getting together I omitted some information completely and he embellished some of his history. We know the truth now and its fine but in the beginning rules need to be adhered to for the sake of your heart if nothing else, Patience is whats needed.
      I have read your emails and know you are an intelligent articulate man.That is such an attractive attribute. When single I was always attracted to a mans mind/brain first.
      I would love for us to get some more comments/advice here but if we don’t you just need to realise that you have a whole lot to offer someone. Believe in yourself and live for the day. Its time for you to take responsibility for YOUR life. Forget about past demons – SEIZE THE DAY.
      May x

      1. Plenty of POSITIVE stuff going on now! Trying not to think about SEX, not all that easy- the average bloke thinks about it how many times in an hour? And i’m not your average bloke!
        I am appreciating MY life now, was inspiring visiting my mother who has cancer, and she’s just batting it away as if it’s NOTHING, WOW!!

        So I have started practising YOGA, Oh my! Early days but I FEEL GOOD.

        I’m awkwardly lying on my stomach ontop of this sausage shaped bolster, patchouli and sandalwood scents swirling around me in a sensuous fog, i’m very relaxed, my arse moving up and down with deep inhalations/exhalations as I concentrate on the words of the filthy Sara Cox esque Manchester accent of the YOGI, suddenly I feel a sharp tug on my jogging bottoms, pulling them up(must have been showing some crack!) Then these hands started kneading my buttocks hard, the small of my back, my shoulders, SHIT I nearly died, all..i could.. do..was.. just.. CONCENTRATE .. on my BREATHING. Just as well really, bloody hell!

        It’s never easy not thinking of sex, even when practising mindfulness.

        But i’m doing great, feel good, alive, really starting to look after myself now, to care.

        Good things WILL happen.

        Rob x

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