wild horses

Wild horses couldn’t drag me away

My diaries from 1997 are an intriguing thing even for me.

As I looked at this particular entry from July 1997 I understand that I wrote it but that person seems quite removed from the one I am today.

I’m adding this post to the Sex bloggers for Mental Health prompt of denial. I was totally in denial regarding Al and what our relationship could become. Such a shame as I wasted time over him. I just could see so much potential and refused to give up too soon. In fact, at the time, wild horses couldn’t drag me away.  But I don’t regret it as I learned a lot from the experience.

Before you read this you can catch up on the previous diary entries here…  But, in case you just want a snip-it about what made me write the letter~

That’s when I did it. I couldn’t bare him being so smug when I was feeling like shit. All at once I slapped his face – hard. Unlike his bloody cock.

So lets take the clocks back to…

July 26th 1997 ~ Wild Horses

Today at work I typed this letter up and sent it to Al. Its an explanation letter really, though I do deny that in the first sentence. It certainly is not a letter of apology. But I had to do something. To feel I have at least a tiny bit of control over the situation. I thought long and hard about whether I should write at the end that he can ring me. But I had to put that option in. I still really like him. It’s so annoying that I want him so much but can’t have him. Virginia and I are meeting for a drink the day after tomorrow. I will be able to tell her all the details. Jane was asking but I just told her a scaled down version.

She said, “Oh don’t worry, he’ll be back”.

If she knew I’d hit him she may think differently.

The Letter

Wild horses couldn’t drag me away – copy of the actual letter
Hi Al,
OK – this isn’t an explanation, it’s a way of trying to make myself feel less like shit – which you could have easily prevented.  Look at it from my point of view.
It took a lot for me to let you come back to my house and I only did because even though ours was a casualish association I trusted you because I thought you could and did talk to me. I thought we were mates as well. Then back here everything is absolutely great. Maybe it would have continued to be so if I’d “come” and given you a blow job.
Guys have gone soft inside me before, well one actually but not twice, and not with a pre-occupation for anal activity. But I’m extremely liberal so when this happened last night I was OK and just wanted to talk to you. Nothing heavy but just a bit of communication would have been nice so I wouldn’t think it was me being lousy or unattractive to you.  But no you wouldn’t reassure me you just totally abuse my feelings and hospitality by saying nothing and getting up to go. Woman will always hit you if you behave like that. I’ve never hit anyone before; I had to protect my feelings. I’ve always been honest with you and you weren’t prepared to give me that courtesy in return. By getting up and leaving you slapped me harder than I did you, and left me feeling totally inadequate.
I didn’t think you would talk to me when I rang and we both know it’s not just because I hit you – but I had to give you the benefit of the doubt, because you see I didn’t just want to have sex with you, I wanted to get to know you- whoever or whatever you are. And all things being considered, and if you ever feel like shit, then you can ring me, because I know how it feels!
Wild horses couldn’t drag me away

Header image from Pixabay

7 thoughts on “Wild horses couldn’t drag me away”

  1. I only went ‘soft’ on a woman once, and I remember it well. It was awful, but couldn’t be helped. It wasn’t me, it was her, but thats all I’m saying. I’m not cruel.

    1. I still have my old diaries from when I was younger. I haven’t read them in a long time. You seem fair more mature than I did in mine, also clear in what you expected. I’ve had my experiences with guys going soft. A little communication does make you feel less like shit on those instances.

  2. Its brilliant that you have these things from your past. I think our history moulds us and things like diaries stop us from overly rewriting history, thank you for sharing ??

  3. Fascinating peek into your diaries May, you are brave to share your younger self with us, thank you.
    Yes indeed, communication was definitely absent here – or doled out very sparingly. I think Al kept this up the whole time didn’t he? Silly man as you are one of the easiest people to talk to that I’ve ever known.
    I followed your link to a post on anal sex which was also very educational in a non-preachy way.
    You make great resource posts May.

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